Tears
Alive you cry
Dead you stop
It's a fact of life
So why do I feel wrong to cry
I try to hide my tears
Show no one the hurt
Show no one the pain
Show only the joy
The strength
Never let anyone see the darkness that's consumming me
Never let them see the inside of my heart
So many think they know me
But they don't
I show no one all of me
Not even those I love
I can't allow them to sink into this black abyss
For if they see this darkness it will surely drive them mad
Perhaps all they see is a small amount of the true darkness
But never all
Never the total unrelenting soul crushing darkness

Marpsy

I haven't slept well in days. Everytime I close my eyes I want to cry but I can't. During the day I'm happy but then I'll head for bed and I'll start to want to cry. Everything is finally going my way so why do I feel this way? I feel trapped and alone. Even though I've got everything going for me at long last

I LOVE HIM GET USED TO IT PEOPLE! I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH IT HURTS ME I LOVE HIM GOT IT?!

When does loving someone stop hurting?
When does needing them stop aching?
When does knowing they will never want you stop making you cry?
When does love stop sucking?
When does them calling you "love" not make you cry?
When does the pain go away?
When do you heal?
When does fighting for them stop making you hated?
When does it stop?
It never stops
It never ends
It never gets better
It never does
It always does
You never will
You'll always be hated
It is love it's so strong it makes you hate them
It makes you hate yourself
You love them
You need them
But you can't have them
So you hate yourself
You blame yourself

Marpsy

Close your eyes
Do you feel it
This pain that all you can do is fight
You'll never win
I know I'm in Hell right now
I hate me
I want me dead
But there is something I live for
I'm never sure if I should give up
Or keep fighting
I don't know wether to run
Or just surrender
Pain
Agony
Hate
Words I know the meaning of intimately
Words I understand better than anyone
Tell me you understand
I don't believe you

Marpsy

Lately my mood seems to be excessively down. Mostly cuz one minute I'll feel like all is right with the world and the next I'll be depressed. I NEED A FLIPPING HUMAN TEDDYBEAR FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

So riding
well all and all it was enjoyable
Unfortunately two people got somewhat injured. First was me. I got to ride Sonya (the horse) first... but um not before getting my left foot stepped on. Later I got slammed into a tree branch bigger than me o.o and still later I had my right foot stepped on. Well that's what horses do.
Naomi got injured worse. First off the horse slid and fell into a tree causing Naomi to get slammed into said tree. Later on she let the horse run and got thrown into barbed wire fence. (OUCH) Mike the resident "nurse" declared that one of her cuts might need stiches. Poor Naomi that had to hurt. If you want to show your sympathy drop a line to my mother [Nafycen Tekalcey]

EXCITED!!!!
I'm going to Elitches Saturday instead of putting up with my cousins whom I love but really can't take in large doses. Woot. My Aunt Noel called and said it's fine if I change plans on her. Again Woot.

something that warmed my heart to no end
Sara: YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME AND GOING TO LHS!!! I WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU JUST BECAUSE I FUCKING CAN! Plus you are on newspaper staff next year, and I need your writing ability, and i need you there for me!!!! THATS RIGHT THE WORLD DOES REVOLVE AROUND ME! so there...I am not letting you go!!!
SCREW EVERYONE ELSE! WHEN DID YOU EVER START CARING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THOUGHT!?!? NEVER! Be yourself and never change for anyone. If they can't handle you at your worst then they sure as hell dont deserve you at your best.
DON'T RUN AWAY! REVENGE IS MORE YOUR STYLE! DONT LET THEM WIN

If you read this, even if we don't speak often... post a comment with a memory of you and I. It can be anything, good or bad. When your finished post this paragraph in your diary and you'll be surprised at what people remember of you.

Betrayal. Cold betrayal. I thought of all people you would understand how much it hurts to be betrayed by those closest to you. Apparently not. You took what I said and twisted it into something else entirely. The pain of it is killing me inch by inch because I trusted you more than a lot of people and you threw that trust in my face and used me like a plaything. All I ever asked of you was that you not betray me and what did you do? You betrayed me the same as everyone else always does. I give and I give and I give. I bleed and I sweat and I cry. And in the end none of it ever matters because the people who I thought were protecting my back are really betraying me. If I've learned one thing it's not to turst anyone. Ever.

Nicknames I'd rather I didn't have
little little -wtf? why the hell would you call someone little little
Sharebear- Do I look like a carebear to you honestly?
Sherbert- idk just annoying

I'm causing pain to all the things I care about and it's just hurting and hurting and hurting and I can't bear it anymore

Question: Are my friends trying to kill me?
Answer: Quite possibly

TO MY FRIENDS
I apologize now I'm leaving. I'm switching schools so that I can't hurt the people I love anymore

What Love is Really Worth

Love really isn’t worth it
My heart bleeds a little more each day
Because I love you
And I know you’ll never love me
Look away, don’t see my tears
Don’t comfort me
I don’t want your pity
You know I can’t bear it
Yet you ask me to
If only for a little longer
Heartsore I continue to protect you
I am tired of the pain
Yet I hate the absence of feeling
I cut just to feel
If only for a moment
Strange as it sounds
Pain is the only thing I can feel
You didn’t know me before
All happiness drained from my life
You knew me before
I discarded the mask
You knew me when
I could pretend I felt something
Other than pain

Marpsy

Heartbroken Angel

1 Your love makes my heart hurt
2 Your hate makes it bleed
3 Please stop this game it’s too much for me to take
4 Either say you love me
5 Or say you hate me
6 But stop swinging back and forth
7 And breaking my heart even more
8 Your love is killing me slowly
9  I no longer want to because it’s cutting me like a knife
10 You say you’re my friend
11 So why must you hurt me so?
12 All I want is for you to hold me tight
13 And never let go
14 Yet I know that’s impossible
15 Because you’ll never love me
16 And that is what hurts me so
17 Love me
18 Hate me
19 I don’t care anymore
20 You’ve hurt me too much to believe you when you say you love me
21 But I love you too much to believe you hate me
22 So I’ll just pretend you don’t exist
23 I will never understand why you insist on playing with my heart
24 Isn’t it enough to know I love you can’t live without you?
25 Why do you need to make me feel awful about myself?
26 Why must you play this twisted game with my heart?
27 Hating you would be sweet bliss
28 But I can’t bring myself to do it no matter how hard I try
29 The lies hurt
30 The truth hurts
31 I thought I could handle
32 You not loving me
33 But now I’m not so sure
34 You say we’re just friends
35 But when you kiss me I forget that
36 Why must you keep kissing me?
37 If you meant it kiss me again
38 If you don’t mean it don’t kiss me again
39 Because I can’t take anymore of this
40 It’s driving me insane

Marpsy
This was written nearly a month ago but it sums up how I feel everyday now

Heartbroken Angel

1 Your love makes my heart hurt
2 Your hate makes it bleed
3 Please stop this game it’s too much for me to take
4 Either say you love me
5 Or say you hate me
6 But stop swinging back and forth
7 And breaking my heart even more
8 Your love is killing me slowly
9  I no longer want to because it’s cutting me like a knife
10 You say you’re my friend
11 So why must you hurt me so?
12 All I want is for you to hold me tight
13 And never let go
14 Yet I know that’s impossible
15 Because you’ll never love me
16 And that is what hurts me so
17 Love me
18 Hate me
19 I don’t care anymore
20 You’ve hurt me too much to believe you when you say you love me
21 But I love you too much to believe you hate me
22 So I’ll just pretend you don’t exist
23 I will never understand why you insist on playing with my heart
24 Isn’t it enough to know I love you can’t live without you?
25 Why do you need to make me feel awful about myself?
26 Why must you play this twisted game with my heart?
27 Hating you would be sweet bliss
28 But I can’t bring myself to do it no matter how hard I try
29 The lies hurt
30 The truth hurts
31 I thought I could handle
32 You not loving me
33 But now I’m not so sure
34 You say we’re just friends
35 But when you kiss me I forget that
36 Why must you keep kissing me?
37 If you meant it kiss me again
38 If you don’t mean it don’t kiss me again
39 Because I can’t take anymore of this
40 It’s driving me insane

This was written nearly a month ago but it sums up how I feel everyday now

THis is to you you know who you are

Understand

The loneliness growing in my heart
The darkness consuming my soul
It’s all because of you
It’s because I’ve sat here
Watching you silently
Not letting you see
What I wanted
I didn’t think I could bear
Anymore pain
Even though watching you
Was hurting me
You can’t understand
Why I won’t look you in the eye
Why I just look away
Why I’m crying right now
I wish you could understand
I won’t speak those fatal words
Not to you not to anyone
I won’t have them thrown in my face
Not by you not by anyone
You want me to say something I can’t
You say I’m your friend
Do you honestly think that’s what I want?
Do you see that pains me even more?
That is why I avoid you
You’ll understand someday
But for now I’ll just stay away
So that the pain doesn’t show
So that I can’t hurt you.

Marpsy

ICE

This wall of ice that I built around my heart
Is slowly killing me
I feel the chill of loneliness getting stronger
I want someone to shatter this wall of ice
To break down all the barriers
I've put between myself and another heartbreak
To heal the hurt
Even though I know there's no one there
And eventually this chill will kill me
Until then I'll carry on
I'll protect my angels, my family, and my country
And pray that before this chill kills me
Someone rescues me from it
Because if it doesn't go away soon
It will stop my heart
Because it's not something I can escape from
Or even fight against

Marpsy

I'm so fucking stupid I've fallen for the one person I shouldn't. I'm so stupid I want to die. He's so blind and he'll never see that the girl crying over him is me. He'll never know that I care about him because he can't see beyond what he wants
Why do I always end up being the one they never see?
I keep bleeding on the inside and I keep ending up crying. And for what? To get hurt again? I don't know why I bother. It's just not worth it. I give up. I surrender. I'm not meant to be happy apparently. I'm meant to be the old spinster who has spent her entire life watching her friends leave her one by one until she's all alone. Wait too late I already am all alone.