I want to be happy again
I haven't been happy in such a long time
And I'm going to stop looking in the wrong places

And also, would like to start bybthanking those that
Understand
Sympathize
And forget


:)

Late new years resolutions:
Accept the impossible
Develop myself
Revert back to my forgotten, natural roots in order to find myself

I think I should just give up on this fake malarky, I thought if would be a nice bit of escapism tom life, but I guess nothings easy >.<

another head hangs lowly,
child is slowly taken.
and the violence causes silence,
who are we mistaken?

but you see, it's not met, it's not my family,
in your head, in your head they are fighting.
with their tanks and their bombs
and their bombs and their guns,
in your head, in your head they are crying...

the circus has fallen... down on its knees
big top is crumbling down
it's raining in baltimore... fifteen miles east
where you shoul be, noone's around

i keep forgetting which biscuits are hash and which are regular rum n raisin

i was wondering why i felt so good, i forgot i was out of the regular ones >.<

starting work for another club tonigt, DJing
wish me luck
gonna convert all the Chavs in Oceana to something vaguely resembling something 'Alternative' xD

what can I say? I can't even write straight

This is Pigwidgeon. He's my 2inch beast ;)

an even older one, feb 10th 2007... posted at 5am :P


Well last night was fucking fantastic.

Aimed on getting plastered as I didn't have work today. I did not fail.

Trouble was, we couldn't get a taxi to come up to Amy's as she lives on top of 'the hill'

so I started walking up to her house in the snow, I'd braced myself before by swigging a couple of mouthfuls of absinthe :)

I got to Graiglwydd shops, about half-way there and Amy called me (I had my sexy Poddington Peas ring tone) saying that she and Flea had got in a taxi and would pick me up en route. I waled to the end of Willys street and waited. 5 minutes later I range amy - no answer. 5 minutes after that I got an answer. their taxi was stuck in the snow :/ so I went to willy's and waited. I drank half a bottle of wine and the taxi arrived. the ladies looked lush by the way.

In the Potters wheel we met up will Amy's pretty ladies. we sat down with some kopparberg pear :P and chillaxed. then he came up to me. Kyle - remember him? (I wrote on him the week before - apprently he bore no grudge) I asked Flea how she knew him, and she said that he used to be obsessed with her - understandable. she asked how I knew him and I said we'd fucked a little while back - she found it amusing :P

I met stefany's sister Amy, who had found herself a pissed married man in his late 30s/early 40s. he was nice. too nice. a bit clingy, but I told the girls to work it. they did, and I remember at one point going to the cash machine with him, leah and laura and he drew out £100. he kept buying us drinks and giving us money. lovely man, wonder what his wife did to him when he got home.

on to Faceoff. by this time I'd gotten a bit merry :) I'd had 3 kopparbergs and some double vodkas. I mix drinks well :)

when I got in to Face/Off, I got off with somebody (I have no idea who, or what gender) and the second time I did it, I got some acid of some sort off their tongue. It weren't bad, kinda tangeriney. and I didn't trip out as bad as I thought I would.

I could tell I was a bit drunk/high whatever because I started drinking alco-pops. I always do when I'm a tad wasted. all those E numbers are good for me, especially orange.

Kyle was there and we got off for a while on the podium. he went then came back and made me piss myself laughing when he said "will you go with my mate?" what was this - kiddy Time? anyways I just sat there and a guy came up to me and said "Kyle said I could kiss you" and I did.

It did get a bit childish with the 3-way kissings, and there was one 4 way (new to me) between kyle, laura, amy and myself. I think everybody got off with everybody. DJ Ben looked a bit bemused lol.

I needed to sit down for a bit so I sat on the podium and Kyles friend came up and sat with me. The fool got himself hard and was trying his best to hide it. Kyle came over and put my hand there. he weren't very big :/ Kyles is bigger. wow I sound like a 13 year olf girl. oh well.

My lady 'G' came with her cronies - it was anette's b-day and we all had a great time. I love dancing and rarely stopped. I can't believe I'm still fat :/

I had such a great night with Fleanne, Laura (the big dyko :P), *ahem* Leah, SteFany, and the rest - sorry if I didn't mention you - I don't know/can't remember many names.

oooh Iison Taylor was out last night - I haven't seen him in ages. didn't expect him to be at Face/Off. out of all of the chavs/twats at school, he was one of the ring leader kinda blokes, but he's always been nice to me :) even gave me a kiss last night.

got in at about 4:10am - well worth it.

Well Amy wants me to "hurry the fuck up" so I'm off :P



choodles xx

I may see you out next week my dears :) ...or tonight @ SKINT

I stumbled across my old blogs from a couple of years ago

look how sad I was:

April 4th 2007
what I wrote today in work whilst bored.


So this was a bulletin. It's now a blog. I'm writing this on some paper at work because Neath is so dead you wouldn't believe it. So far I have made 50p in the first hour.

Well what shall I write about?

I feel a bit mentally full at the moment. I sort of have a cold. It's not quite a full cold now but I do feel congested and I have a cough. It'll go shortly. I hope it's gone by tomorrow actually, as I'm meeting up with the prettyful Karl.

I had to cancel our date on Monday due to my cold which I felt really bad about.

He made me feel special the other day and made me blush by telling me why he liked me. Any guy that manages to do that can have me for the night. I am also won over by gig tickets and hand-made thingies for your information.

Having Karl in my life right now is good for me, I need someone right now to keep my mind off Richie. I really do still love him and there's not much I can do to help that.

It may sound like I'm using Karl, but I'm not, I really like him too, and he understands how I feel – he's felt it too. Perhaps that's how we may just work.

I really fucked it up with Richie. The week before we broke up was really strenuous for me and I was in a foul mood. I apologise to anyone I may have hurt at that time, especially him.

When I first got around to knowing Karl, I met Dann, and it was sort of a choice I had to make between the two of them. Now, both of them actually know Richie and have liked him at some point. Dann even asked him out just before I did but Richie turned him down. Oh well.

I chose Dann for a silly reason – he lived closer (in comparison to Karl who lives in Neath). Dann also works with my best mate Amy (who's now going out with my lesbian Claire – Amy and I were high-school sweethearts for just over 2 years and we'll be soul mates for life.)

Reading this back it sounds somewhat like a TV show, I assure you it's not.

Choosing Dann was silly as we weren't compatible at all. We're not really each other's types. He's also a neat-freak whereas I thrive in creative chaos. I'm Art, he's Science. I don't suppose it worked this time around. We ended on good terms though and we're still friends.

Going on what happened last night we're friends with benefits. I have too many of those now so I guess I should get rid of some of the older ones :P

Then there's Matt, speaking of friends with benefits. I'm not too sure what's going on with him. We got exceedingly close back in January, if you know what I mean and since then he's gained and lost a bf who I think is a bit of a ponse if you ask me but meh – I'm biased. One minute Matt's cold towards me and at other time's he's hot (if you'd excuse the pun). He's still in to David but he's being strung along. As long as he doesn't get hurt I'll be happy. I don't think I want anything more from Matt than I have so perhaps I'll just leave it at that.

I should really stop writing but I have nothing better to do. I guess I could stop, but Neath's Cancer Research UK is hardly booming with business. It ain't Swansea. I must say though they do get a lot more donations than us and generally of much better quality.

When I get home I want to drug myself up and have a nice night in to fully recover for Karl tomorrow.

I really apologise to Laura for missing her birthday meal but I'm really not feeling up to it, plus I don't want to pass my bug on to her.

I guess the talk of t'internet could bring me to tell you about my newest boy – ha!

I've been speaking to him for a while now, alas we've yet to have met as he lives on an island near Brighton [actually, I don't think he does =P]. Luckily, we're off to the Gay Capital in June/July for a long weekend and we'd muchly like any of you to come along if you'd like.

Alastair is so pretty =]

I have no idea why he said so but apparently I'm both 'hot' and 'cool'. I agree with the latter.

I just really connected with hi. I have no problem in calling myself weird, and I hope he doesn't take offence in me calling him weird too, perhaps that's how we get along so well. The reason this is a relatively new thing (as I said we'd known each other for a while) is because up until recently he's had a gf. I suppose inside we're just closeted homos.

That's a lie, because of course there's my lovely lady Miss Laura Daroch with whom I am conducting a most intimate affair.

Since I spent that night of passion with her she's left me lusting for more. Damn her. She makes me ooof. We met on a very good drunken night out and always kept that night close to our hearts.

I like drunken nights out, you never know who or what you're gonna do. Of course there's Kyle. Remember him? Turns out he used to be a little obsessed with Flea back in the day, and whenever I see him out now there's always the odd fondle or whatever. He is a very confused boy – but cute all the same.

There was that Canadian Reindeer in November… Don't ask.

Actually, I don't think I should be going in to any more detail about my recent, er, conquests. Some of them are still technically "straight" and it's not in my nature to "out" people without their consent. I had it done to me – not fun.

I think you've had enough of my rambling now and I shall type this up as soon as I get home – word for word.

As a special prize for reading my drizzle, I shall post the original copy of this, um, blog? to the first person to message me with their address.

Because um yeah, I love mail.

Lots of Love

Spl.Ash

Xx

p.s. you'll get an extra special message too ;)

rawr =]

well i've finally done it
gone over to the dark side

dear, dear diary,
i wann tell a secret...



but which one?



want to know a secret?

it's like my body is trying to fuck me up
i've become nocturnal recently
literally sleeping through daylight

and my heart is all over the place
it's broken from danny
numb and without feeing
all bar a slight, no, major ache for my past love, richie

and to add to that
it's trying to compensate its pain
by thrusting me towards someone else
rather stupidly too
seeing as it'll never be, even if we did live close

aaargh
i need smophie :'(

my last post makes me sound sick.

i probably am

i've had a bad couple of months
my first christma s away from home was lonely
it was lonely because i moved away from my family
in order to be with somebody that i loved
and a little while before our 2nd xmas together, he left me for somebody else
and i'd like to think i've handled it pretty well.

when i told my mum, she broke down and cried
when i asked her why, she said it was because she knew that i thrived on making other people happy, and all of the time i was with him, i neglected my own needs in order to satisfy his, and where he had taken something from the relationship, gained a lot, i was left with nothing, mentally and emotionally.

i think she's right, i'll admit i gave my all to him, but i dont know any other way to be. and the saddest thing is, i'm getting really upset that i dont have anyone else at the moment to do everything for, to cook and clean for, to understand when he goes awry, to comfort when he's upset. to be on call physically, mentally and emotionally 24/7 .

i got myself an albino frog today to add to my menagerie

my zoo and I are so hardcore.

need naming suggestions
s/he is rather petite,
and of course, very white.

spankin!
NME have asked me to interview Gogol Bordello when they come to club =]

question: should I wear purple?

this diary is about glenndoline kennedy.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm a fool

you just lost the game. boooshaaa