A girl killed herself yesterday, by, as I hear it, overdosing on several different drugs, and then drowning herself in the local pond. Today, it was announced during third period, that she "passed away" and they wanted to stress that "no details are known" so as to "crush any rumors" ... There were clergy and councilors available in the office. I saw the list of people leaving school, and it included less than 25 names. I left during my last period, a study hall. I couldn't sit there anymore. Her name was on no-one's lips. I listened for it. Laughter and life as it existed in school, progressed as routine. I'd known her during the sporadic soccer practices and games during my 7th and 9th years of school, for the YMCA. She was the only girl on the team that I held in any regard. She was one of the few women who bothered to disgregard the foolish feminine stereotypes, and live life as she wished; She'd play, and be competitive, even if she wasnt aggressive. She was stunningly beautiful, with a lovely form, sharp, bright eyes, and graceful, deft hands. Her name was on no one's lips.
Intellectually, I know she is gone; I could hear the uncomprehending sorrow in the person's voice that told me so, a voice I trust; I heard how she died; she wasnt walking the halls with everyone else, talking or laughing. But, I dont feel it emotionally. I had to will myself to cry for her. I willed it so, because she deserved the tears, and infinitely more; also, because I desperately wanted to feel something. I've never faced the death of anyone that I knew terribly well, aside from my uncle, Rick, who lives in California with his wife and two of his three children, who's life was destroyed by kidney cancer, a month or two ago. I wrote him a poem. It was never read aloud to my knowledge. I've never felt the effects of losing someone in my life, any part of my life. I don't want to be numb or unresponsive to this. Emotionaly, there is no response but what I will to happen in my emotions. Emotion, is a thing of itself. I should feel ... SOMETHING. That, too, scares me. But, only intellectually. Where has my heart gone? Why ... Was no one talking about her? Why were there no thoughts of her in people's eyes, that I could see? They were in mine .. I know they were. And I didnt even truly know her. I only breathed across the surface. Not so much as a ripple. I wish she'd've left something. I hope she did. Something cryptic. Something to muse over. Something hateful. Something to sorrow for. Something, to evoke something. I miss her. I don't even kow her. Where is everyone's sanity? Mine is lost. There is little that brings light to my days ... For her, every passing day, hardly more than a blink, will be the black of endless gray. If my heart refuses to weep, I will still be sure that tears are shed in your name, if from no eyes but mine. Sweetest dreams.