Find me, Help me, Save me, Fuck me, Beat me, Kill me, Love me...


It seems to me that I have liked a lot of people in the past 22 years of my life. Although this number is high, only a very small number of them have I really cared about. There are only six women I have ever loved...

What does this mean, am I not happy being alone? I have been content before without someone in my life. I just want to be happy. Some of these people have brought me true happiness...

I just wish things might have been different, things should have been different, but I guess not. Where have I gone wrong? What have I done wrong? Who is to say? me? them? I just don't know anymore. I would like to have the answers, but I don't think I ever will.

I have loved very deeply, but there are certain people you just never get over, and some you will always love. It is very hard not to think about the way things could have turned out. The first person I ever loved was Heather Buchanan, I loved her so much for so long, it hurt me so bad the way things turned out. I think I might have loved her before I knew what love really was. The second person I loved, and still do is Gwen Faraday, I have always loved her so very much. Out of everyone she is the person I have thought the most about. I use to have many dreams about her...I don't understand why everything had to end like it did, I really wanted to be with her, but things just tend to get screwed up when both people have problems. The third person I loved, was Christina Law. She is by far the person I have hated the most as well, we have had so many times where thing get screwed up between us...I don't think things would have ever worked out between us, we would have ended up killing each other. Stephanie James was the fourth person, I wish that I was there for her in her most dire moment, but I wasn't...it still makes me sick. She was my best friend for a long time, she really knew me where no one else really did. The fifth was Annie Clontz, she was the most emotional person to be with, I think I loved her more than anyone to this point, I told her I loved her, she was the only person I told that too and meant it (at that time.) She hit me the hardest...I almost lost my life, lost everything because of her. All I can say is that it ended in pure agony. The last person...Alecia, she is everything that I have ever wanted in another person...she made me feel the best I have ever felt about myself, I really wish that things would have been different between her and I, I wished she was home.

I don't know anymore....I don't think I ever did.



I feel a little empty inside...I guess this is just my luck...this week...is always the worst week in my life...for as long as I can remember bad things happen.

I really want to see you...but I think I am too invested in you...and I don't know why....well I do...I am just some where in the back of my head...I looked at you and said I want to be with her and take care of her.

My heart has always been strong...my heart has always been weak.

I have seen some terrible things...people stabbing themselves, slicing themselves, shooting themselves, getting so high that they can't tell they are burning themselves....I have seen terrible things...people dying...people bleeding....peoples organs on the ground...I seen his head come off his body...

I just don't want to see terrible things anymore...I don't want to be the awkward guy...I don't want to be the super nice guy....the reliable guy...the person who cares enough that he will never break a promise...I want to be the one who is desirable...the one who can say what he means and means it....I don't want to be cryptic...I just...

I couldn't change these things if I wanted to, not with out help, but I guess my point is that...I have nothing in my life, I am empty, I am stale, I have come to a complete stop, this is the end...

As much as I care about the people here...as much as I want to love everyone, and be a good friend...I need this to be my end for now...I want to be written out of the story...I want to take my break....I want to go live somewhere else and do things that I thought were impossible...

My story might end for now...but I will try and come back...I will try and be something that is desirable. 

COME INSIDE AND TAKE A LOOK!!!






I have no idea what I am doing anymore....

(I miss you miss you)
Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley

That is how I feel...

I am just sooooooo out of it...I need to stop thinking...I need something to do, so that I don't go crazy.

Nobody wants him
He just stares at the world
Planning his vengeance
That he will soon unfold

Hahahaha....

I think I just need to let all the random out right now...
I am possessed by randomness...I need them to call a Catholic Priest...and Micheal Phelps, bring me a damn samich...

I really am trying not to invest myself emotionally....I have failed utterly...
I just can't understand how it happened...well I can, I just say that...because I know how I really feel about her....the things I've done >.>

TRUST is something that I want in another HUMAN BEING.

I find myself NOT thinking of Annie...it is confusing...I am glad for that though.
Closure doesn't come often, but when it does, it has a calming notion.

I do find myself thinking of someone...someone special....Lovely...

I have been....ISH....ish....ish.....ish

I'm easy like Sunday morning...

I really want to be happy, I want do go out and do the right thing, I want to be that person...

I want to get it alll out...I want to be someone...I want to learn about life.
Help me believe in anything, because I want to be someone who believes...
When everybody loves you, you should never be lonely.

I want to paint myself a picture, Paint myself in blue and red and black and gray
All of the beautiful colors are very very meaningful
Grey is my favorite color....

Feelin like no other...can't explain everything that I am feeling...

I like to kiss you on the forehead.

I believe in a thing called Love.

I would like to have an accent.

I want to find my family/Clan colors from Scotland.

::Looks to the sky::

When I find myself looking...I have to stop and think about what I am doing.

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

Why do I do the thing that I do?

Tell me something, anything?

Let me slip away...

Discovering you...

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

Everybody's Changing...and do I feel the same?

It crosses my mind.....that I want...things that I have to achieve..

Heaven isn't close in a place like this...........

Please find the truth in yourself....

I am confused about what is really going on inside and outside...

I got soul, but I'm not soldier

I got soul, but I'm not soldier

I got soul, but I'm not soldier

I got soul, but I'm not soldier

I got soul, but I'm not soldier

I got soul, but I'm not soldier


Where am I?

If you can't hold on....

I want to take a pill...that makes everything better...

Where have all the flowers gone...

I need what I need....

I am strange...
I am a strange person..
I find myself to be strange.

If you are reading this...at least to this point...you are strange.

I can not get you off my mind.

In the light of the day I see your face staring back at me...

Why do you come for me?
You see all my irrational fears,
to sit down and to plea,
watching you from a far with your sneers.

Looking back and forth
I can tell what is true.
Time will change henceforth
like no one ever knew.

I see the truth, even in you, I can see.
I know the truth, even if its not written in stone.

We took the dead man in sheets to the river, flanked by love...

Leave me here...chained to fate...

It is easier not to be great, and measure these things by your eyes...

I can not see straight hahahaha...

Fear is not the end...

I have found something worth fighting for...

I have seen an Angel...a real Angel...sooo much background....

Leave some change behind...

A denial?

Is this real life, or is this just fantasy?

I really need to figure it all out or I might just lose everything...

I have been through a lot over several years...some of you know...some of you don't, its been tough and I have found people in my life that I really care about.

I find myself looking around and trying to figure out what I really am...as a person...as someone who lives in the real world.

I wish I could show my scars....I don't know, I don't believe its better....

Once you know you can never go back I have to take it on the other side.

I dream of intense moments...

It is hard to believe that I am all alone...at least I have her love..the city...I don't ever wanna feel like I did that day...take me to the place I love...take me all the way...

Your a song written by the hands of God...

Underneath your clothes there's an endless story...

Tonight, tonight..

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And you
Can bring me to my knees...

These secret garden beams
Changed my life so it seems

A Fall breeze blows outside
I don’t break stride
Thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you

Oh yeah
And I never felt alone
Alright
Ohhh ohhh ‘til I met you

Losing a whole year...

I don't know anymore...sad sad sad....

When it was always about to hit me
I wonder how's it going to be
When it goes down
How's it going to be

I think I left my thoughts in my other wallet....

Book book book fuck book book book

I want to taste the sun on your skin...

I won't get enough till my legs are broken...

I don't want to go to London...

The city of gumption...

2,792 Days....

My dirty little secret....

I think I need to stop...but I can't I have to keep going...

Was it enough to save you?

Move along...

When darkness turns to light it ends tonight...

I really need to stop thinking about everything in general I am making myself depressed.

Don't run away...
I am thinking of leaving...
For a very long time...

Solitary confinement....I would go in docile...come out psychotic...
Along a staircase I can hear you...

Is it still pitch black out side?

This could be the last time, one more for the last time, don't waste this chance...

It tastes like fire...

This moment seems sooooooo long...

I want a straight-jacket...

Wouldn't it be nice....

I want to be....somewhere else...

Hoist up the John B sail, see how the main sail sets...

God only knows....

If you should ever need me...

I have waited and waited and given up on every chance until now...

AL...

So long ago...I don't remember when...I lost my only friend...

It is cold...it feels like Independence day..I can't break away from the parade...

I stand on the edge waiting...
Waiting to jump..
A jump.

I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn, I want to watch this place burn.

The land of milk and honey...

Oh dear...

I love your ways...

I can see the sunset in your eyes...

And nobody knows it but me....

Why didn't I say the things I needed to say...

Tomorrow morning I am hitting the dusty road...

Good Lord save me from myself...save me from my thoughts....and desires...

I know where I belong and nothings going to happen....cause shes so high above me....shes so lovely...

Sounds so unreal...

I need to get the fuck up and get the fuck out and shut the fuck up....

Where do you go my....

Close the curtains cause all we need is candle light, you and me and a bottle of wine..

Save tonight...fight the break of dawn comes tomorrow...

Tomorrow I'll be gone...

OH MY GOD...

Sister Hazel...

Words can't say, and I can't do
Enough to prove it's all for you

Alright....really...really...alright....I.....need......to.....goooooooooooooooo

I find myself searching....

I need to taste....

I need to push past....

Where am I going...what are my reasons...

In the summer....

She grew up with the children of the stars....

Everythings going to be alright....

I think that I should wrap this up.....I need sleep.....I need...

Good Night....everyone.

Why do you come for me?
You see all my irrational fears,
to sit down and to plea,
watching you from a far with your sneers.

Looking back and forth
I can tell what is true.
Time will change henceforth
like no one ever knew.

Forces of nature
Bring me to the brink
Destroys my culture
Never again will I blink

This cut feels so deep
Pain brings me to my threshold
I slice until I weep
The blood flows from this broke mold

What depth will I go
To stop these terrible feelings?
It won't be too slow
this road of devil like dealings

What will I do
if my mind goes too far
What will I do
when I open this scar

I go towards what I know
I give up my last breath
stopping and breaking the flow
So I can go to death

Let me see...

I believe that I will make this diary/journal a little more personal. Some of you might see....but I only know one of you (at least some what).

It has been a long couple of days...My friends always come to me for an answer, they always look to me with what is wrong. I am not sure how to help them, but I try my best. I really want them to be happy.

Christina...I love her to pieces, and I wish that I could help her. Her dad is in some WHO/International first aid station dying over in China. Her mom wants her to quit this semester and go see him before something bad happens. If she goes it will set her back a year, how do I help her? I told her she has to pray about it, that she has to follow her heart and feelings about the situation. She doesn't even know him that well...but I think she still loves him.

Caleb...he is such an idiot, but I still love the guy. I wish I could understand him sometimes. I mean...I think that I do...I just hope he isn't as cold hearted about life as I think he might be. I wish him luck on his interviews...I want him to do well, and I am routing for him. I will forever be his wing man, if he needs me to be. I hate that his mom and step-dad are all screwed up, I wish I could tell him what to do, but again I have no idea...other then to tell him to tell his mom to kick the ass hole to the curb.

My life?

I live with my grandparents...I am a bit of a scrub trying to get better from some medical problems...by scrub I mean I have no job...ugh. Some point this year I am going back and finishing the two degrees I started...I might even get that History minor.

My parents...are fucked up!!! I tell you they are like two children on the damn play ground throwing dirt at each other. Right now I dislike both of them and their actions...

On the pleasant side of life...

I met someone who is pretty awesome.

Well this is Mr.Cheatle signing off....yep I am a dork, but you gots to love me :)

Chaos and Creation - Sweeping away my leaves, and getting back to my life.

There is a fine line between recklessness and courage.

There is a long way, between chaos and creation
If you don't say, which one of these your gonna choose
It's a long way, and in every contradiction
Seems to say it's a game that your bound to loose

I am so tired of walking this line, so tired of giving in, so tired of giving into virtue and understanding. Its like this hammer beating down the nail that is my honesty and patience.

Have you ever had something just out of reach? Something so perfect and sublime, with kindness, charity and temperance. This song reminds me of those instances...


How kind of you to think of me
When I was out of sorts
It really meant alot to be
In someone else's thoughts
Someone else's mind
Someone else as kind, as you

The thoughtfulness you showed has made
A difference in my life
I won't forget how unafraid
You were that long dark night

I thought that all was lost
I thought I'd never find
A someone quite as kind, as you

I thought my faith had gone
I thought there couldn't be
A someone who was there, for me

How kind of you to stick by me
During the final bout
And listened to the referee
As I was counted out

I thought my time was up
I thought I'd never find
A someone quite as kind, as you

I thought my faith had gone
I thought there couldn't be
A someone who was there for me

How kind of you to think of me
How kind of you...

Sadness weighs heavy in my heart, like the straw that broke the camels back. Except its to the point where I am crawling across this vast open desert.

At the mercy
At the mercy
At the mercy of a busy road
Who can handle such a heavy load?

If you show me love
I wont refuse
I know you'd never make me choose
Between the love I got
And the love I'd lose

Sometimes I'd rather run and hide
Than stay and face the fear inside

Its like watching my universe explode over and over again, then rebuilding. Why am I at the mercy of my feelings, emotions, others?

If you take me up
I wont say no
I guess you'd rather see me grow
Into a better man
Than the one you know

Humility, is it really me? I don't know anymore, I tried to be something I am not, I am trying to be someone I want to be, trying so hard, inch by inch, day by day, person by person, I am trying.

When it rains it pours....

Laugh when your eyes are burning
Smile when your heart is filled with pain
Sigh as you brush away your sorrow
Make a vow that it's not gonna happen again

It's not right in one life too much rain

You know the wheels keep turning
Why do the tears run down your face?
We used to hide away our feelings
But for now tell yourself it won't happen again

Smile when you're spinning round and round
Sigh as you think about tomorrow
Make a vow that your gonna be happy again

It's all right in your life no more rain

It's too much for anyone
Too hard for anyone
Who wants a happy and peaceful life
You've gotta learn to laugh

Too much rain? Too much, for me to handle, too much pain inside. I wish things were different, I wish being the nice guy was actually worth something any more. I wish making an effort meant people respected you, people knew what you were about.

And now...I am captivated, by something that isn't really there, like nothing before, like nothing any deeper. One thing that reminds me of everything...

A certain softness
In her eyes
Fascinates me
More than I ever thought it would.
(A certain softness)
More than I ever thought it could

A certain softness
In her eyes
Got me hooked
Got me hooked


A kind of sadness
In her smile
Captivates me
Surer than anything that's sure
(A kind of sadness)
Surer than anything before

The kind of sadness in a smile
Got me hooked
Got me hooked
Got me hooked


If I could even find the words to tell you
I wouldn't want to anyway
'Cause that could only break the spell
And you know very well
I couldn't betray her


A touch of wildness
In her style
Haunts my memory
More than I ever thought it would
(A touch of wildness)
More than I ever thought it could

A touch of wildness in her style
Got me hooked
Got me hooked
Got me hooked

^ That is exactly right^
I am a sucker for beautiful souls, eyes, for a wonderful person.

I need a fix, just to get by, it eats at me like a drug, its damning evidence, this feeling of needing someone this feeling of being alone....loneliness...its a struggle to wake up and know that no one is there, that your bed is empty, that person you were holding is nothing more then a fleeting moment of weakness within your own consciousness.

I bit my tongue
I never talked too much
I tried to be so strong
I did my best
I used the gentle touch
I've done it for so long

You put me down
But I can laugh it off
And act like nothing's wrong
But why pretend
I think I've heard enough
Of your familiar song

I tell you what I'm going to do
I'll try to take my mind off you
And now that you don't need my help
I'll use the time to think about myself

You're not aware
Of what you put me through
But now the feeling's gone
But I don't mind
Do what you have to do
You don't fool anyone

I'll tell you what I'm going to do
I'll take a different point of view
And now that you don't need my help
I'll use the time to think about myself

The definition of friendship
Apparently ought to be
Showing support for the one that you love
And I was open to friendship
But you didn't seem to have any to spare
While you were riding to Vanity Fair

There was a time
When every day was young
The sun would always shine
We sang along
When all the songs were sung
Believing every line

That's the trouble with friendship
For someone to feel it
It has to be real or it wouldn't be right
And I keep hoping for friendship
But I wouldn't dare to presume it was there
While you were riding to Vanity Fair

All I needed was something more...more then just a few words....more then just a few let downs...more then just a sorrowful acts...I find myself indentured into acts I never signed myself over too.

What I really need is people, people to be with, people to do things with, people to see, people that love me, people that want to be near me, people who are friends, people who are here, people who want to be people and nothing else. I need friends....I need lovers.....I need buddies.....I need pals......I need someone, anyone, just a person.

You lift up my spirits, you shine on my soul
Whenever I'm empty, you make me feel whole
I can rely on you, to guide me through, any situation
You hold up a sign that reads, follow me.

You give me direction, you show me the way
You give me a reason, to face every day
I can depend on you, to send me to, any destination
You hold up a sign that reads, follow me, follow me.

Down the track of loneliness, down the path of love
Through the words of heartache, to the end
On the shores of sorrow, where the waves of hope crash in
The perfect place for me to find a friend. ahh yeah yeah yeah, oh

You lead me to places, that I've never been
Uncovering secrets, that I've never seen
I can rely on you, to guide me through, any situation
You hold up a sign that reads, follow me, follow me,
Follow me, follow me

Its like when I look back on everything thus far I feel....

Looking through the backyard of my life
Time to sweep the fallen leaves away

I need time to think about things....

Like the sun that rises every day
We can chase the dark clouds from the sky

A promise that is never known is not really a promise at all....

I gave my promise to you girl, I don't wanna take it back
You and me, side by side, We know how to change the world
That is why, I gave my promise to you girl

Hey why wait another day, that won't get us anywhere
All the time, that ain't changed, to repair this brave old world
We'll be up, I gave my promise to you girl

Well, there's no more barking up the tree, no more howling at the moon
Same old scene, you and I, diving for the deepest trust
That is why, I gave my promise to you girl

Promise to me is something I care so much about I will neglect everything around me to see it through, I will take car rides in a blizzard, bleed to death before saying anything, take my time and get it right, make sure everyone knows your the good one....a Promise is a promise...not an empty nothing you tell as a place holder for your own short comings.

I'm very sure, this never happened before....

I just need time to get over everything piling onto me....there is something in my soul that yearns....and I am not sure I am strong enough anymore to take it all in.....the breaking point got here faster then I thought, it was faster then anticipated.

I've been waiting; waiting too long.
In my soul is constant yearning,
Always singing; singing this song.

I guess this is just same old me...trying to define which one of me there really is....I feel like I share this consciousness with the strangest people

In the end nothing really matters, except how it ends, and how YOU did. The inbetweens they are just there to distract you from what is really real, and what is really the illusion. The illustrations of my life kind of bubble over into a pamphlet of virtue, sin, and extraordinary circumstance of what I call living. Its what I do that matters, but I need to get this rant out before I pass out.

Whatever is more important, its the you you've got to see. I want to see me, and see everything when it gets better, the life that I could be living, the life I really want to have...its out there...just not there yet...I know though I can forgive and forget...but when I am where I want to be, just know that its going to be alright.

God bless and G'night.

Snippets of the unconscious mind

This is my life since I have become an adult. Everything that I have experienced is written into my poetry, and everything I have become has shaped and kneaded me from an unsuspecting victim to a man. I have been through sickness, loss, love, pain, happiness, triumph, pleasure, sadness, madness, depression, and through hell and back, but I have never lost my hope, my faith, or my inspiration. This is my story...


Love, Hope, and Faith

Intro

Two worlds collide upon a dream that isn’t real

Find again
What you believe In

Trust what has come
Find what is there

Love, Hope, and Faith
Its what your made of


Daunting of thy soul

The real
The daring
The zeal
Lost bearing

Feel your heart
With fruit
Well being
Lest dreams from beyond
Rotten your soul

Come hither
Thy be
You should hear
Hearts pounding from shore
Bring me
And let me bare

Bring me I say
Let me bear
Lest you die
Lest you fear
Come to senses
Tread and deep

Believe in principle
Believe in thy self

Bring me I say
Bring me

I always dream of you

I always dream of you
But lately it fades away
Always of you
But you never stay

Into the darkness
You fade
Into the night
I lay
I dream
And dream you away

Over and again
I think I dreamt
The dream
The dream of you
The music of us
The hope I have
To believe I must

Into the darkness
You fade
Into the night
I lay
I dream
And dream you away

The music of hope
It plays through me
As I walk and mope
I look and I see
Your eyes
Staring back at me

The only dance we had
I thought it was all
A dream of lovers
Of Fashion and dance
I stepped and saw
Enough to prove its hope

Hope that dignifies you
Hope for us

As the night brightens around you

As the night brightens around you
The heretic cries in pain
Sleepless tittles befall him
Calm is his name
Yet he risks it all
Risk that kills him
Bring back the day
Let it pour over
The heretic cries in pain
The day comes by and by

Never hope

I've got to go
Dream through this night
Caught up
Don't let me down

Follow the eyes
Follow the sound
Fight the feelings
Hope is stranded
Don't frown

Be the one
Follow through
Get done
Storm the soul
Dream lies
And believe

Rush through
Get done slow
You don't know who
Pull back the bow
Launch your dream

Hope brought back
From the brink
Feel so black
Severed the link
No truth only black

Lonely love

Doomed to the instabilities
Of our insecurities
Cosmic rays of love shine down
Across the field and ground

I'm lonely in your shadow
Staring into your eyes
The dream acts like a show
The show of our lives

Don't be spent by the man
Don't be sent by the hand
Smack away foolish games
So your dreams may prevail

Don' embrace his fear
Just live by the day
He will leer
But you can stay

Travel the void
The untold story
The love that you make
Is quite possibly what you take

Melancholy

Melancholy
Waiting for that
Someone sometime
Somber and sat
No rhyme

Classified as sane
Feel me with
That embrace
Long lost myth

Faith

Life
Extraordinary
Passes by
Flash its gone

Please believe
That if I die
I lived it well
Please believe
That if I die
It went as well

Coming back
Across the straight
Follow the broken
Follow the breath
Don't complicate

Break your stride
Come down
Off your high horse
Break the ride
Bluff your might
Keep inside
Break down your doors

Hmm
Life
It goes as well
Believe me
I did die
And I found the mighty love the lies within
Cry your soul
Keep your faith


That's what it's all about
I lived it well
I kept my faith

Nightmares

As darkness becomes light
I see your face
the morning baited by night
I feel your grace

Turning and tossing
sweat pressed clothe
what is it causing
this I loathe

The night terror
I suspect more
In my error
you I adore

The friendship swelling
as you lay in my mind
The pain is quelling
as I know you are kind
I hear whispering
with our hands entwined

These memories are mine
I keep locked up
they might seem benign
but not close up

As the dreams become reality
You hear my sorrows,
the awareness of my duality,
your comfort follows

In the death throws of dreaming
I here your voice
the shift so slow descending
your here by choice

I sense the calming of our trust
I can feel your emotion
Your presence here is a must
truth in your devotion

Once more

Come

Let me hold you
Brush back your tears
Comfort you
And stop your fears

I love to see
Your face
That smile
I watch you
And want to
Hold you

Have faith

Standing there
Trying to find my heart
Finding my soul confused
Just breaking apart

Far from where I started
I can never go back
I'm already departed
Never again whole-hearted
Truth lying there
Like what I lack
Its counted fair

How is this faith
I am left wanting
It attacks me
Like a haunting
I can never see

I left
Taken away
By and by
Day after day
Truth killed me
Cast into the vast sea
I can never say

How is this faith
I am left wanting
It attacks me
Like a haunting
I can never see

I've tried
Killed myself
And died
Faith came
And rose me up
Called my name

How is this faith
I am left wanting
It attacks me
Like a haunting
I can never see

Mercy
It comes and goes
Fills me
Tried and trued
It believes me
I can live
I can be
All I have to do
Is have faith

Dream the dream

Come along
And take
What is yours

Wish it all away
If you were here
In any way


I find that I love everything about you and hate myself

Take advantage of me
Please I need you
Please stay and see
It can only be you

Trust your face
and buck up
Take the race
And the cup

Wish you were here

So long

Beautiful as you are
Yet again you bring me back
To this lonely road
I've got to walk all alone
You bring me back
And I can't believe you've gone

Sad eyes roam my mind
I look over and your still not here
Feeling this heavy heart
Hold my head down
I admit that I am afraid
Afraid that I did nothing to stop you

The damage is done
And your still gone
Break through these chains
Throw away the pain

Blank eyes
Roam over me
Over me
As I lie
As I die
I have seen love
Faith
Hope
And I cry
You've gone

So long
Bye bye

Finish the moment

Finish the moment
Try and bring it all

Do you understand?

Do you?

Do you or don't you?

Bring the momentum
Find the time
I need them
Its only sublime

Finish in the heat
Finish in the moment
Finish on beat
Finish off the opponent

You have to understand

Do you understand?

Do you?

Do you or don't you?

If you don't
I will
I want
I'll kill

Down with LHF

Finish off
Come in
Wash off
And start again

..........................................................................................................Rinse Repeat

It's uncertain

Its uncertain
What will be
All I know
Is that it might be me

If you take the bait
Come alone
Clean my slate
Let me atone

Feel out what is there
Never pry
And you always stare
Just lie

Let me stay in your ignorance
Bask in the sun
Of the all knowing trance
Finish me with the gun

Travel in your heart

Travel in your heart
Placed in a holding cell
Pain begins to start
Graced with her falling spell

Your smile destroyed
Soul defiled
With you she toyed
Her soul's wild

On a pedestal
She was placed
Near the heart's wall
Her glory, her taste

The feeling, so real, overwhelming
Blood spilling, no kill, truth in loving

Find yourself without logic
Exploring the unknown
Together your both a wreck
Your façade is not blown

Truth to be told
You find her in love
Relationships mold
You praise the above

You were found wrong
But chances felt sure
That hearts love is strong
And you need no more

End

So why
are there
so many
who don't believe
believe that the end is near

again its coming
like a tidal wave
its flowing
over the land
and the beaches the sand

torment and anger
flow through the veins
the vast people
blow out their brains

traveling from place to place
this is the land
that I have to face
the land of the free
the land of me

time has come
and the blood runs thick
the sun has shone
and the people become sick

Rampant mild
contest the heart
I bring death
from far apart

The world has lost
to the depths of sin
the only people bade believe
its them your only kin
the ones who disagree

From start to finish
I end this now
the trouble the anger
the first place smile
against the will
the will of many
I fuse together this time and money
to the end
oh so near
to the end
never fear
to the end
only you the true friend

Sadness into Madness: Despair

Pathfinder

Where do we go from here?
Under pressure of new found responsibility
Where do we go from here?
When were never given that one break
Where, where do we go?

Please let me know
Give me time to leave
Give me that break
And we will see what happens

And if you see me
Tell me its not over

How, how'd you get here?
Then you're left wondering
How did you get here?
Why leave to start with
How did you get here?

You made a bad decision
You have to pay for it
Then you can leave
To find what you thought you found

Now you're here
With no place to go

Mystification looming

Faceless
Never assuming
Instant gratification
Always looming
Blatant Mystification
Graceless booming

Fiction to my ears
I hear your voice
Stars that are heirs
Attempted Sluice

Barring me from sound
Looking for harmony
Finding the newfound
Traversing the Simony

When all that's left
Is what has been done
You feel bereft
And lonely undone

Your you

It comes and goes
Trying to find the place
Trying to master space
Without the rows

Fill into the nest
Untouchable instinct
Fathers itself into you
Emotion is no more

Self defecating in style
Troubled in your will
And never forgotten
Even for a moments spill

Find yourself no more
Cause the harm to disappear
Relinquish the wheel
And blood comes to leer
Coming and going
Leave and never come back

Swallow deep breaths of death's liquid agony

Sleep in times of need
Leave it to others
Before its blood you bleed
And not each others

When it rains it decides to pour
Until the sun is no more
Find me a cup to fill the despair
We will need mugs and sties

Its over and nothing less
Less then a hero can solve
Yet she is useless for mental matters

Delight

Damaged amongst my person
Personified by chaotic boredom
Feelings of despair per sin
Everything destroyed like Sodom

Pleasure is displaced
Your worth has been measured
Your eyes have been cased
Your words have been censored

Death overcomes by pain
Flattered by essence of life
Courtesy of the insane
Everything's tempted by strife

You

Feel the sin trickling down your body in the night
I came to my senses when I broke out
I stood there standing
Feel the pressure in your heart I fought the light
I tried to see the vortex of my life
I saw it in the corner
Feel the love wash over your face take away sight
I walked past my pedestal up high
I felt it in the sky

Looking back at your body
I cried you had died
I killed you with a thought and fought with words
You bleed all over me
Wash me with your sin
It is all there in the floor
You were a whore and I am a man

Sad is the day I find myself forgetting you

Into the abyss

Strange incarnations of the mind
Stamina lost to thought
The very man that sees is blind
And I am the one who was bought

Blank how we follow leadership
Every footstep collides with death
How do we like to determine relationship
When were always on our last breath

The stories of our lives
They bring delusions and pain
Retrospect is sought out with knifes
Broken, bothered, left insane

Together we stall
What is left to begin
Together we fall
Into something but sin

Troubled minds

Troubled minds
Enter drifting spirals
Different kinds
Of broken dials

Shutting Mouths
Walking souls
Breaking bowels
Talking owls

Truth be told
Blame me
Call me cold
Tame me

The winds
Blown off tract
Spiraling spin
Stuck in black

Break me
It's my bane
Take me
I'm insane

Apart

Either here or there
I find deep sadness
I find it without refuge
Delve into Madness
And force despair
Lonely nights
And calm riots
Force my soul to
Tear its self apart
Listen to my heart
Find a way to fix
The unbreakable
To finish
What cannot be finished
Trouble me no more
I am gone

Random Action

One thing that reminds me of everything

Came by

Breath I still do
And I can see too
I can see you
And the lovely view

If you can too
I will be with you until the day comes that I have to leave for the bright sun spot
I bury myself in that rough plot

Stubborn jack
I found molly out back
She came too and I told her to find that curtain
To cover Sam
The world came by to take me away but not before I came to say:

Fill me with your smile
I can never do it if I try
I will tell her to stand file
And it will fly
Can you find me in the wind ?

The world came by to take me away but not before I came to say:

Do you, can you, believe in me
I will find her now that I have you to help me out

Tough enough

Her

We started out in a fight
You called me stupid
And I loved your sight

The class predisposed to psychology
I found you uncanny
You were a one track person of sociology
I was a tragedy
I came to find a friend but found something more
In a person as you

Here we go

Here we go
Everyone together
Apart of my show
Light as a feather

Floating through the air
Staged the stage fright
All the people stare
Falling into the night

Her smile brightens the day
Got me jaded nothing to say
Catching up to her pace
Everything falls into place

There I was

There I was
Or was I there
I never knew, but she could
If she was sane
Talking crazy
Feeling as if I am her bane
Fighting the feeling
That I am insane

She was there looking back at me

She was there looking back at me
I found myself there trying to see
To see the love In her eyes

Feeling kinda sad I sat still
Wrapped in pride my stubborn will
Had to leave for the other side
Never could believe

Falling from the sky

Falling from the sky
I was told that I could find love
It was all lies I wish I was above
Above all of this .......

I stared into her eyes only to see nothing staring back
I was ...

Never couldn't

Came to the table
I was acting as if I was steady
I thought I was stable
But underneath it all I wasn't ready

I fled
I couldn't field the test
I didn't do my best
Couldn't could if he didn't try
And that's the rest

Never couldn't
If I wouldn't
Have gave it a half ass try
Now I stand here by and by

If you give it all you could
Find a way to see past the complexities
And I will throw you a pass
If I am past my sixties
I will turn south, out of the wind that's in my face
Its your place

Never couldn't
If I wouldn't
Have gave it a half ass try
Now I stand here by and by

Feel the freedom
In your decision
I felt mine, in pain, in a vision
I didn't try
Now I stand by and by

I found the sound that I liked

I found the sound that I liked
It came in small package
Right for the all those nights
I kept listening till I hit thirty
I found myself pleased
Until the air was dirty
I liked it all

Singing yea it was right
I found it to be the songs
They came and went that night
Faster then the speed of light

How can I find it
Ok I trust in it
But where is it

Falling short of the line

Falling short of the line
I came across any ways
Standing still just fine
How long, how many days?

I wrap myself to find
That I am only alone
To my belief in my mind
I came upon the phone
It rang with jealousy

Hungry Void

Trust me

Yea it could be

I looked into the cereal bowl
All I found was a hole
It was all gone and I was empty
The cheeseburger could never feel me
I looked around for that hit the spot feeling
All I came upon was a not so filling..........salad

So hungry
I can feel it
Swelling within me
I got to find it
That hit the spot feel the knot in your stomach
Special moment

I enjoyed years past
Eating in all my life
I would never fast
But tonight I had to find that something to file the hole the void in my life

Looking like a mall
I smelled the plot
Searching the dinning hall
Rifting through the rot
I needed that delicious conspicuous filler
This was as scary as thriller

So hungry
I can feel it
Swelling within me
I got to find it
That hit the spot feel the knot in your stomach
Special moment

I deserve this
Not to find what makes me happy
Now I sink into the abyss
Singing

So hungry
I can feel it
Swelling within me
I got to find it
That hit the spot feel the knot in your stomach
Special moment

Can you feel it?
Hunger swelling
Can you?
Can you?
Can you?
I got to find it
That special moment

Kinda found the town

Kinda found the town all over the place
I came from an organized space
Never could agree feeling all this chaos
Buzzed and running strong, feeling the ground removed, slipping into a dark dream of life
Woke up to the sound of a bus stopping overhead, the street felt all around

Never again walking at night did I find that

Reasons Beyond Reason - Subversion into life

Under the breeches of the sky

Hey

Hey
Yea that's what I mean


Were all just chillin
Sitting around this table
You know what I'm feelin
And no not the table in that fable

Speaking about the times
Flowing from our minds
The simplicity is kind
In what we all find

Something
That's what we mean
Something
We've all seen

Distribution we don't know
Kinda like something hallow
Only if it's slow
Not like Jeremy's flow

Something
That's what we mean
Something
We've all seen

You hear our rhythm
And you feel our soul
Not like one of them

Only feel it
Its something
That's what were saying
It's something
That's what were seeing

Something
That's what we mean
Something
We've all seen

She is done tracing away the day

She is done tracing away the day
She knows it's her only way
Find out how she did it only to find it wasn't her
Come around come around see if you know
Cause she never did

Superstitious reasons why

Superstitious reasons why
I feel that I
Can behold the world
And stay behind

Feel my way through
I can never get there
Find you
Find me
Stay through and through

Sleeping stay there
Find your way back to me
Stay behind

Can't say why
Just need to stay high
Get it find it
Trust with supersentients

Crush the day
In your palm
Confound your problems
While your calm

Start and re work
All that is in your helping hand
Find what is out there

I see her face

I see her face
I shout I cant
I shouldn't
Never embrace
That beautiful face

Corny I know
But she doesn't see
I'm quite for her
She talks to them
Not me

Skill is devoid of emotion
I lack skills
The waves wash over me
It's the ocean
A sea

I am here for you

I am here for you
Although you never see me
Just around the corner
And you never know its me
Always me

I found myself looking to you
I found you looking the other way
Its never enough for you
Nothing I can say

Follow my heart
And its all just pain
I can never be the one to start
All I see is rain

Dowsed and never dry
Looking around
It all went awry
You never found me
I never found myself

For you

My heart stands alone
Until I look at you

Came close to complete
Looking deep
I found
That it's all profound
Just to be with you

Feelings are course
I seen it in me
It burns deep inside
I have no remorse

I will give it all up, up for you
To stay inside and feel you

It takes over
Just want for you to be happy
And just act naturally
I came just to say hey and tell you
That I never knew
I feel it all
Come from you

I want to hold you
I want you to know
That it's all for you
I'm complete in your eyes
And lonely in your good byes

Stay I'll unlock your heart
I feel you so close
It's only a start
Never want to feel apart

Where did you go?

Where did you go?
Where did you take my heart?
I search for you
I find nothing
But a glimpse
Of what might have been

I wish it wasn't just trend
I find that I long for you
I long for your eyes
I search for your heart
Your soul waves bye

I look around and you've gone
You left me here to find
All that I need or wanted on my own
I love and lost but I don't mind
I know that I will think of you at dawn
When the sun rises
I look around pick up the stone
Throw it out the door
This all seems heart wrenching
A disaster for all your days

I take it all alone
For I long
For you

For you
I only want
The thing that makes me, me
While your gone
I am all alone
Alone for the most part
Here wondering
About you
About how you feel
About the love I wished you felt

I long for only you

Follow what it is I am saying

Follow what it is I am saying
Haven't made a good piece in awhile
Hope this crosses the threshold

Follow me inside
Growth becomes to long
You cant abide
Your pulled out by a bong
Its chromatic colors subside
I can feel you wrapped around a gun
You left me here
With out fun, with out the sun,

You blow up
I never knew
It was all to much
Cant handle just erupt
All this and such
Follow me to the box

We surround ourselves
This aura of disgust and mistrust
I trapped inside
I havent let go of you
And you let go of me
Locked me away

Your dead to me now
That new friend of yours
He has pulled the trigger
I cant live I don't know how

Not soon enough

Not soon enough
Always thinking
Breaking tough
Always shaking

Just a thought away
Minds going cold
Keeping the chills at bay
On the brink of what you told

My shoulder
It's gone forever
I'm not your boulder
Or your tether

Leave me be
No second chance
Away from me
Distance rants

Twist me up
Break the skin
Break me up
With each new win

Reason is only why

Reason is only why
Why I feel so high
Fight reason
Fight it and die

Conserve the life
In which you make it
Cut it with a knife
And let it sit

You find only death
Down in this hole
All is over in myth
Wind and toll

You find satisfaction
Only in this life
Wrap it all in action
Only in your life

Try it all again

Try it all again
Finish the day
Learn to love this death
Suicide hurts deep inside
That's what they say

Finish the day
Lets begin again
Try to find my soul
I figured I was left to rot in this hole
Its all shot to hell
So go fuck yourself

I finished in time for love
But it left here
Time is bad
And this all is so sad
So just leave me there
Without

Truth is a lonely road

I felt it coming

I felt it coming
I heard it
Only moving
What is it
To much creeping

Sickness
Breaks me in half
Been awhile truthfulness
Take your time, Its not math

I hear you

I hear you
Singing to me
We talk all night long
Nothing to regret
You tell me your secret
And I tell you mine
Everything always seems fine

The truth in your lies

The truth in your lies
Sets me free
The truth in the skies
Lets me be

You're right
I'm wrong
No fight
So long

Find someone to let go
Goodbye to friendship
We are true friends you know
Say hello to hardship

Me, you, and everything
Were down and out
Me, you, not even a thing
Another route

I will see you on the other side
Find you all alone
I hope that you turn the new tide
Turn over the stone

Not even a chance

Not even a chance
I did what I thought
Look at this lance
Death is what I bought

Bring me back from despair
I break my hearts hold
Coincidence so rare
She makes me feel bold

Left solemn and broken
One last embrace
That she left unspoken
Without a trace

Gone like the sun
That moves behind the moon
A post haste run
Why has she left so soon

The injuries add up fast
This journey from the past

Troubled Truth

Troubled truth
Broken straights
Not uncouth
It abates

She looks to you
Falling faster
It's all new
Hard to master

Wrong turn
Blown of course
Strong burn
No more remorse

This isn't right
Close but far
Hard to fight
Chasing a star

What if I gave up tomorrow?

What if I gave up tomorrow?
Would anything happen today?
What if I gave up on loving you?
Would you leave or would you stay?

Brings back memories,
And all the painful feelings
You are gone once again

Pain

Passing by
On a sea
Oh up high
Can it be

It declares
Its intentions
The time swears
To mention

Truth despairs
Feelings brew
No repairs
Those that knew

Time is here
To defend
No despair
Left to send

All behold
It is gone
Time is bold
You're alone

Perfect Picture

Perfect Picture

Forest of recollection
Nothing set in stone
Not even imperfection
Like a broken bone

Fast and curious
Snow blown destruction
Blatant, furious
Stopped all function

Looking through the looking glass
Chaos marooned
The rows of smoke shall not pass
The world consumed

Together we find
What was never found
Searched in our mind
That imperfect sound

The authority never offered
The monster never tamed
The undesirables never bothered
The search never came

Ruthless were their name
Uncontrollable and insane
People were to blame
For years all that's found is rain

Stoke the fires of your soul
Everything is gone but a shadow remains
Your body finds its final role
Closure for now, but nothing in your mind retains

Where am I

Where am I
Against the sickness
What am I
Against the sickness

Breakdown
Follow the light
No not bound
Its alright

Pulling through my skin
Its traveling blight
From my sin
Never right
Sickness I fight

Then it comes
It hits me in the night
Hearing the hums
Traveling
Babbling
Took my might
Left me a poor sight
Took my heart in the fight
Now I am left to my sublime
A fore mentioned rhyme

Puke me again
Never to much to ask
Unless its asked
It's a mystery to me
A never ending troublesome, horrible, terrible sea



Never ask

Aloof and spent

Trying to find what is mine
Coming together with the people
But nothing I do is fine
I threw a rock into the ripple

Everyone is fine with everyone
But I am left behind
At a crossroads already done
I'm trying to be kind

I want you to know
Who and what I am
Here I stand so low
I'm Left saying damn

You people have no thought
At what I have seen
Getting what I have sought
At what I have been

Manipulating my surroundings
Finding those that don't understand
An attempt at discovering my findings
Where do you think it will all land

They will never know the truth
The life that I have broken
life that's living aloof
Under them so out spoken


Blowing their minds
And leaving with no words
These are all signs
Formation of the birds

And with that
I am gone
On the wind
Find me blown
Fax and send

Blatant Traversion

Truth
In sublime chord
Uncouth
And journey forward

Days of death
Cross cut
Haze of meth
Douse butt

Through the valley
Still nights
The death talley
Includes fights

Broken wills
The fall back begins
Stolen seals
The journey ends

My haze

Death and destruction
Never seen among chaos
Lust and deception
Leading to terrible loss

The men and women scream
Love becomes true hate
Truth is always what you deem
Never a clean slate

The air around you not so clean
The ground damaged by reality
You can't imagine what's been seen
Even through perfect clarity

Bleeding eyes

Cloistered definition of truth
When the wind blows by
Utter and unmistakable, its aloof
Every agenda is a lie

Contradiction in and of itself
Get together and make believe
Your childhood put up on a shelf
Follow the foot steps to receive

Constitution broken and battered
Belief makes no one cheap
Lives shredded and tattered
Nothing you want is deep

Stand against the firing squad
Steps placed in stone
Ruin the child or break the rod
Too late, not alone

Everything is complicated
But seems to simple in respect
Everything seems over rated
But is what we see in retrospect

Believe nothing
Your senses are a lie
Believe everything
Because everything will die

Damnation

Bereavement
Personifying the promise I lost
Cement
Denying that which frees us from the cost

It feels worse
When your soul cracks
then a rolling hearse
and deep lung hacks

I felt used
with moral broken compass
I'm confused
at what made me pompous

I have been ordained
with a sense of uselessness
my turn to complain
about this ruthlessness
that which I sustain
against those whom disdain
my choice to turn away
from the problem that rains
from the problem at bay
from the problem that stains

Thus grieving the promise
from the pits of devastation
to that which makes us
live the day to day enervation
Please save my soul from compromise
and stave off the realization...

That I live in damnation

The Ballad of Arta Xerxes. Huh?

All you need to know about this ballad is that it was very difficult for me to write. Its name is more of a reference to a modern day person rather then what someone would normally assume. This poem is what started to set me away from some modern day poets, and helped me to take on my own style. I don't normally tell anyone exactly what my poems are about, but for this one envision a forbidden love.


Disappointing Contradiction
Ironic temptation
Again without validation
The void of deception

Regrets still in place
I find myself guilty
For remembering that Lenoir space
Lost in my tranquility

Should I forget that moment?
Should I destroy bonds already broken?
Can I really condone it
This artifice of mystery is left unspoken

Into a trance I fall
Leaving behind reality
I hear that lovely call
Breaking my duality

Slipping deeper into madness
Diverge into blind desperation
Cultivating what is sadness
Held under her incantation

The walls falling down around me
Everything seems to be changing
When it's all together I can see
I'm the one that's dying

And when the dust settles
I realize its stronger than time
I don't want to be the one who mettles
And provoke the wrath of the sublime

So I'll go on by and by
Driving the long road from your door
I was never there up so high
Still you affect me so much more

Silence is my next journey
Prolonging the balance
Don't stumble into the gurney
Breaking the same Silence


The bottom line
A nervous wreck around you
You'll never be mine
And I could never have you

I try to Contrive
A reason to manufacture
I begin to Survive
And everything starts to fracture

The Ending?

I would like to end this with a bit of inspiration and revision. The first of these last two poems I wrote marked a turning point during a tumultuous time in my life. It gave me something that still hasn't left me, inspiration. It was a very emotional poem to write, and this is the first time the public gets to take a look.

Inspiration

Try and find reason
All is not lost
Search through summer season
But at what cost

The Shapes become sharper
The details more fine
Like the tune of the piper
At the site of a shrine

Waiting for your inspiration
You break a smile
Broken is your incantation
That lasts awhile

Catching glimpse of her eyes
I see into her passion
In blank stare I surmise
Within lies her bastion

At the stroke of her brush
She tells the story
At the stroke oh her crush
She holds all glory

Her brow moves
To finish the race
Her sound smoothes
Beauty shapes her face

Listening to her work
I watch her content
She breaks out a smirk
I know whats meant

We end the dance
As I leave the floor
With one last glance
Shes forever more

This last poem is a ballad that I wrote for my Grandparents 50th anniversary. It depicts a proposal from a mans point of view. This also took some time to write as I really had to envision the emotions evoked in this particular situation.

Looking for love: Romantic in the "ideal" proposal

Chaperons of Ecstasy
Bring back my heart
Depicting this fantasy
From the very start

I lay there uninterrupted
nothing bothered me
until my soul finally erupted
retching into the sea

You chanced a look
into the soul of the pyre
though what you took
was something unlike the fire

The burning
Ecstasy abated
The retching
Fantasy jaded

I used the last card
to fuel my heart's desire
the song of the bard
on the wind, does not tire,
even though its hard
to hear, I'm not for hire

The excuses were full
and I was a liar
I felt her pull
circumstance dire

When all was a hush
I knew I was there
and no more hard rush
I threw down my mare

I took a breath
of this spring air
lamented death
in my stark stare

I picked the primrose
with mighty care
adjusted my verbose
as I climbed the stair

Wild with excitement
I entered in range
after the adjournment
no nothing of change

The door that opened
was antique of age
I stood there in form
as if on stage
waiting in the storm
heart born rage

I looked upon speechless
as if truth had been shown
fixated and breathless
I stood still until dawn

Her signs were gleaming
and she was not shy
she was truly beaming
from clouds up on high

I took in a breath
and stood on one knee
heart nearing death
could not look to see

I asked for her hand
silence stood fast
she noticed the band
and answered at last

The end so near
She knew what to say
cracking a tear
as if she was gay
what would I hear?
Then I heard her say

“I'm Praying above
(looking muted)
on whom I love...
Yes,” she shouted



As of August 21-22 2009 this material has been copy righted and all rights reserved. Thank you all once more this has been a great experience and I do hope to write some more, right now I am taking a few weeks break.