I'm in a vile mood, so have a diary entry instead of some real interaction from me!
Yay!

I hate cleaning.
I have a huuuuuuuuge bedroom, downfall of a 300 year old house.
Cleaning it takes hours, and effort, and by the time I'm done, I do not want to clean the rest of the house at all.

On a side note.
Work sucked today.
On another note.
When does it not suck?
On another, another side note.
My Henry hoover looks like he's done a few tours in Afghan. Poor bastard.

To conclude, here's a quote of the day:
Em - "But he sounds like he has an accent. He might be hot!"
Me - "Brown person accent? Because we all know you're determined to fuck a guy from every continent on Earth to solve the world peace issue"

Just finished a very, very long day and I've realised.
I'm for sure being a mortician.
Fuck the living.

I've already got all my staff, my friends are well up for dressing dead people.
Which speaks volumes about my friends, really.

But, my thought on it is: is it insensetive to do themed dressings for the corpses?
Say it's Halloween, if we dressed up an old lady as a witch? Or a zombie?
Would people be angry?
Or would they be angry, but secretly go home, go into the bathroom, lock themselves in, and laugh.
Laugh a lot.

I know which I'd be doing.

Haha, this just reminds me of a conversation with the woman who wants to do hair Sophie.
Me- "You dressed my Uncle Reginald up as Lady Gaga!"
Sophie- "Yeah, now he's fabulous! That's £97,000 please"
Me - "HOW FUCKING MUCH?! HE'S WEARING THE STEAK SECTION OF TESCO!"
Sophie- "Are you at all aware of how much it costs to A- buy that much steak to cover a 6ft man and B- how much 42inch hair extentions cost?!"

:]
My friends, with things like this, remind me of why I haven't dived onto the train tracks.

So, as the King of Halloween among my friends, I've been given the task of dressing lots of sexy women.
Mwahahahaha.
Wasted on me, to be fair, but still, I get to do it.

But what's fucking me right off, is the fact that you go above trying to get higher than a size 10 and all the clothes are box cut, boring and just look shit.
A girl who is size 10, has far less curves than a girl who is a size 18.
One of my friends who I'm dressing has such an hourglass figure, but, nothing in her size is tailored to fit that.
All the 'sexy' outfits are size 6-8.
Now, nothing on girls size 6-8, but that's sorta just what you are.
Girls.
I want to dress women with boobs and butts.

It's fucking lucky we've stocked up on corsets, waist cinching belts and I know how to re-fit clothes so they're actually tailored and don't look like circus tents.

Let's play a game.

Shuffle your playlist, skip to the 7th song.

Write the first few lyrics, then the last name of the artist/one of the words in the band's name, then write the track length.

And TA-DA! You've written your own bible verse!

"When I come to the club step aside." Bliix 3:15

Hahahaha,
I actually love that remix :]

Waaaah waaaaah life sucks, everybody sucks I can't make banoffee pie and it tastes like BBQ.
True story.

Today I learned of a great loss to TV.
Someone, I admire the most, who was a basic emobiment of stereotypical gay themes and sort of the youth of today in Britain.
She is gone.
Chloe Mafia.
Google it, bitch.

You're a single mother, who can afford 32" hair extentions and diamante clothes.
I love you.
You kind of psycho, tranny hooker coke-fiend with awesome eyelashes.

Now what are we left with on X-Factor?
A nutcase girl who's slightly demonically posessed and that girl with HUGE hair who raps.

On a side note:
"I'll see her do her in the ass"
"James! I don't want to hear about prostitutes and dildos"
"You know what's wrong? Rick Astley, you can't sexy dance to him"
"Except in old peoples homes, it's the law"
"I accept this law"

I love James. :]

I think when I stopped taking drugs, and started eating like a normal person, I replaced cocaine with grapes.
I fucking love grapes.

Omar Santana.
Just a reminder for myself that I want some of his CD's and have no pen handy to write it with.
:]

Also, coffee date turned into getting a little drunk and having a lot of fun.
It's rare I'm as comfortable as I was.
I've also realised I think I've out grown people I gew up with.
Isn't that odd?
I watch them, constant partying and behaving like dicks and think, thank fuck I stopped doing that.
I'm glad I have friends, and a potential partner who I can talk too (and more importantly who follow) my views on politics and world order.

AlsoAlso, my 17 year old sister was in a bar last night, when one of her teachers saw her.
She thought she was getting thrown out, instead they bought her a drink.
She was eventually kicked out for fighting.
It's wrong I'm proud of her.
She's growing up to be a real little revolutionary.
That story doesn't really show it, but trust me, she's an incredibly intelligent, with views that people should pay more attention too.

14 hour day, done.
Customer service skills lost around 11 hours in.
Ability to speak like a sober person, gone after 12 hours.
Last 2 hours were torture.
But I did it.
Without complaint.

Going on a date, well, I say tomorrow but it's technically in 12 hours.
Very excited.

Also, you know what I didn't know about?
The Aversion Project.
You know what I wish there was mind bleach for?
The Aversion Project.
Read about it, and how Mormons think it's a good idea.
Then lose a little more faith in humanity.

I'm currently on break number 2 of my 14 hour day.
So I thought you'd all like to know, I'm taking a chlamydia test.

As this is a site for sex (lol JK it's where we come to bitch about each other and masturbate over dogs and ugly people)
I feel it's essential for everyone who's sexually active (Me, Jack, Trix and her boyfriend, Keesee and probably like 2 others)
To go out and get themselves checked.
Because, let's face it, people are fucking dirty, and probably have something.
And if, like me, you accidentally get drunk and fuck strangers in disabled toilets, there's a chance you might have something.
Although I am a gay sex god, it can happen to me.
It can happen to you, it can happen to anyone.

SO FOR FUCK SAKE JUST DO IT!
All it is, is peeing in a cup.

I have nothing fun to talk about.

So how about you all get to learn how I needed to find a youtube video of how to put my oversized beany on?
Yeah, I did.

Also, check out the story I'm writing because I've nothing better to do inbetween shifts.
I don't fuckin' know.

I have an hours uncomfortable sleep in a car.
Seriously, when I can't make myself comfy, I get really uncomfy.
Now I wanna party my arse off.

Seriously, what is that hurring outside.
Is it Cthulhu?
Is it the Reaper, finally come to claim me?

Or is SOMEWHERE else getting building work done?!

I hate living in the middle of a city.

Even God woke up at 5:30am and went "Well fuck that" and had a few more hours sleep.
Why meeeeeee.
Off to Thorpe Park it is!

So I've been doing some writing, it's a bit of a themed fiction.
Well, it's me writing Harry Potter porn out of boredom.
I Don't Fuckin' Know. take a gander if you want.

You know what's odd?
I'm in a really good fucking mood.
Like, awesome mood.
I'm loving it.
I've been nice to customers.
I'm making friends.
What the fuck is going on?

So it occured to me, I don't think I've ever told you the story of why I won't go to gay bars.
So my only gay friends are a couple, who're 48 and 43, and have been together for 14 years.
So they go to places I don't usually go as they like kare-oke and I like heavy metal and dub-step.

We're in this bar, it's a kare-oke night.
Why you ask?
Because it's a gay bar!
Apparently we theme every day.
Because we fucking can, and every day is a party.
Except Sunday.
Which is shit.

Anywhore.
So I'm one of the youngest there, and for my age group, the fattest.
I weigh, roughly 220lbs and I'm 6ft1.
I'm straight people normal, but gay people obese.
So I'm insta-hated by my age group, who seclude me away with the old rockers.
Who're awesome anyway, so fuck you foundation wearing, Cher loving bitch boy.
If I ever hear If I Turn Back Time, or Leona Lewis' Bleeding Love again, I'll go Third Reich, seriously.
One of the rockers sings an Ozzy song, I can't remember which.
Fuck you, I was hammered. Then comes and talks to me about never cutting my hair.
Thanks for that tid bit, I don't plan on it.
So I'm talking to all these gay guys, they're all really cool 80's guys.
One of them has AID's and should have been dead in the 80's, but he's still living, still partying, and still rocking the mic.
Awwww. But tragic.
Obviously nature calls. It's been like 3 hours.
I'm like a camel, I pee rarely. Apparently it's a sign of bad kidneys.
Fuck you, I hate peeing anyway, I'll just get new ones.
So I toddle off to the bathroom, it takes ages, I'm wasted and lesbians wanna ask where I got my shoes from.
Zebra print high tops, thankyou.

When I have to wait to use the cubicle.
There are guys jacking each other off by the urinals, I don't wanna disturb that.
When this dude comes out, not many teeth, looks old, smells ungodly.
He walks up to me, and offers me some crack.
I kindly decline, I've stopped being a junky (hence why I'm a chubster, but that's a whole other story)
He then proceeds to tell me I've got nice eyes.
Thanks, I know. I'm hot.
Then it's, with that long hair, you kinda look like a girl.
I never shave, ever, I've always got stubble, I look fuck all like a girl.
Unless I dress up, then I'm hot as a girl too.
So I'm like, uhm thanks I guess.
Then it's.....how about we go back into the cubicle, smoke some crack and you fuck my ass.
I'm like, what. What?

So I left, without peeing, and pretended my friends are my boyfriends.

And that's the story of why I won't go to gaybars!

Why the fuck have I not paid more attention to Betty Fucking White?
Damn being English.

I am seriously concidering become Prime Minister.
You know you'd love to see me get assasinated.

So, on some dudes profile it asks questions about his ideal guy.
One of them is his friends, and he says he wants them girls because he wants a gay guy.
Do people, honestly, think gay guys are just friends with girls?
We've no male friends, because we may accidentally fuck them, or they won't want to be friends with us incase we hit on them?
Well, fuck you.

Most of my friends are straight males.
Yes, really straight, not "I'm not usually into dudes but I'm drunk" straight.
It's not even a matter of me being their 'pet gay' I'm just their friend.
My sexuality doesn't come into it.
Except when they're like "Fuck there's my 10 to 4 girl, what do you think?" then they remember.

tl;dr version
My sexuality isn't defined by who I make friends with.
It's who I like to stick it in.

'little' is a lie, sweetness.
Weeee more blogs on work.

We've got a new guy.
He's faaaaaaar too chipper.
At 11am, on a Sunday, when you come in, and I've clearly had a huge bowl of bitchflakes, with a side of fuck you juice.
Do you really think I wanna hear you call me a petname only friends have for me, and then ask inane questions.

Also.
Die.

I generally find the gay community excrutiatingly funny.
Being a part of that community, I get access to things you straight people don't see of us.
Like how a large portion of us are homophobic.
Don't ask.
It makes no sense to the normal ones of us either.
But this kid on this blog site is complaining his penis hurts as he just got circumsized.
Though he's now gone on to say the only thing that'll make it better is getting his iPod Touch.
I actually laughed out loud.

Also.
Gay saunas.
I learn, today, at 22 and a half, that they are real.
I honest to god, didn't believe anyone, for a long time, that they exist.
Are there straight saunas?
Where you have sex, not get a massage.
Or is it one of those gay things?
Like underground clubs where the bathroom consists of a bath, where you urinate on someone.
Seriously.
They exist too.
I was a podium dancer in one when I was younger.

Now I'm not so much part of the gay community either.