No one sees the hurt or the sad eyes that come along with me or the tears cuz my mom has found yet another looser who thinks they can get laid by me...dont know where to turn all i know is the tears dont stop

Its bullshit when you cant go to your brothers funeral because you have a warrant out for your arrest in the state that its in and you hear rumors that they are going to try and take custody of you during the funeral. Fuck the government and let people grieve in peace for christs sakes

Not about me but someone extremly close to me and it pisses me off

Ever had a ex that you just wanted to get back in touch with? Well I do and his name is lamir, but I swear I can't flipping find or remember any of his information to save my life. I'm bout to search his name thru the jail and po systems in milwaukee wi, see if he is still on file. If not I may be traveling back up to milwaukee to find his ass

So there is this guy I've been crushing on from work since I went to overnights, a few days ago I gave him my number to txt me, I finally got it out in the open that I liked him, for the past few weeks before he knew anything about me liking him he had been offering to give me a ride home from work but I was steadily denying him, finally today it was pretty fucking cold and he offered me a ride home and I finally accepted it. Punched out from work and we got in the car. He starts driving in the opposite way of my house and he is like don't worry I'm just going to the store to grab a cappuchino(or how ever you spell it). We pull up in front of the gas station he stops and looks me "so you really like me huh?" "Yeah I do" then he looks at me and says"are you sure you can handle me" I say " trust me hunny I can handle anything that you throw my way" he says "so would you be okay with me testing to see if you can really handle me or not" I say "yeah" he looks at me and smiles then gets out of the car a few minutes later he returns gets in the car turns it back on and says " I want my dick sucked" I say "now?" He looks and me and is like "yeah, why not?" I reply "fine by me" he starts to head to my motel room and he was like you want to do it here or go somewhere, dummy me my ex still lives with me, so we drive to the otherside of town find a quiet discreet area to do the buisness, I give him head for 20 minutes he cums in my mouth I of course swallow and lick what dribbles onto my lips, he looks at me and laughs looks like you got your vitamin d for the day, I smile and nodd, we drive off and head back to my room, on the way back we tell each other a little about ourselves and decide that a purely sexual relationship will work for us for right now, and that what we do stays between us 

Its amazing to me how there are some people in your lifetime that you just never loose feelings for no matter how long its been since the last time you've spoken and seen each other. I am speaking of this from a recent expeirence with a member of this site and former co-worker. Just yesterday we started speaking again, and instaniously I remembered how easily he made me laugh even just through messaging on this website. It made me miss him all over again. Then I was in another relationship and there was no room to explore what could of been, but now if the opportunity presents itself I'm going to go for it, no matter what the cost, I had honestly forgot what it was like to be ginuinly happy, its amazing how one person can provide that experience for you

Food for thought: How many of us can say that we have atleast one true friend; a friend that always has your back but isn't scared to keep it 100% real with you even if the truth hurts. I thought I had a few true friends but then I met Nyrobi and Marquis and between those two thewy showed me what real friends are. Sometimes we need to take time to re-evaluate the people that we choose to spend our time with. Talking bout real life here people not internet

You keep saying that you have changed.But the only things you have changed arent the fucking things that matter

Moving out....dont know when the next time I will be able to get online anymore.I hope Jason will let me stay with him.....I think he will if I really need a place to stay. Otherwise its to a shelter I go. One of these I will have my own place...than no one will be able to tell me what to do anymore

The fatefull day has come where I have decided to leave fake for good. I have many personal reasons for this....The main reason being is that fake puts too much drama into my life...and to be quite frank no website is worth all that bullshit...For those of you who wish to remain in contact with me most of you have my msn or yahoo accounts so you may message me there. Or you can look me up on elfpack at [demon_kissed] or elftown at [fade_in2_dark]....I am sorry guys but its time for me to say buh-bye to http://fake.swedma.com ......good luck to all of you. Take care and have a good life....

yell at me, scream at me, I don't care....Atleast having you scream and yell at me shows me emmotion...shows me you care...Be tender with me if you want...Just don't ever be afraid to show your true colours with me.....Please tell me anything.....Or just one word....It don't matter so long as you stand by my side...I know I've made mistakes....I know that I have been stupid...Just show me something, ANYTHING

Just wanted to say that you mean more to me than world

This is the begining of what will be a poem....its not complete and this is essentially a draft....but you will get the general idea and can give me feed back if you wish

As I lay here awake,
Staring up at the ceiling
Fighting back the tears
The one thing I desire is to be in my loved ones arms
Still I fight the fight within myself
Trying despartly to get this nightmare to escape me

You turn to me and ask "whats wrong?"
I try to respond with it was a nightmare,
But the tears and sobs choke me up
You fail to see that for me these nightmares are more than just a "bad dream"
In a sense they are a vision of reality
I calm myself down and tell you that it was a nightmare.
You tell me "dont worry about it was just a bad dream"
Hearing those words escape your lips just makes me want to scream

You dont seem to comprehend how much I fear these nightmares
If only you could see what I see, you would be terrified too.
You would weep as I do
You would run in fear just as I have in the past

You want me to talk about them
I clam up because I fear that if I speak of it,
It will be spoken into exsistance
You dont understand and I realize that its not your fault
For I dont know how to explain these nightmares to you
So I sit in my corner and weep, knowing deep down inside that only I can comfort myself

Don't let people push you around when it comes to who you love. You cant help who you love. Just embrace the love when you find it. And hang on to it tight if you believe its the real thing. Screw what anyone else thinks. The only thing that matters ultimatly in the end is that you are happy

Sometimes love dosent always make it obvious to you that it is there untill its too late...And you are with somebody else...But then you discover it and realize that the person you are with is all wrong for you. So you break things off because you dont want to continue to lead him on that you still love him when your heart is truly reaching out for somebody else. So you take that risk of leaving the person you care about for the person you love. You take that leap of faith knowing and hoping that everything works out. It dose you are happy for now and forever. Baby I am always yours. Nobody else will have me, nobody else will ever be allowed to have me. I see that I was meant for you and you only. I only belong in your arms. That is where I will stay. I love you.

So yeah as most of ya'll have already figured out I have made it to my new home and things are going well. Yes it is true that I am living with [Sono Akuma, Kurojin no Kaze] for those of you who speculate wether the rumors are true or not. Things are going very well for me. And I expect All of my friends to respect my wishes that have been posted on my house. I really dont care if I used to cyber with you before me and [Sono Akuma, Kurojin no Kaze] got together or not. Chances are it was more than like 6-8months since the last time I did anyways. Point being I am not going to change my mind even if we have a relation on http://fake.swedma.com it dose not matter to me. Ya'll really arent any special than the rest of the other people on this website. And if ya'll truly are my "friend" than you will just simply respect my decisions and be ok with it. And not end the relation on here...Like many others have done in the past 3 weeks. If you are not ok with any of my request you might as well just end the relation with me right now. Thank you. And too those of you that are my real friends on here and respect for me, I thank you. For showing me that you are the people that care about me and not what ever online sexual favors you might hope to get outta me

Nervous Happy Excited Antsy Scared..All these emmotions depict how I am feeling right now...Most of its good...I will be with my man...But still worried about the outcome...Just about the financial...at any rate I dont know when I will be back or if I will be back...But to those of you are that are my good friends...Take care of yourselves....

READER DISCRESION IS ADVISED

SEXISM: A very touchy topic on fake....Alot of women seem to blame men as being the main problem to blame, when in actuallity I find that there are more women guilty of being sexist on this website than men. Granted alot of women have had men do terrible things to them that factor should not matter in my personal opinion. I would like to take a pause to make a note that my personal opinion and views are just that MINE.I am not saying that you have to agree with them that is not my place to make the judgement call that is yours..But dont sit there and badger me about it because you may not like it.Now back to the original topic. Alot of women have been hurt several times by men. this I fully understand. I have been raped...beaten...cheated on and so forth by a various assortment of my ex's. But yet somewhere in my heart I find it hard to believe that all men are terrible creatures who just want to use and abuse us. Yes granted on this particular websit http://fake.swedma.com you will find that most of the men on here want one thing and one thing only Sex. Well what do you expect that is what this website advertises more than anything is Sex...and for people to come here and to make casual sexual relations. Ok that is find and dandy and I can understand that if you are a woman that is in a relationship that you may not want to talk to those men...But someone women on this website take it to the extreminty of flat out refusing to speak to any men what so ever. Now to me that is bullshit because there are some really decent men on this website...who yes they care about sex but they can also hold an intellectual conversation. And actually speak to you with respect and attempt to get to know you better before they just jump into cyber sex. Also I have found that on this website the men that I have spoken to care more about a FRIENDSHIP more than a fuck buddy....So to all this women who flat out refuse to speak to men on this website I think that maybe you should reevaluate your standpoint on men and give some of them a second chance. Because if you gave the men on this website a second chance I think that you will be suprised by how many good men can be found on this site

[10 Things Your NEVER Giving Up]
1.] My Dreams
2.] My wishes
3.]My friends
4.] My family
5.] Chocolate
6.] Peanut Butter
7.] My Boobs
8.]My personality(wont change it for anyone)
9.] My Life experiences good and bad....it's how we learn and grow as human beings
10.] My hopes and wishes

[09 Things You're Looking Forward To]
1.] Moving Away from this place I call my personal hell
2.] Talking to my friends
3.] Finding and being with that ooh so special someone
4.] Going to bed eventually
5.] Starting College
6.] Getting a fresh start on life
7.] Being Truly Happy again
8.] My next orgasm
9.] Visiting Germany someday

[08 Things You Wear Daily]
1.] Bra
2.] Underpants
3.] Pants
4.] Shirt
5.] Glasses/Contacts(more often than glasses)
6.] Ring from my great grandmother
7.] Earings
8.] Cell Phone

[07 Things/People That Annoy You]
1.] Selfishness
2.] Ignorance
3.] Sexist
4.] Dirty Dishes
5.] Homophobics
6.] Cops
7.] Preps


[06 Things You Touch Every Day]
1.] Myself ;)
2.] ToothBrush
3.] Food
4.] My Computer
5.] The Hamster(well when she lets me, she likes to bite)
6.] My Cup

[05 Things You Do Every Day]
1.] Shower
2.] Brush my teeth
3.] Check My emails/Accounts on varius website
4.] Watch T.V.
5.] Eat


[04 People You Hang out With]
1.] My roommate
2.] Robert
3.] Alicia
4.] Kayla


[03 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over]
1.] Dirty Dancing
2.] Armagedon
3.] Anger Management


[02 Of Your Favorite Songs At This Moment]
1.] Eminem-When Im Gone
2.] Disturbed- Stupidfy


[01 Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With]
1.] [Sono Akuma, Kurojin no Kaze]

1.
EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT Ring?
Nope not yet.....That might change one day I hope though

2.
LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?2 years
3.
LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?A CD


4.
EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?Yup....its a wonder my current one still works

5.
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?-thinks- its been a while....but I want to start again

6.
THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?Phone Cards....food

7.
LAST FOOD YOU ATE?Spaghetti

8.
FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?Eyes and personality

9.
ONE FAVORITE SONG?At the moment "Only you" by Ashanti

10.
WHERE DO YOU LIVE? Currently BC Michigan

11.
HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:Marshall High School

12.
CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:AT&T for now

13.
FAVORITE MALL STORE:Debs....or Barnes and Noble....But I dont shop at the mall much


14.
LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:2years Wal-Mart(Currently employed there)

15.
DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?Sex dice? Or regular? I own both but the sex dice more fun :D


16.
DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?:Whats the point?

17.
LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:My cousins 3 years ago

18.
FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY: Henry

19.
LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND: About a month ago

20.
FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:Burger King


21.
BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD: Not sure at the moment


23.
WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?
What ever sounds good at that point in time

24.
CAN YOU COOK? Yes I can.....But I hate to clean up after it.....Dreading Christmas for that one reason

25.
WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?:1991 Buick Regal Sport.....Well I would be driving it if we could figure out whats wrong with it


26.
BEST KISSER: Dont really have one......not now anyways

27.
LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:Umm....like a couple of months ago.....But I was going thru a rough time back then

28.
MOST DISLIKED FOODS:Cherries and Shellfish...but thats cuz im allergic to them


29.
THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:My personality....It's the one thing that sets me apart from the rest
Wouldnt change it for the world

30.
THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF: I try not to think of those things.....I just try to accept myself for the way I am and realize that there are people out there who love me cuz I am the way I am....Flaws and all

32.
LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?:9am to Midnight.....Did a company picinic for Macintosh back when I worked for Anderson's Corn Roast.....That was a busy ass day


33.
FAVORITE MOVIE?Dirty Dancing


34.
CAN YOU SING?I couldnt sing to save my life lol....No just kidding I dont really know...I dont typically pay much attention to my voice when I do sing...and I am too shy to sing infront of other people

35.
LAST CONCERT ATTENDED? Ummm......I forget....I went to like every concert that Summerfest did back in '04....working security for it


36.
LAST KISS?.......Dont remember its been a loooonnng time

37.
LAST MOVIE RENTED:The Dark Knight


38.
ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:
Cell phone

39.
FAVORITE vacation spot: Hmmm....dont really ever take vacations but I'd have to say the most desirable place would be Waco Texas


40.
LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:Desktop

44.
FAVORITE COMEDIAN?:Ummm......I like em all

45.
DO YOU SMOKE? Used to and I do on occasion if Im really pissed
46.
SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?Depends on if im sleeping with someone or not


47.
WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?:Just me for now.....But hopefully that will change soon

48.
DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?They can but you gotta have alota patience for them....Luckily for me I have that virtue


49.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?
Ummm like 9 times......one time I got pulled over 8 times in one night all cuz my stupid light bulb over my license was burnt out

50.
PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST? French Toast

51.DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?: Gotta be in the mood for it

52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?Scrambled and with chesse


53.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?:I believe it has its truths to it


54.
LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?: Henry


55.
LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?Not sure....got some number on there but I cant figure whose it is

56.
WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?:A joke my friend sent me something...cant remember what the joke was and I am too lazy to look at my cell phone and find it


58.
NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:1

59.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:Bra...Oversized Hoodie and panties


61.
WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?:Strawberry
62.
CAN YOU PLAY POOL?:Never really been taught how....although I know someone who wants to teach me how

63.
CAN YOU SWIM? Yeah I can swim

64.
FAVORITE ICE CREAM?:Ben and Jerry's the triple brownie one

65.
DO YOU LIKE MAPS?No...I typically get more lost using them than not using them

68.
EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?:Nope

69.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON: fall
70.
LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?Last night....Me and co-worker were laughing at some drunk customers

71.
WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING ?Ummm...which time

72.
BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?:Christmas

73.
LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?:6 months ago

75.
NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?:Snowflake

76.
DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?Dont think about it much

77.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND?? Nothing sitting at home....talking to friends online and working...like I do every weekend

78.
BIRTHDATE:December 15

79.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE:Architect

85.
ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?Noppers

87.
ARE YOU SMILING?:Meh not really but then again Im also dead ass tired

89.
DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?:Yes I do and he knows who he is-winks-

90.
IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO? Waco, Texas all to be near one person

92.
ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?:Havent been in High school since I was 17 all though I need to get ready to go back for my diploma

95.
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?:Red whit and black...

96.
DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?:Not in school atm

97.
DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?:Nope
98.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?:Nope....I might consider it one day though
99.
DO YOU HAVE A SISTER? I have 6 sisters if you include step
100.
ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?: Nope

102.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?Yeah

103.
DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW? Oooh yes and He knows it very much so.....Misses you babe

104.
WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING?None
105.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY?
Go to bed

To every guy that regrets hurting or losing her.
To every guy who knows which girl he wants.
To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."
To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful." (instead of Damn ur hot!)
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town (or across the state) to see her.
To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that cried in front of her.
To every guy that she cried in front of.
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with meaning.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes.
To every guy that would give his seat up.
To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car.
To every guy that wasn't just trying to get laid.
To every guy that gave his heart.
To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.
Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore... And because of this, there are not many left out there...
If you are a nice guy repost this with "Nice guys finish last."
If you are a girl that thinks every guy should try to acomplish even a few of these repost this with: "To the nice guys left"

I find it funny how some people can run away from their problems so easily yet I find it difficult to just up and leave my responibilties no matter how rough things get I still ride the roller coaster of life.....And yet only one man stays true to me by my side supporting everythin I choose to do....I think he loves me but I dont know. I cant get him to say it....Very lost and confused....Is it too much to ask for a lil bit of clarity in my life....