ok i know i havent been on its because i been focusing on things ive neglected like getting my math ged and getting the balls to get a driver's permit and to change myself.as you all know typing in my diary helps and getting responses from you all helps too.i been living with my parents for about a month now...and i been depressed for a month reasons are my fiance is now my ex and i love him so dearly ad wish hope and pray we work things out i hope im not his friend forever o.o right now we are.....*cringes*friends......im dealing with it theres nothing i can do if i push him he back tracks hes like a mule you push him forwards her reverses over top of you.but still it hurts i wish i could understand his perposal but from what my heart tells me is if he wants me back then he wants to work things out...cause i know if he doesnt want somthing he wouldnt mention it if he didnt want to work things out he wouldnt call or even talk to me.i need to kill some of my love for him for i know if i see him again im going to want to kiss him or fuck him one O.O since we are friends and i really dont want to get hurt with that title or get hurt at all i need to dull it so i dont get all "scott i love you i want you i want to be with you i want to stay with you" yadda yadda yadda i tend to have a problem in shutting up when i get a strong emotion that i like...like....love.back to the part where i said "is he doesnt want me back he wouldnt talk to me" a part of me is saying "well he might just want to talk to you as a friend thats what friends do..."butafter all the shit i put his hard headed ass through why would he even bother with a a measly freindship if he didnt think it would grow in to somthig more....then again hes been thinking ad acting strangeso who the hell knows .i been told by my family and few friends i do have in Virgina that i changed like the fourth of july a fight broke out between 2 girls and 2 guys...usually i would jump in and stop them from fucking up my friend's party but i just avoided it when i came back in the house and saw nadien needed help stopping them (they fought for a half an hour)i got the hose and sprayed them since they were close to the pool's edge i knocked them in i said"your guests and you should act like it so you need to check your feelings at the door before you got here" and i walked off nadien thought i was going to make it worse but she said i handled it like and adult *shrugs*i beg to differ but it was good entertainment at the same time...girls shouldnt wear dresses or skirts to a 4th of july party lol i will leave that to your imagination ^_^but yeah my mom and dad notice it too im changing for myself ad i hope the person that instigated sees im changing too im trying i cant change in a blink of an eye that much is true and im not this bad ass i made myself out to be and i need to learn to give ppl their space and not avoid them and i recently learned the value of money....
and i have a debt to pay my bank here and the one in oklahoma and scott and my parents.i plan on buying my 20 guage back from him he bought it for me and sice we arent together i feel its right i buy it from him or trade my 9mm to him ad ay for the differance for the 20 but i dont know im not even there.how the heck am i going to pay for a lace and work ad go to school too....he did say he was going to let me stay at the house and go to school and my part time job was going to be for food or things i needed i dont kow i dot know whats to come theres so many futures playing i my head ad theres only 2 or 1 layig in my head that i know if i do what im supposed to do things will fall in place and everyone will be happy.(sorry for the misspellings and no caps and all the crap...my mothers lap top keys are not working right and i have little time to type anything.)

im so tired and so scared....I want him back....but I know I have to wait and let him sort things out for hisself ......I hope he tries with me one more time....I know I can change...mom saw Friday night when I was with my friend spending the night and that was the same night I stoped her bf from beating on her I got a little bit of a busted lip and a sore eye I tought it was bruised.but anways My mom saw the grown up me .....un till she when on with a speach “its not fair to you that he goes out and have a good time” I wanted him to go before we furthered the relationship I wanted him to have fun ya know a final bash before we talked about marriage but of corse mom is paranoid and made me get paranoid and I got freaked out by my friend’s bf fighting me.
I need to vent im tired of crying I wish I can sleep in my bed last night the guest room was leaking and by my head I was ok but I wasn’t ok with the bugs in the bed I got bug bites on me >< ....but ill be ok I hope scott sees the change im going through my hope is that he doesnt send me to va and we work this out together we both invested a lot of time in the relationship and I hate for it to be just thrown away....mom think my me lack of eating and the sickness im going through is a false pregnancy or something I think its stress but when I get my money in the bank im going to get a pragnancy test just to get a piece of mind and to shut mom up.
I know I need to grow up wether or not im in scotts life but I know if I get one more just one more chance things will be better and differant for the best .I been praying lately last time I prayed over scott and I we got back together and it was great.....im so scared.....the most adult thing to do is not spend so much time on here and gets things done around the house keep myself busy and leave scott alone give him time to think but I will ask only questions I need to know like today I need to do more laundry and get the pile of clothes down and put clothes away and ill study alone the best I can.and I will try and eat something the past few days I am barely eating the thought and smell and sight of food makes me sick...my nerves are makeing me sick......I need a multi vitamin to keep my body working ....so far its just a mess and if I have to go to the bathroom at work jim and tammy beat on the walls and door so I cant relax and “do” my buissness...well I best get ready for hell ...I mean work O.O....bye guys and pray for me please .

these are the things a dom and or dominatrix and or mistresses or masters DO NOT DO!

The following acts are excluded, and are NOT negotiable:

  *

   Any type of barbarism
  *

   Scatology
  *

   Blood
  *

   Extreme pain

The following acts are optional and require the slave's written agreement:

  *

   Piercing
  *

   Tattoo
  *

   Iron marks
and flat out abuse of any kind because a appy and well treated and taken care of slave is a good and happy slave give them a reason t be obidient...unless they are special cases...any questions ask me

"To the Nice Guys"

To every guy that regrets hurting or losing her.

To every guy who knows which girl he wants.

To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."

To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful." (instead of Damn ur hot!)

To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town (or across the state) to see her.

To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.

To every guy who has given her flowers just because.

To every guy that said he would die for her.

To every guy that really would.

To every guy that did what she wanted to do.

To every guy that cried in front of her.

To every guy that she cried in front of.

To every guy that holds hands with her.

To every guy that kisses her with meaning.

To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.

To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.

To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.

To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.

To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes.

To every guy that would give his seat up.

To every guy that just wants to cuddle.

To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.

To every guy who told his secrets to her.

To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.

To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.

To every guy that believed in her dreams.

To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.

To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.

To every guy that walked her to her car.

To every guy that wasn't just trying to get laid.

To every guy that gave his heart.

To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.

Not many girls appreciate nice guys anymore... And because of this, there are not many left out there...

If you are a nice guy repost this with "Nice guys finish last."

[If you are a girl that thinks every guy should try to acomplish even a few of these repost this with: "To the nice guys left"]