Well Im home from the hospital lucky me. They did a biopsy but I dont know what it shows yet. The doc says my bladder is friable. in human talk it looks like still bleeding ground hamberger. so in there for two days now im home with a foley cathiter (tube attactched to a bag that drains my bladder so I dont have to cath all the time. kinda like an out of the body bladder, cept i still have mine) Im basically my own nurse. I keep track of my meds I clean and drain the cathiter and bag, and I irragate myself, (I push water into my bladder with a big turkey baster syrenge looking thing, and pull the water back out pulling the blood clots with it) That keeps my fluid moving, If i didnt get rid of the clots It would back up my system and Id have to go to the er.

FYI: I took out in my last irragation about 60ccs of clotted blood from my bladder.

Hopefully the bleeding will stop so I can remove the cathiter. Its rediculous my doctors are like, "Well you know how to do it so you dont need to come in to have us do it for you, saves you gas and a doc payment" pricks.

Oh forgot to tell you, becareful of iv narcotics, they gave me too much when i came out of the general anestesia screaming, and it ended up stopping my breathing, I wasnt completely awake but i remember feeling the tube go down my throat and them pushing air into my lungs with the bag thing. My jaw still hurts from that. If someone hadnt noticed I would have been dead pretty quick. I just keep wondering if it was worth all this shit. time will tell I guess.

hey look at that *looks down at the bag* the blood is clearing up. Might be able to go out with the family this weekend after all..

Its 12:15, Im acctually worried about this surgery and what its going to show, on one hand they could find nothing, which wouldnt do me any good, and Id stay this way or keep getting worse with no idea why.
  If they find something it could range from a blood clot to a cancerous tumor. If its cancer What in the world will I do? Dad had cancer, still does infact. Yeah Im resiliant to giving up, but for how long? how long before heart no longer comes into the equation? How long before I lose myself In the battle to keep my life? I dont usually worry about anything, and outside closed doors, no one knows im worried. If i showed fear, the foundations im trying to take confort in would fall. What then? No Because of them I hide my fears, I keep them strong, and because of that I have a very limited amout of people I can turn to for my streght. How long before I lose that support? How long before it becomes too much for even them to handle? *sighs* I will only know when it happens I guess. In the long run even tho he doesnt know about me Im assuming, Jeff is a source of stregth for me. I just have to keep drawing on that as much as possible to make it though this. No he has never had what I do, But he has had his own challenges to face and his own epic wars to win. I guess even us mortals have to face our demons eventually too. Just goes to show you, Nothing is above fate.

Ugh just what i needed, A big fucking spider to crawl along the wall. Things huge, Atleast quarter sized, dont mind me while I find something to kill it. Where are all the non spider fearing people when I need them?! *sighs* lovely I think Im going upstaires on that note. Go watch jeffs DvD or something... Night everyone, I pray you never have to go through anything like this..

    Everything is just so stressful right now. Im falling behind in school due to all the doctors, hospitals and tests, I have to work my ass off just to keep my head afloat of my last five weeks in Niskayuna High school, class of '08. My teachers understand but that doesnt stop me from thinking, why waste their time? I have to remind myself daily that its worth the pain to keep going. 
    And then theres josh, *sighs softly* A beautiful day together I Hope to repeat as often as possible forever if I can. You have been so great to me and for me, all I want to do is curl back up in your arms and forget the rest of the world. Of course I cant say this directly to you cause im just that freakin spastic but heh, whats a girl to do? I feel safe and secure in your arms whether it be my heart playing tricks on me, or fate bringing you to me, time will only tell. I just know I never want to see that feeling end. We felt right. I know everyone that meets you comments on your beautiful blue wolf eyes, but im not here to tell you how beautiful your eyes are, or how easily I get lost in them. Im here to tell you, I see nothing fearful or false in them. I see nothing I should run or hide from. when I looked in your eyes I felt like I was home. You wanted to know why I liked you, why I love you, Thats why. I turn around and your there to support me, even through this surgery your still there, you have no idea how much that means to me. Not many would stick with a girl like me with all the problems Ive had, then have this added to her plate. It so hard for me to voice my opinion or my thoughts but now I have. If they let me Ill still have your ring around my thoat tommarrow, Fates willing They will find whats wrong reverse it, and end this torture, but untill then this continues another day. I dont know when ill be back but I can promise I will be back. I love you dear, My heart, my mate. What do you have to say?