Coward, run away
Don't mind the blood on your hands
It's not your fault you can't face your fears
It's not your fault you can't do anything but run

I am the fear in your veins
I am the hate that makes you cold
I am the bloody sin you left behind
I am that which you can't run from

You keep apologizing, trying to repair the damage
You keep lighting bridges on fire
Unable to hold unto the hand
That reaches out to help you from your darkness

I am the fear in your veins
I am the hate that makes you cold
I am the bloody sin you left behind
I am that which you can't run from

Her eyes are so cold and dark
Yet still she risks being plunged into Hell
You don't realize she's been a lot deeper
You're not dragging her down, she's holding you up

I am the fear in your veins
I am the hate that makes you cold
I am the bloody sin you left behind
I am that which you can't run from

You leave behind a terrifying bloody sin
Yet that very bloody sin seeks to heal you
Even at the cost of it's own sanity
Even at the cost of her own soul

You are the fear in my veins
You are the hate that makes me cold
You are the bloody sin I left behind
You are that which I can't run from.

Marpsy

Cold ice fills my veins
Part of me is too numb to feel pain
And part of me is absolutely furious
Rage mixed with sorrow and agony

Numb, filled with ice
Furious, too angry to even speak
In Agony from the bullshit you put me through

I should be screaming with rage
But I'm far too numb to feel the anger
Agony drives me to the edge of sanity
Sorrow nearly pushes me over

Numb, filled with ice
Furious, too angry to even speak
In Agony from the bullshit you put me through

I'm confused, this makes no sense to me
This numb feeling refuses to allow me
To scream, to cry, or even ask why
It's cold like ice filling my veins

Numb, filled with ice
Furious, too angry to even speak
In Agony from the bullshit you put me through

That fury is frozen beneath a layer of ice
Such rage brews within it even you should know
I'm going to snarl and punch you in the face
But the love I still feel holds back

Numb, filled with ice
Furious, too angry to even speak
In Agony from the bullshit you put me through

The pain is from the love I feel unrequited as usual
Angry that yet again even in a small way
I've been lied to by yet another
Numb from the shock at being shoved deeper
You're going to regret this someday
I'm so furious at being just a fling, again.

Marpsy

Alright fine I'll be blunt the man I love broke up with me for no fucking reason I'm bleeding struggling to live day to day and really don't care anymore. Add to that the seasonal darkness and well we'll see if this Bitch makes it to New Years

Fuck love. That is all.

It needs said. I've heard a lot of people say "you're too old for stuffed animals" to me so many times it makes me crankier than usual. Why is it that suddenly you turn eighteen and you're too old for comfort and security. I'll say this I have a teddy bear that I sleep with every night. His name is Doubt and he is a better friend than anyone else could be. Why? because he doesn't care who I am he takes the good with the bad the cranky with the loving. I'm sorry but since when did we as a society decide stuffed animals are only for little kids? My grandmother collected stuffed bears but I never once saw her touch them. As a kid that made me so sad for all those bears just sitting there day after day. At night I sleep with four stuffed animals. Okay so a stuffed animal is no replacement for a person but if I hadn't had Corey Jr in the hospital I think I would have spent all night awake unable to sleep because I was in a weird place by myself. Arthin Jr gaurds my dreams from nightmares and yes was a gift from Arthin himself. I also sleep with a giant stuffed lion that I've had since I was ten. I'm twenty now and I can't imagine a night without my beloved lion. I also collect stuffed animals but I love each and every one. I have Marpsy the stuffed tiger that I made in honor of the person who nicknamed me Marpsy. I have Salem my black cat. Valentine my stuffed white lion that I got for myself for Valentines day. I've given stuffed animals to my sister but some of mine I will never give up and why the fuck should I? Just because I'm an adult automatically means I have to give up my childhood? Where does it say that so I can deck the idiot who wrote it. It's not fair and I say fuck you

Okay that it IT! Guys listen the fuck up because for once I'm not going to nice to anyone. Look guys stop being whiny emo bitches. I'm not talking to solely emos I mean seriously I'm tired of males doing one stupid bullshit thing getting called on it and curling up in a ball all emo cuz oh my fucking god you forgot to tell me to grab my wallet or you didn't call your gf right at x time. It's pathetic and just makes me want to punch you. Also those of you with gf's WE WANT FUCKING ATTENTION! I should not have to dress like a whore to get some attention from you. And if plans fucking change tell me when they change not a week later when we get pissed and yell. Now for the females I know. STOP BEING A BUNCH OF WHINY EMO WHORES! I mean c'mon now you do not need to dress like a slut just to get his attention if you do dump his ass and find someone who will pay attention to you. Or suck it up and deal with it barbie I don't fucking care which. If he doesn't call don't curl up in a ball and be emo tell him off. Am I the last of my kind here? BE YOURSELF but if being yourself is a whiny emo bitch then maybe you need therapy. I'm sick and tired of talking to people who are upset about something fucking stupid. I understand being lonely that's acceptable to be a little sad about but not to the point no one fucking wants to talk to you because you're that fucking depressed. Also threatening to shoot someone over your period is not acceptable nor is it acceptable to purpose after less than two months I don't give a fuck who you are. A year minimum or you can assume you're joking thank you.

And yes this is a massive generalization but it's not necessarily untrue

*grabs soapbox and steps up on it* It needs said I didn't want to do I did't want to be the bitch but it needs said. Rping is an art. I'm sick of those god modders and impossible mutts. Stick to one fucking thing with weaknesses.

Example sorry if this insults anyone. All of the blood bar characters are god mods. Okay maybe not ALL but let's see there was the Fire Incarana several goddesses....Sin.... The incarnation of nothingness etc. I mean fuck I started out just as bad I had a character that was a horrible Mary Sue affair she was a shifter demon vampire cross. Now in my old age I'm going what the fuck was I thinking. I look at newbs and go shut up sit down and pay attention. Also if you're not creative enough to come up with something new like I don't know NOT INUYASHA sorry Yasha I had to. then don't rp, it's so much simpler and makes you look so much better. Also I'm sorry to everyone that this applys to but if you have the same chracter in six different disparate discconnected wikis you need to come up with something new. I have 24 or more characters almost all of them from the same wiki but several for different wikis. I didn't want to get on this soap box but I had to. Look your character can be the ultimate badass without being a god or incarnation or what have you. Weaknesses make character believable. Take for example Hercules, he had a weakness...love. Now I'm not saying your character should be a half god with a singular weakness Hercules is a little flat. Examples from my own characters, because my incarna became too powerful I made a story up to explain her being replaced and retired her bringing in her daughter who while she's a badass has a lot of flaws and weaknesses. Come on people we are not trying to write our own Bella Swanson or Edward Cullen. We are rping a creative exercise that becomes so much less enjoyable when morons try mary sue chracters and god mods

Rant TIME! Anyways I'm off on a rare form rant. This one is a page straight out of my life. Drama


I hate TDI which is what I refer to high school as. Many people don't understand the most simple of all basic concepts. After high school there is no need to be drama. Honestly I'm sick and tired of my old friend group I went college grew up and now avoid TDI but my friends didn't graduate another flaw in them but a slightly more acceptable one. Once they graduated they failed to realize it is now time to be an adult. At least once a day I receive a text discussing why so and so is a bitch. Honestly I've stopped giving a damn. I mean I understand it's a tentative time but c'mon it's been six months pull your heads out of your asses and grow the fuck up. I mean it's one thing to get pissy because your friend doesn't have a wide open schedule and spends her spare time with her boyfriend who will come to her rather than you who won't but it's entirely another to threaten to shoot someone over your period. Nobody give a damn. Stop it. Furthermore if you choose family over friends fine but don't get upset that they don't understand. And on the other side maybe if you weren't dating a guy who was packing heat I'd have more sympathy. Nevertheless it's really not important anymore

Rant time Number 3 (yes I'm turning my diary into my personal soapbox slash bulletin board bite me)
The last two episodes I've discussed book series that were turned into movies now I'm moving on to a slightly more important topic. Yeah a lot of you are not going to like what I have to say but fuck it.Today I'd like to talk about holidays. Spefically in America. My British friends can tune out now if they want to

I hate Thanksgiving. Pure, blunt and simple. To me it represents the worst of all American ideals. I mean if you want to go the first thanksgiving Indians and Pilgrims route it might possibly be stretched to be a holiday about freedom but as I've said it's a stretch. I'm with Wednesday Adams (yes of Adams Family sue me) in her veiws. It's more about Gluttony and Rape. Because let's face it we destroyed the Native Americans culture, raped their land and their women at times, and of course tried very much to kill them. Plus there's whole stuffing our faces thing. I mean honestly folks don't you hate yourself just a little after Thanksgiving? Now I'll admit I have other slightly less sane reasons for my pure hatred of this holiday but those are simple why I don't celebrate it. Now unto the next major holiday. That's right I'm taking aim at Christmas. I personally love this holiday to a certain extent. I love getting gifts and I love giving them. Many of friends are receiving hand drawn pieces of my work but taking a more objective and less greedy point of veiw wow are we selfish. Christmas is supposedly (Christian roots aside I'm being nice and not going there) about giving and the spirit of family. I'm sory since when is spending several hundred dollars on your family the spirit of giving? How much did you spend on that toys for tots thing? Nothing? You have money? SHAME. Now I'll admit I don't like family, a lot I even hate but this year I'm suffering through Christmas with my family because it's not about me it's about them. I can't really say much about New Years. It's not really a holiday it's more of a yearly event than anything else. However I along with many others HATE Valentines Day. Now a lot of my reasons similiar Thanksgiving are crazy and unreasonable however let's go to the most basic reason. Those who are single feel like they are failing as people if they do not have someone. It also serves to point out how very lonely you really are. Me, personally I've nothing but bad luck on this particular holiday but I will say this. For a celebration of love it seems awfully selfish. I mean one love should celebrated year round and not shoved down people's mother fucking throats. Two why do we buy candy stuffed animals etc for this particular holiday? On to Easter. I do not know why we as Americans who are all for religious freedom insist upon making a CHRISTIAN holdiday a major holiday I kind understand Christmas. Hannukah and Ramadan fall around the same time and New Years as well. But really Easter is again about Gluttony pure and simple. Now unto my least favorite holiday and I can say whatever the fuck I want. I'm Fourth of July baby and yes the holiday celebrates our freedom but what the fuck is with this habit of blowing shit up and ignoring others. As a holiday baby I am forced to make excuses for people who really don't deserve them. Honestly and I'm talking to those of you who have a relative born on a holiday if going to ignore us on our birthday just don't talk to us. It's fucking stupid how many members of my family DON"T know my birthday it's a national fucking holiday you get the mother fucking day off. I speak for me and several others who have Christmas, Valentines Day Easter Halloween etc as our birthday. I like Halloween sorry that's all I got to say

Heh it's Rant time!

Anyhow last episode I discussed the popular book/movie series Twilight and I figured in the spirit of fairness and equality I'd discuss that beloved series Harry Potter. First let me make this clear my opinions are entirely biased and my own I make no excuses or apologies. Now unto the fun part

Harry Potter is the story of a boy in England many stupid American forget this minor but very important fact I mean since fucking when are there real castles in America? I want one! *ahem* Anyways up until the fifth book Ms. Rowling actually had a beautiful well written story I give her kudos. Then she started killing more and more characters I mean was it really fucking necessary to kill Dobby and Hedwig ya bitch? Anyhow her series suffered from the unfortunate fact that she believed that all of her readers were growing up with Harry. WRONG! I myself did so yes I matured as the series went but not all of us did. Now unto the final straw because it's what really pissed many of us loyal readers off. WHAT THE FUCK WAS UP WITH KILLING HALF THE FUCKING CHARACTERS!? Grand total in the last book she killed Hedwig, Dobby, One of the Twins, Tonk and Lupin (bitch move there) and countless others. Okay Neville finally discovers he has a spine whoopty freaking Doo that doesn't excuse the half assed writing in the book. Yeah Ron's always jealous of Harry OF COURSE he is but did she really have to make Ron a prick in the last book. I mean yeah Harry's being an ass he always is he's a fucking teenager and tell me being famous wouldn't have turned you into an ass at that age I dare you. Nonetheless then to make matters worse she KILLS Harry. Okay that's one way to do it but WHAT THE FUCK WAS WITH THE RESURRECTING HIM?! God damnit woman if you can do that to Harry why the fuck not for the others? Grrr pisses me off. Finally I don't know how many of you brave souls that managed to finish the books read the epilogue but if that was written by Rowling boy was it ever a mistake. The story was OVER. O.V.E.R . Now unto the movies I've actually seen which would be the first three and the last of the eight. Yes I say eight. I give the studio some credit their characters match the actors well. Well with a few exceptions *cough cough* Neville *cough* Now clearly the fame went to most of the younger actors heads *cough cough* Emma Watson *cough* but I will give them they did what they had to just it wasn't good some things should never be made a movie. However I will say this what happened to Harry being broody and emo he's more of an ass in the movies than the books Ron is a jackass and Hermione isn't a know it all at all. No notes for Draco he's a slimy coward. Sigh

Twilight Rant if you're going to be offended...get the fuck over it

Twilight being the current popular movie must be addressed. First It sucks. End of story. But The reasoning behind this is quite simple. Edward the main vampire is a sparkly whiny emo bitch. On top of that he is a creeper. Unlike Buffy's Angel who makes his fears he does not have a soul seem important and reasonable Edward makes his seem like yet another whiny emofest. To top that off there is Jacob the depending on the book you read werewolf skinwalker thing. Two things he's a pedofile and he's just as whiny and emo as Edward. In fact if you put the two together you'd get one emo tastic male. Not that I'm saying being emo is bad but c'mon people there is a limit to emoness. And there's the whole creepy facination with Bella's daughter. And then there's Bella. The Mary Sue of Twilight. She's so average and so unappealing that every male in the book without some female leash wants her. Excuse me? Is that dumb or what? Now let's address some of the more interesting fails of the books. Don't get me started on the movies you won't like what I have to say. Anyways there's the fact that what exactly Jacob is changes from Twilight to Breaking Dawn. I'm sorry but that is fail. Additionally I don't care if your vampires are Daywalkers but why the hell do they sparkle? Please please tell me? Cuz really it seems like one more way to make them stupid. Additionally, vampires are dead. Not a little cute half dead possibly dead whatever. No they're dead so Bella being alive and Edward being dead brings up two questions one I think we all wanted to ask. How the fuck did Edward get it up in the first place? Two How does a dead thing sire a child? Anyone? Anyone at all? No. Good. Let me break this down for you. Edward being dead can't get hard in the first place and his sperm has been dead for YEARS so Bella either screwed the pooch, or Stephanie Meyer is a moron. I'm willing to take either answer. However this also brings about the movie. I know I said I wasn't going there but I have to. First Robert Pattison has played two important roles that I know of. I'm sure he has played others. One as Cedric Digory who gets killed and two as Edward. He does so much as Edward but he is not attractive. In any way shape or form. I have some respect for Taylor Lautner because he is well an actor. He manages to be sexy despite being in Twilight. And then there's the chick who plays Bella. I will say this. Average sure. Attractive. No. Anyhow the movies don't exactly fallow the books but they too suffer from the really syndrom. I mean Edward looks like someone threw glitter on him. I thought it wasn't possible to make Twilight stupider I was mistaken. From the previews of Breaking Dawn Part 1 it has not only gotten more emo and whiny but also suffers from the piss poor dialoge of the books. Now I will point out I'm old school. Dracula was an excellent book. A little dry but good. It actually drew off the myths of vampires. Interview With A Vampire was interesting intense and never gave me the feeling I was reading a bad soap opera. While Buffy was yes a bad soap opera it still managed to be more realistic than Twilight. Albeit the vampires aren't eerily attractive all the time they are blood drinker and dead something I think Stephanie misses. Also there is a game many of you probably haven't heard of it. If you have you're my hero. The game is called Vampire the Masquerade. I'll also accept Vampire the Requiem althought I hate the system. Anyhow Vampire the Masquerade accepts that perhaps vampires aren't cookie cutter dupilcates. One of the few things Stephanie actually got right. However vampire are dead. None of them can go in the sun. Also none of them sparkle like a damn disco ball. Additionally I have read the Sookie Stackhouse series and they got some things interestingly wrong. However here's something Stephanie got so wrong it need pointed out. WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH VAMPIRES BEING VENOMOUS THEY"RE NOT SNAKES! Ahem sorry but I found myself wanting to burn the books. Fortunately or un they weren't mine.

I'm thinking I'm going to be absent from fake for a little while clear my head so if you need me in the next couple of days I will be giving certain people my cell number

Announcements for all former players of Wolves of Hell Clubhouse

I"VE GOT EVERYTHING UNDER FUCKING CONTROL!

White Wolves of Hell Officially opens today. Feel free to add your names to the membership list your former rank what have you, please be respectful of others

Okay, here's the deal I went to the hospital yesterday having an allergic reaction to a sulfa med. They kept me over night sent me today. Additionally I have a low white blood cell count which they think is PART of my drug reaction but they still want to make sure.

Announcement for all former players of Wolves of Hell Clubhouse

Yay my friend [shadowstarwolf] is okay

Why is it people think I'm joking when I say something? It could be as simple as I'll be your friend or as important as I'd sacrifice my beating heart for you

Why is it people think I'm joking when I say something? It could be as simple as I'll be your friend or as important as I'd sacrifice my beating heart for you

Just cuz I said I'll be there forever doesn't mean I won't smack you upside the head when you piss me off
Just cuz I said forever doesn't mean I'm your punching bag
Just cuz I said forever doesn't mean you'll like what I have to say
Just cuz I said forever doesn't mean I'm above bitching you out
Just cuz I said forever doesn't mean I'm going to be nice all the time
I'm human and I'm proud of it. When I say I'll be there forever I mean I'll defend and protect you but that doesn't mean I'm always going to be your friend. Don't get the two confused

I created the Sound of Madness.
Wrote the book on pain.
Somehow I'm still here,
To explain,
That the darkest hour never comes in the night.
You can sleep with a gun.
When you gonna wake up and fight... for yourself?

I'm so sick of this tombstone mentality,
If there's an afterlife,
Then it'll set you free.
But I'm not gonna part the seas
You're a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You think that crying to me,
Looking so sorry that I'm gonna believe,
You've been infected by a social disease.
Well, then take your medicine.

Sound of Madness, Shinedown

I used to care. I used to give a damn, but now I'm just filled with a certain level of rage. I'm tired of chasing family and friends who could give less of a fuck if I stopped breathing. Enough is enough. My wedding party is going to be filled out with FAMILY people who have stood by me since I was young and not strangers I haven't seen in upwards of five years. Additionally I have officially decided to stop trying so fucking hard to stay in contact with my bio dad and certian other people that just don't care