FUCK THIS SHIT! I am so fucking tired of losing friends because of who I am. Everyone seems to think I'm some fucking perfect little angel.
I"M A LYING BITCH A SOCIOPATH I'M USELESS AND WORTHLESS AND I DESERVE TO DIE OKAY I GOT IT LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS FUCKING HURTS
I am hating life. I won't show it but it's the little things. My whole body stiffens and I want to cry at the mention of poker. I want to fucking deck something every time someone says "not by blood" when I say I'd never date someone I consider family. I can't stand the words "boy friends" anymore because I hate myself because I feel like I'm cheating on one of my best friends. I hate me because I know it's my fault I put myself where I am
Greatest mistakes I regret happened in one day. It didn't give him the right but somehow I wonder if I hadn't done or said some of those things if it would have never happened. If I would never have been brought to such shame. If his mother and his grandmother had never brought me such pain. If he had never ever done what he had done would things have gotten better. Would I have lost so much? Would I be where I am? god it hurts but I can't look back
You ever have those days where your future looks so dim it hurts?
Like I used to believe I'd be dead in 5 maybe fewer years because I didn't see a future. I still have those days but I got to thinking. Why do people look at their past when they look at their future? I mean I look at the fact that whenever things started to get better things got worse soon afterward. It came to me that maybe you should look at your future without looking at your past.
The Animal Within
Darkness, desperation
It's in the blood
It's thrumming through your veins
The animal within whispers
It cries
It howls
It screams
You can feel it so close to the surface
Perhaps you becam this way by a bite
Perhaps by birth
None the less it is a part of you
A part you fear
A part you revel in
Death fallows you like a shadow
Blood is your calling card
Darkness your best friend
Tell me you don't fell it
I'll know you're lying
I feel her call within my veins
The silver furred green eyed feline
My brother feels his call within his veins
The black furred gold eyed canine
Deep within our souls the cry comes
Demanding release on this the full moon
Marpsy
I've become cold
I've become a stone.
I believe crying makes you weak. It makes you lose your edge. It makes you soft.
Tears
Alive you cry
Dead you stop
It's a fact of life
So why do I feel wrong to cry
I try to hide my tears
Show no one the hurt
Show no one the pain
Show only the joy
The strength
Never let anyone see the darkness that's consumming me
Never let them see the inside of my heart
So many think they know me
But they don't
I show no one all of me
Not even those I love
I can't allow them to sink into this black abyss
For if they see this darkness it will surely drive them mad
Perhaps all they see is a small amount of the true darkness
But never all
Never the total unrelenting soul crushing darkness
Marpsy
I haven't slept well in days. Everytime I close my eyes I want to cry but I can't. During the day I'm happy but then I'll head for bed and I'll start to want to cry. Everything is finally going my way so why do I feel this way? I feel trapped and alone. Even though I've got everything going for me at long last
I LOVE HIM GET USED TO IT PEOPLE! I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH IT HURTS ME I LOVE HIM GOT IT?!
When does loving someone stop hurting?
When does needing them stop aching?
When does knowing they will never want you stop making you cry?
When does love stop sucking?
When does them calling you "love" not make you cry?
When does the pain go away?
When do you heal?
When does fighting for them stop making you hated?
When does it stop?
It never stops
It never ends
It never gets better
It never does
It always does
You never will
You'll always be hated
It is love it's so strong it makes you hate them
It makes you hate yourself
You love them
You need them
But you can't have them
So you hate yourself
You blame yourself
Marpsy
Close your eyes
Do you feel it
This pain that all you can do is fight
You'll never win
I know I'm in Hell right now
I hate me
I want me dead
But there is something I live for
I'm never sure if I should give up
Or keep fighting
I don't know wether to run
Or just surrender
Pain
Agony
Hate
Words I know the meaning of intimately
Words I understand better than anyone
Tell me you understand
I don't believe you
Marpsy
Lately my mood seems to be excessively down. Mostly cuz one minute I'll feel like all is right with the world and the next I'll be depressed. I NEED A FLIPPING HUMAN TEDDYBEAR FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
So riding
well all and all it was enjoyable
Unfortunately two people got somewhat injured. First was me. I got to ride Sonya (the horse) first... but um not before getting my left foot stepped on. Later I got slammed into a tree branch bigger than me o.o and still later I had my right foot stepped on. Well that's what horses do.
Naomi got injured worse. First off the horse slid and fell into a tree causing Naomi to get slammed into said tree. Later on she let the horse run and got thrown into barbed wire fence. (OUCH) Mike the resident "nurse" declared that one of her cuts might need stiches. Poor Naomi that had to hurt. If you want to show your sympathy drop a line to my mother [Nafycen Tekalcey]
EXCITED!!!!
I'm going to Elitches Saturday instead of putting up with my cousins whom I love but really can't take in large doses. Woot. My Aunt Noel called and said it's fine if I change plans on her. Again Woot.
something that warmed my heart to no end
Sara: YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME AND GOING TO LHS!!! I WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU JUST BECAUSE I FUCKING CAN! Plus you are on newspaper staff next year, and I need your writing ability, and i need you there for me!!!! THATS RIGHT THE WORLD DOES REVOLVE AROUND ME! so there...I am not letting you go!!!
SCREW EVERYONE ELSE! WHEN DID YOU EVER START CARING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THOUGHT!?!? NEVER! Be yourself and never change for anyone. If they can't handle you at your worst then they sure as hell dont deserve you at your best.
DON'T RUN AWAY! REVENGE IS MORE YOUR STYLE! DONT LET THEM WIN
If you read this, even if we don't speak often... post a comment with a memory of you and I. It can be anything, good or bad. When your finished post this paragraph in your diary and you'll be surprised at what people remember of you.
Betrayal. Cold betrayal. I thought of all people you would understand how much it hurts to be betrayed by those closest to you. Apparently not. You took what I said and twisted it into something else entirely. The pain of it is killing me inch by inch because I trusted you more than a lot of people and you threw that trust in my face and used me like a plaything. All I ever asked of you was that you not betray me and what did you do? You betrayed me the same as everyone else always does. I give and I give and I give. I bleed and I sweat and I cry. And in the end none of it ever matters because the people who I thought were protecting my back are really betraying me. If I've learned one thing it's not to turst anyone. Ever.
Nicknames I'd rather I didn't have
little little -wtf? why the hell would you call someone little little
Sharebear- Do I look like a carebear to you honestly?
Sherbert- idk just annoying
I'm causing pain to all the things I care about and it's just hurting and hurting and hurting and I can't bear it anymore
Question: Are my friends trying to kill me?
Answer: Quite possibly
TO MY FRIENDS
I apologize now I'm leaving. I'm switching schools so that I can't hurt the people I love anymore