blah.... I hate being home alone.my brother and sister and some punk ass bastard scared the shit out of me once and now i cant stand to be home by myself.i hate it. but atleast i have a BB gun! hahaha and knives.oi...
im bored. piper is asleep. and i had to take a placement test tonite. i did horrible on the math as expected. ill always suck at math...
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah... im so bored and i dont want to keep writing about how upset i am and how much i still miss and love pete, and how much i wish this was a night mare and i could wake up in his arms with piper in mine......i hate this...i want everything back i want to be happy again...he says hes innocent, but if you were on suicide watch and scared shitless what does that say to someone. if he was innocent he wouldnt have been on suicide watch and he wouldnt have been scared. the detective said they had a good case against him. if he hadnt lied to me so much and acted likea total dick wad the whole time we were dating maybe i would have believed him but he cheated on me so much... i did everything for him. i loved him and i get heartache and pain as my payment for giving him everything and the most beautiful thing ive ever seen in this world, Piper.atleast i have her she makes me happy to a degree but she cant fill that hole that pete occupied....now its gapping and just bleeding every where.im too nervous to get out there again A. because i still love pete and i still want him, and not anyone else. & B. i dont want to get hurt again. if i get rejected ill just get more depressed and not alot of guys go for chicks with kids so why bother....i hate this fucking pain!! i wish i could just sleep for a long time...or maybe someone to beat me a bit. i can handle physical pain better than emotional pain... bumps and bruises go away quicker...

I cant sleep.... piper sleeps...like a rock!! and when i do its not a very good quality...idk why i cant sleep. lame yes its only 930, but im usually in bed by now. Maybe because im so depressed.... i feel so stupid and pathetic because i still love pipers father....and i still just wnat him to be here. i pray every night that il wake up and this will all be a dream. that ill have a text on my fone that says"morning beautiful, i love you!" and ill be near him in a few hours with the baby... i just want my old life back, when i was happy with my baby and the man i loved with me....i lay down at night with piper cuddled close to me, and i feel empty, like theres something, or someone missing.. and i know that some one is the man ill always love, some part of me will always love...i want his arms around me as i sleep, protecting me as i sleep like i protect piper....i miss him so much...im so lonely, and i just shun most ppl because i dont want anyone elses attention...i wonder if piper remebers him...i wanted so badly to be a family...for her to have a mommy and a daddy...and now she has sad mommy...sad mommies are no fun, believe me i know... my mom suffres from depression... its no walk in the park...but atleast i have her. shes my superglu, the only thing that makes me smile anymore...its nice to know someone is happy to see me when i get home...shes just so amazing. id be a ghost if she werent here... id be a veggie,id hide away in my room all day and sleep...id be so much worse if she wasnt here....i hate this...i want my life back.. i want to be happy again..... its not fair...