The one I love I hate but the sex is great...*laughes and shakes head* you know who he is or you don't but you should all know that feeling...you hate them but you can't help but be attracted to them...want them...Oh trust me if you don't know this feeling you're one lucky bitch. You can't stand them you hate them but you can't stay away you love them. I once heard it said the more they hate each other the more likely church bells are in their future...Oh I wish I knew why he got under my skin so easily. Sorry too much time to think I'll leave you humans alone now

http://www.hottopic.com/hottopic/Apparel/IntimateApparel/Black-Monochromatic-Ruffle-Bustier-And-Thong-Set-174847.jsp
I want
http://www.seduction-lingerie.co.uk/black-lace-gothic-corset-dress-set-sizes-6-26-4354-p.asp
http://www.spencersonline.com/product/tickle-me-thong-blk-pnk/
http://fuckthemainstream.com/product.php?pid=2135

For those of you who have noticed my down mood since saturday...I'm done trying to get along with this one guy...There was hope but he always blows me off and tells me little lies I'm so tired of it I could cry. He used to be a good guy. You know came over when I was sick

You'll never know
You'll never know I fought to keep from crying
Cuz you said you didn't know if you loved me anymore
You'll never know that the one in my nightmares
The one I'm afraid is going to get hurt is you
You'll never know how much I care
Because you're set on killing yourself
You'll never know how much it tears me apart
To see you do this
You'll never know why I don't smile anymore
When you're around me
You'll never know why I don't tackle you
And scream I love you
You'll never know why when you say you're somewhere
I come even though I really don't want to be there
You'll never know I try so hard
To hide the pain
You'll never know I cried
When I found out I wasn't the only one
You'll never know how much I hate her
Because she could have you all to herself
And I never could
You'll never know why i never argue with you
Because I know you'll be mad
You'll never know why I don't do the things I said I would
Because I want you to trust me
You'll never know why I never tell you no
When you ask me to do something I don't want to
You'll never know
I love you.

Marpsy

So according to dream interpreter

1) Either I'm in danger and I don't know it
2) or someone around me is so deranged "fucked in the head" that they're a danger to me

I keep having that dream. I think I'm going to go insane. My head hurts from lack of sleep and from pain. I can't see straight. I'm always dizzy and best of all i'm barely able to eat...I forget to eat until 3 or 4 most days...and then don't really eat dinner...I don't know what's wrong anymore

lately I've been dreaming that I wake up in a hospital bed the sheets smell of antiseptic and blood and my body is covered in cuts...on my left hand is carved the word slut and on the right tramp from my collar bone to just before my genital is carved Whore... on my back is carved Bitch...It hurts...I'm close to dying and I'm scared whoever or whatever did this to me is there I can feel it. I'm not scared for me but John. John's there and I'm afraid that whatever did this to me is going to hurt him...

Help! I need a dream interpreter!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuKegmEyv-A
you'll know what I mean when you here this song
Also Love the Way you lie Eminem ft Rhianna.
You of all people should know why. You lied. You lied and you watched me burn. Too bad I found my feet and realized before you destroyed me completely. I'm no child. I'm not immature. I'm not a b...itch. I'm the girl who fights for those she loves. I'm the girl who would willingly get between a bullet and a stranger because she'd rather protect them than be to blame. Guess you didn't know or maybe didn't care

I know I'm nothing
I know I don't deserve you
You won't listen
Until I show the teeth I left sheathed
Then you realize
I'm hurting myself
I'm breaking my heart
I'm pushing you away
You just won't listen
You cling tighter as if your life depends on it
I push harder
Trying to get free
You still cling
Finally unthinking I lash out
Lash out at you
Lying to you
Telling you things I know will hurt
Driving you away
You'll never know
YOu'll think I lied when I said
I cared for you
But the truth is I'm lying now
I'm trying to break you
Of coming back to me
Never the less
You don't realize it at first
You think I'm lying
That I'm really just hiding
Truth is I'm breaking myself to help you get free

Marpsy

THis is the conversation my ex and I had last night. I know I'm a bitch I know I hurt her and I know all I'll do is hurt her more every time


Midnight:no you reading my mind
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:20:02 AM): ahh not my fault
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:20:17 AM): oh then whose?
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:20:24 AM): ummm mommies?
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:20:37 AM): >.<
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:21:37 AM): btw
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:21:54 AM): mm?
Midnight(8/31/2010 1:22:36 AM): A song made me think of posting it to my facebook
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:22:44 AM): oh?
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:23:04 AM): look up every rose has it's thorn by poison
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:23:34 AM): y
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:23:44 AM): just please do it
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:24:12 AM): fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine
Midnight(8/31/2010 1:26:06 AM): thank you
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:26:25 AM): I'm so gonna sl you if this is what I think it is
Midnight(8/31/2010 1:26:33 AM): sl?
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:26:42 AM): sl?
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:27:06 AM): you said sl
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:27:18 AM): slap you
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:27:31 AM): you're dead
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:28:06 AM): I was more thinking along the lines of the beautiful things have their ugly sid
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:28:11 AM): *side
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:28:18 AM): damn straight we do
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:28:44 AM): You know what Sharon?
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:29:06 AM): other than the fact that I'm the biggest bitch you'll ever know?
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:29:30 AM): no, the fact that I love you still and I keep trying
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:29:52 AM): Biggest bitch you'll ever know don't get too close I might bite something off
Midnight(8/31/2010 1:30:05 AM): the line "I tried not to hurt you, though I tried" reminded me what I did
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:30:28 AM): Don't worry you were in love with a whore
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:31:18 AM): NO I WAS IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE THAT SAW THROUGH EVERYTHING THAT WAS WRONG ABOUT ME AND LOVED ME ANYWAY
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:31:58 AM): Yes and you failed to see so many things abou her. Believe it or not I accepted who I am.
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:32:49 AM): I'm trying, do you know how hard it is to see past the regrets?!
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:33:27 AM): Do you know how hard it is to forgive yourself when it finally dawns on you just who the fuck you really are?
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:33:48 AM): *looks away* you're not a whore
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:34:05 AM): *snorts* Really? do you prefer the phrase slut?
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:34:33 AM): You're not that either
Midnight(8/31/2010 1:35:25 AM): You're just like me, misunderstood by others
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:36:21 AM): *snorts* did you know [****] was still with [****]? and [*****]? I sure as fuck did. Worse I've slept around I'm a slut and I know it. I don't give a fuck anymore it's who I am it's who I always was no use in pretending
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:37:46 AM): when I was thinking about the guys I wished I could date, who was it that I was still thinking about when I went to sleep every night? and woke up thinking about, and was bragging about at work?
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:38:05 AM): The slut.
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:39:19 AM): no, Tora, the one I wanted to live out my life with, the beautiful, inspiring spirit, the tiger that forever had my heart, the one that helped me out of the ditch that my depression got me in
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:40:41 AM): And the one who tumbled straight into that ditch and can't find one god damn good reason to crawl out of it for the thirteth time in her life. Who would rather stay there than get hurt again. The one who has fucked guys just because she wanted to knowing full good and well they had gf's yeah that girl?
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:42:06 AM): You know something. I fucked [****]. After everything that went down I went back to him. And back to [****] god only knows how many times
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:42:13 AM): NO, the girl that I met in partners mentoring youth, the one that always made me laugh when I was having a bad day, the one that I was AND always supporting, even before the engagement
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:42:57 AM): The girl who would do anything for her friend but wouldn't think twice about hurting herself if not for them?
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:44:12 AM): The girl that always there to brighten my day
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:44:29 AM): the one that held me that night I cried cause of us getting kicked out
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:44:45 AM): The one who didn't give a shit that we'd been kicked out?
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:44:56 AM): The one who could care less?
Midnight(8/31/2010 1:46:13 AM): the one that was worried about me that day I went to the hospital cause she was afraid she'd never hold the one she loves again
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:46:58 AM): And is now so broken because everyone she cares about is out of reach so is desperately clinging to someone who will inevitably break her heart cuz they always do
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:47:22 AM): What do you mean
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:48:03 AM): Inevitably [****] is going to shatter my heart into a million tiny pieces because tht's what guys do
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:48:17 AM): Tora....
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:48:32 AM): Actually that's what people do they hurt each otehr
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:48:40 AM): I'm never out of reach,
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:49:43 AM): You are. I"m too far away for anyone to help anymore unless they're willing to enter this darkness which nobody ever escapes from. You never could Midnight... I loved you but you never could get me to tell you everything
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:50:20 AM): yet.. I told you everything unless I knew it was going to hurt you
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:50:37 AM): just like what I want to tell you but I'm afraid to lose you
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:50:39 AM): How much did I hide from you because it would have killed you to know
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:50:59 AM): Like what
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:51:53 AM): That no matter what you did no matter how much I smiled I knew without a shadow of a doubt we weren't going to last after your lone wolf comment that one night. I hid it from myself and pretended I was wrong
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:52:40 AM): I wasn't in the right state of mind
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:53:20 AM): you were. You just didn't know it. Or when I was slipping away how close I actually came one night to killing myself. I never told you I smiled and pretended everything was okay
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:54:09 AM): when was that lone wolf comment?
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:54:42 AM): We'd been fighting because you were refusing to put aside your selfishness and help [*****] not just yourself
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:54:55 AM): And no that wasn't the night it was before then
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:55:48 AM): well it started before then the night I actually was within a hairs breadth of killing myself was let's see shortly after [****] and I broke up
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:56:26 AM): I felt so used and useless and tired that I had the knife in hand and was holding it to my chest...then you rolled over
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:58:21 AM): do you remember what I was going to do given that chance after that fucking pedophile did to you?
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 1:59:03 AM): *snorts* what fucking pedophile? [****]? [****] was just an example of the type of man I was attracted to
Midnight (8/31/2010 1:59:38 AM): *trying to hold back the anger*
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:00:05 AM): and what about me? was I just a fucking tool? to get back at those whom did you wrong?!
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 2:01:09 AM): No you were the kind of person I wish I could have had but you were far too good for me. I realize that now. I was fooling myself that I could ever be your soul mate I'm too unclean too tattered and worn too used
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:01:37 AM): GOD DAMN IT TORA
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 2:01:53 AM): You're getting angry because you know it's true
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:02:03 AM): you know why I was reluctent to come up here?
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:02:08 AM): or do you remember
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 2:02:37 AM): because you knew that it'd be the end of us. You just thought it'd kill me I knew I'd pick myself up and go on soulless
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:03:18 AM): No, cause I was afraid of losing you, and you know what?
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:03:29 AM): I now know that I should've stayed
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 2:03:47 AM): No you would have lost me eventually we both know that
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:04:12 AM): I didn't want to lose you
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 2:05:33 AM): you didn't want to but you dd
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:05:55 AM): Just like I lost my soul I guess
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 2:06:27 AM): you still have that. I'm the soulless one now if you excuse me I'd like to sleep sometime before next august
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:06:53 AM): No I don't cause I lost it when I hurt you,
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:07:11 AM): THAT'S why I want you back, cause I gave you my heart and sould,
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:07:13 AM): *soul
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 2:07:14 AM): How can you hurt me any worse than I hurt myself.
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 2:07:34 AM): Remember I'm dead have been since 8 years ago
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:07:39 AM): cause I put the fracture in your hear
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:07:41 AM): t
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:08:04 AM): No, remember what HE said to you
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:08:06 AM): to us
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 2:08:11 AM): It was already torn in half
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 2:08:19 AM): HE never said a word
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:08:33 AM): THEN WHAT WAS THE WHOLE "He likes you?"
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 2:08:56 AM): Just cuz he doesn't say anything doesn't mean he doesn't make himself clear
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:09:19 AM): oh then what the fuck did he say?
Midnight (8/31/2010 2:09:27 AM): or what did he want cleared
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 2:09:37 AM): He just smiled and nodded a lot when you were around'
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 2:09:43 AM): NOW I"M GOING TO BED!
torayashakage2008 (8/31/2010 2:09:58 AM): before [*****] gets up and lets the damn dogs out

I need to vent
Don't like it stop reading now



Now then. I'm just not having a good week. Between financial aid bureaucratic nightmare and the general idiocy of my life I am at the point of a nervous breakdown either going on a screaming bitchy spree or simply curling up and crying. People who are currently causing my greif include my beloved mother (whose head will hopefully explode soon) my ex (two of them actually) and my technical current. That and it's been a bad week for emotionally painful memories. There's a lot I don't care to explain but I need some help what the FUCK am I going to do?

The on again off again thing has got to stop but god I love him. We're back together again. For the fourth time. He makes me feel so very safe even though I know better and when I saw him everything that had been making my life teh suck vanished.

I <3 Scott Pilgrim vs The World so many lines you just had to see to understand. I have officially decided that it was so awesome. Kickass Labyrinth, and Scott Pilgrim have earned special places in my heart. Don't want to ruin the movie but I <3 the seven evil exs. On a side note I realized technically I have six evil exs. Ah well loved the movie it was sweeter than it looked

I may end up in a mental hospital. I've been shaking non stop for about an hour fighting my emotions. I can't control it

Good Enough


I'll never be good enough
I'll never be smart enough
I'll never be pretty enough
I'll always be the ugly one
I'll always be the dumb one
I'll always be the last one
I'll never be good enough
To be the only one
I'll never be smart enough
To go anywhere with my dreams
I'll never be pretty enough
To be treasured by anyone
I'll always be the ugly one
That everyone looks down on and uses
I'll always be the dumb one
That believes every lie
I'll always be the last one
Anyone wants
I'll never be talented enough
I'll never be rich enough
I'll never be loving enough
I'll always be the bitchy one
I'll always be the poor one
I'll always be the second best one
I'll never be talented enough
To go anywhere with my dreams
I'll never be rich enough
To go to a good college
I'll never be loving enough
To take all the pain
I'll always be the bitchy one
From all the pain
I'll always be the poor one
Left to bleed on the side of the road
I'll always be the second best
Because I'm never good enough

Marpsy

So I just found out one of the very few guys I've dated that I'm still friends with is bi...I'm both shocked and amused...he's such a sweet guy I and he reminded me of my asexual uncle Ben that I assumed...I donno what to think...

Something I wrote

There's blood everywhere
No matter how hard you try
Everything has gone red and black
Red of pain
Red of blood
Red of anger
Black of hate
Black of broken dreams
Black of death
Once you promised to heal me
But it was you who destroyed me
You're the reason I'm bleeding
Don't tell me you didn't mean it
What's done is done
Even broken I can stand
Even bleeding I can fight
Don't you dare try and stop me
After all you've done
The least you can do is stay out of my way
"Run!"
"Don't be an idiot!"
You scream but I can't hear you
Remember the way I lived
Is the way I'll die
My life has been filled with red and black
Filled with pain, with blood, with anger
With hate, with broken dreams, with death
I'll die covered in blood
Now listen to me
Leave, save yourself
Get out of here while you still can
I'm not asking for your sake
You'll only hinder me if you stay
Call it misplaced nobility
But I intend to die like I lived
You look back and whisper
"Come back alive"
We both know that isn't possible
As I step forward baring my fangs
I let out a silent prayer for your safety
And chuckle at the irony
I always said I'd die young
Suddenly you're beside me
All bristling fur and claws
I hiss at you
But spring for the throat of the creature
You swipe uselessly for its chest
Somehow I know I have to save you
That means releasing the monster within me
I hear behind me those I must protect at all costs
Never mind your safety I have to risk it
I leap backward and pull off my restraints
I feel the sleeping beast within me roar
The fire within my belly
The wings at my back
The keening bloodlust and feline claws
The monster wihin me
Not human but we already knew I'm not
Not vampire, lycan, nor dragon
But a hybrid of the three
Hungry for the blood that's everywhere
Both you and the creature are bleeding
And its scent is maddening
I spring for it's throat
This time it goes down
And I feed upon it
I can't stop it now
The creature lays dead at my feet
And my sanity returns
I replace my restraints
You stare at me
Fear in your eyes
"Now do you see?"
"I'm monster like no other"
I say hanging my head
My sisters, mother and brother
Stand behind and beside me
My dragon sister puts a hand on my shouler
"She protects us and is bound to us"
says my vampire brother
"I offered to protect you"
I say replacing the gloves that hide
My binding runes
"I am bound permanently to those I fight for"
"I am restrained by my humanity"
"You've seen the monster within me"
"Can you accept me now?"
You shiver in fear
You clearly can't accept what I am
You won't be the first
As you flee I wonder
When I'll die like I've lived

Marpsy

Well good news...one puppy out of the litter made it...bad news...15 didn't.
Said puppy was adopted tonight...

Well there's good news and there's bad
Good news the five candles remain. Bad news we're not out of the woods yet

4 more puppies have passed my heart is bleeding for them
I light 5 candles this night to pray for these last ones. If they don't make it that at least they do not suffer

7 Puppies have passed
Princess, Einstein, Lady, Pebbles, Mogalie, and two unnamed have passed
This night I light a candle to the 9 who are still among the living. Pray for them