*sighs* he read the diary entry i had to tell hiom cause if he stumbled on it he would have gotten madder then hell. he deleted his account info why i dont know why.I need to remember that im here and those girls are in the computer they are miles away and im here with him he bought me a bus ticket to get me to be with him and then he and i bought what we needed to go to Va and to get him to meet my family and got my mooved to Oklahom he was the one that drove all the way from Va to Ok with hardly any sleep.i was always told to pay attention to what a guy does for you not what he says. scott loves me a great deal if hes done this much for me.i know he loves me but i wish my paranoia would go away i want to be with him and me being paranoid isnt makeing things better i been with him for a year and when we fight he always threatens to make me leave and go back home but then he ways says "no i dont want you to go home i want you to stay i love you" we stay alot of things when we are mad but lets be honest im tired of haveing the fact he could kick me out dangeling over my head.Hes the only guy thats shown me love with out saying it hes the only guy thats given me tough love that i neede and its help alot hes the ONLY man thats cried in font of me the only man thats ever provided for me and treat me like his wife it feel good i wish i knew why im still paranoid does my mind think "its too good to be true" i know this is real and he wont leave me for anyone i just wish i could belive the good things he and others say about me. i dunno i want to trust him and i hate this paranoia i fear if him doing what other guys done to me cheat on me and call girls and shit like that but hes not like that he has had possesion of one of his female freinds pics of her tits. and almost cybered with another friend and he apologized for it i shouldnt really care but i do ill find away to deal witht his i wish i could just disappear cause im sick of my paranoia

I actually saw my fiance's profile and at the very bottom its read any legal female that is in to showing themselves and has a web cam please messege me for my msn and yahoo address.....it hurt i feel like im not enough for him i feel like we are drifting away im afraid hes going to add these girls and talk to them and be friend them and call them and cyber them and or have fone sex with them and then ill be left alone to myself wanting to love him physically but ending up him being spent from cybering or from sex...i feel ugly and unwanted i feel second best i feel like a stupid ugly disgusting fat ass Bitch. i never do nothing right im repulsive i feel alone i feel sick to my stomache and i want to vomit the ice cream i ate im fat i wish i could beat the fat out of me i wish i had the nerve to cut myself in the places that would end all this. i wish i died those few years back.i simply cant stand the fact that another girl may see him and his body and him see another girls body it upsets me to no boundries. it make me want to purge my food and my organs and turn me in to a pile of nothingness.my mind inside is screaming and tears its hair out and beating on itself this si what my mind is doing to me.yes im a very jealous person and i HATE other women for reason i keep to myself i just find women to be sneaky and backstabbin and whores thus i hate myself cause i am a woman i love my gender for the good things but i hate the emotional shit that comes with it i hate women for being bitches and going after what is not theirs. im afraid of dark edge seeing another woman and talking to her and feeling the feelings of second guessing his choice of being with me seeing soemthing better than me out there and wanting that girl and not me haveing him make love to me and thinking of that other girl and or imagining her while hes with me...im so depressed and on the verge of tears i want to let him do this to show him i trust him i do but i fear alot of things i will keep this in mind as a test for me.i might cry for the next few weeks at night but yeah...im not gonna let myself have sex with him to test myself to see what happeneds to see if he wants me for me and not for other reasosn and to see if i want him for him and not those other reasons either.i love him so much i dont want to lose him maybe when my monthly is long gone i wont feel like this anymore i just dont want to loose him