Anyone up for Portal?

Sing along while you watch the movie!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B68qYtFzmgY&feature=related

STILL ALIVE by Aperture Science

This was a triumph
I'm making a note here:
HUGE SUCCESS
It's hard to overstate
My satisfaction
Aperture Science
We do what we must
Because we can
For the good of all of us
Except the ones who are dead
But there's no sense crying
Over every mistake
You just keep on trying
Till you run out of cake
And the Science gets done
And you make a neat gun
For the people who are
Still alive

I'm not even angry
I'm being so sincere right now
Even though you broke my heart
And killed me
And tore me to pieces
And threw every piece into a fire
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data
Make a beautiful line
And we're out of beta
We're releasing on time
So I'm glad I got burned
Think of all the things we learned
For the people who are
Still alive

Go 'head and leave me
I think I prefer to stay inside
Maybe you'll find someone else
To help you
Maybe Black Mesa...
THAT WAS A JOKE, HA HA, FAT CHANCE
Anyway this cake is great
It's so delicious and moist
Look at me still talking when there's science to do
When I look out there
It makes me glad I'm not you
I've experiments to run
There is research to be done
On the people who are
Still alive

And believe me I am still alive
I'm doing science and I'm still alive
I feel fantastic and I'm still alive
While your dying I'll be still alive
And when your dead I will be still alive
Still alive
Still alive

(Blue by The Birthday Massacre)

Plastic blue
Invitations in my room
I've been waiting here for you
Reservations made for two

Sunlight fading
Black tongues speak faster than the car can crash
You supply the rumours
And I'll provide the wrath

Romance is breaking every heart in two
Casting shadows in the pale shade of blue

Plastic blue
Conversations in my room
Saving every tear for you
Trusting every word untrue

Twilight fading
Fate changes faster than the death of light
You supply the envy
And I'll provide the spite

Reflections cutting every face in two
Casting shadows in the pale shade of blue

• Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.


• There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
• There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

• Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.
• The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.

• Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• Chuck Norris is my Homeboy.
• Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
• Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. (New!)
• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
• Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
• Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
• Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.
• If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
• Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
• CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
• Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
• Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
• A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
• Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
• Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre.
• If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
• Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.
• The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
• Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
• Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
• Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.
• Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
• In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
• Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"
• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
• Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
• The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
• According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.
• Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
• Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
• When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
• There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
• Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
• Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
• Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
• When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
 
• Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
 
• Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
 
• There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
 
• When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
 
• Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
 
• A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
 
• When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
 
• Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
 
• Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
 
• How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
 
• Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
 
• In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
 
• Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
 
• If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
 
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
 
• The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
 
• A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
 
• Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
 
• Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
 
• When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
 
• While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
 
• Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
 
• When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
 
• When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
• Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
 
• Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
 
• For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
 
• Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
 
• When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
 
• Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
 
• When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
 
• Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
 
• On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
 
• Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
 
• Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
 
• In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
 
• Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
 
• Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
 
• Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
 
• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
 
• Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
 
• If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
 
• Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
 
• Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
 
• Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
 
• The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
 
• It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
 
• You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
 
• Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
 
• The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
 
• There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
 
• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
 
• When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
 
• Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
 
• James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
 
• Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
 
• Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
 
• Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
 
• It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

• Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

• Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

• Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

• Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

• When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

• Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

• A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

• Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

• There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

• Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

• Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

• Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

• Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

• Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

• Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

• Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

• Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

• Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

• The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

• Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

• If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

• Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

• The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

• Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

• The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

• Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

• Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

• The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

• Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

• Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

• There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

• A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

• It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

• Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

• Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

• Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

• Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

• Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

• The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

• Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

• Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

• Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

• Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

• Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

• Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

• 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

• Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

• When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

• According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

• Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

• In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

• Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

• When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

• Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
• Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

• If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

• If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

• Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

• Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

• MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

• Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

• What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.

• Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

• The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

• There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

• Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

• The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

• Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

• The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

• Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

• Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

• When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

• On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

• Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

• Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

• Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

• Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

• It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

• Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

• It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

• Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

• That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

• Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

• Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

• Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

• Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

• As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

• Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

• Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

• Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

• Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

• It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

• Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

• Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

• Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

• When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

• Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

• "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

• Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

• Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

• Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.

• Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

• When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.

• Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

• Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

• Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

• Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
• Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

• If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

• In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

• Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

• Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

• Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

• The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

• Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

• Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

• Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

• The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

• For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

• Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

• Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

• Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

• Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

• Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

• How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

• The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

• When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

• If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

• Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

• Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

• Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

• The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

• Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".

• The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

• Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

• Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

• He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

• The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

• The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

• Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.

• Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

• Chuck Norris can taste lies.

• Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

• One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

• Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

• In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

• Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

• They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.

• Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

• Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

• 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

• Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

• The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

• Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

• With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

• The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

• chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

• To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

• There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

• If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

• 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.

• Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

• The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.

• Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
•  
• Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.
 
• MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.
 
• Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.
 
• Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
 
• The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.
 
• Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
 
• It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.
 
• Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
 
• Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
 
• Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.
 
• When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
 
• Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.
 
• 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
 
• Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
 
• All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
 
• If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.
 
• July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.
 
• Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
 
• In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"
 
• Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
 
• If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
 
• In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.
 
• The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
 
• Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
 
• When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
 
• Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.
 
• Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
 
• Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
 
• As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
 
• Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
 
• Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".
 
• There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.
 
• President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.
 
• Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
 
• Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
 
• Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
 
• Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
 
• Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.
 
• The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
 
• Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.
 
• A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.
 
• Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
 
• Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.
 
• Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
 
• Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
 
• When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.
 
• Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.
 
• Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
 
• There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.
 
• A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
 
• Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.
 
• In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.
 
• Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
 
• Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.
 
• For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
 
• In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
 
• We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

• The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

• Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

• The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

• Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

• Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

• Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

• Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

• When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

• Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

• If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

• Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

• Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

• A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

• Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

• They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

• Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

• "Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

• Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

• After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

• Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

• When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

• There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

• Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

• The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

• Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

• Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

• Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

• The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

• Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

• Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

• Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

• For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

• The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.

• Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

• Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.

• TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

• After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

• Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

• "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

• Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

• Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

• When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

• Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

• In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

• They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

• There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

• One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

• Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

• Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

• Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

• The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.

• Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

• The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.

• Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

• Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

• The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

• When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

• Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

• Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

• Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

• The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

• Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

• Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

• Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

• Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

• They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."

• A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

• Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.

• In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

• Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

• "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

• Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

• Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

• In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

• Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

• When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

• Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".

• Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

• Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

• Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

• Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

• Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

• Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

• Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

• Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

• Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

• For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

• Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

• Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.

• Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

• Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

• For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

• There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

• During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

• Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

• Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

• Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

• Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

• Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.

• The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

• Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

• Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.

• Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

• Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

• Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

• Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.

• If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

• Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

• He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.

• Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.

• Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

• Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

• Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.
• Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

• Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

• "One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"

• People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

• Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.

• When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

• Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.

• Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

• Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

• Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.

• Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.

• People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris

• Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.

• Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

• Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.

• Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.

• Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.

• In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.

• Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.

• Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris

• Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

• Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

• Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.

• The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away

• Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.

• There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

• Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

• There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.

• Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

• Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

• On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000

• The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris

• When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame

• Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.

• When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one

• You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris

• No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

• Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''

• On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.

• Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

• Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

• Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

• Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

• Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!

• Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.

• Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

• Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

• The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.

• The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.

• The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.

• When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.

• In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

• When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

• The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.

• Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.

• Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

• When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.

• Chuck Norris invented the question mark.

• Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

• Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

• Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

• Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

• If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare

• Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

• Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

• The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

• Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

• Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

• Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

• Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

• Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.

• When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.

• Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.

• Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.

How to give a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.Curious cat picture

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

I don't feel a thing
and I stopped remembering
The days are just like moments turned to hours

Mother Used to say
if you want, you'll find a way
Bet mother never danced through fire shower

Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
I walk in the rain, in the rain
Is it right or is it wrong
and is it here that I belong

I don't hear a sound
Silent faces in the ground
The quiet screams, but I refuse to listen

If there is a hell
I'm sure this is how it smells
Wish this were a dream, but no, it isn't

Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
I walk in the rain, in the rain
Am I right or am I wrong
and is it here that I belong

Walk in the rain, in the rain, in the rain
I walk in the rain, in the rain
Why do I feel so alone
For some reason I think of home


No, this is NOT an emo poem I wrote. This is the song 'Rain' from Cowboy Bebop, from the episode Fallen Angels (Awesome episode AND show!)...Loved the tune and found the lyrics, but had nowhere to put them...so I put them here!

It's true

Too true...Join the true 'l337' speakers.

Strange days a transitional place
I think it's time that you remember
cut off your ears tear out your eyes
some things are gone forever

Let's start by destroying the world you know
take away all the things that you control
all the words that you can't understand
they've made me what you think i am

trying to move things with our minds
in an attempt to travel back in time
to take away all the pain we've seen
to strip our minds and destroy our dreams

life medicates the tears we cry
made of materials that blind our eyes
fall unconscious in an altered state
focus hard before its to late

lunatic craze the end of our days
some things are better left unsaid
delete the truth and what it means to you
create your own inside your head

let's end by ignoring the world we know
embrace all the things we cant control
all the lies that I'll never understand
make me hate what you think i am

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared.
Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No it's not. Please it's too scary!

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: Fine I love you. Slow down!

Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.

Girl : *hugs him*

Guy: Can you take my helmet off and put it on yourself? It's bugging me.

Girl: Alright, now slow down

Guy: I love you babe


(in the paper the next day):
A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. Two people were on it, but only 1 had survived.
The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him and felt her hug one last time, then he had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die.

Okay this is a bit random, but it stems from the people in my area. Besides the wanna-be punk gangsters with no shame, another thing I see far too much is people trying to look and act like a 'cowboy' or a 'trucker' or some 'southern pride' idealist with the vocabulary of a failed abortion!

Seriously guys! GIVE IT UP! I see people with these gigantic four by four, seventy million horse power diesel trucks...On fucking paved streets! What good does all that power do? Here in Colorado, the weather fluctuates. True, we do occasionally get the bit of weather that allows for three feet of snow to pile onto our doorsteps....Does it last though? Of course not. These moron spends between forty and seventy thousand dollars on a truck that can pull a mountain out by it's roots...to do what? Pick up groceries? Please, that just screams over compensation.

Next, these guys with the tight denim pants, the plaid shirts, and the cowboy hats...Seriously, what is this? A dude ranch? For Christs sake, I live in a middle class suburb in a rural community which is in the center of a city (Loveland) that holds a hundred plus thousand people! What are they going to do? Drive cattle past the local Starbucks or something? And what is with the gigantic, seventeen pound belt buckles? I've seen some that are almost as big as my head, are as gaudy as christmas decorations, and look as if they were smelted out of a lump of molten steel!

Last, when I see these guys (the younger ones anyway) with aforementioned trucks (except older, beat to hell, and covered with mud), and on the back they have posted over their rear window a confederate flag as well as a bumper sticker that states, plainly, "The South Will Rise Again!"

.
.
.
.
.
.

Rise again? To do what, pray tell? Think about it fellas, you lost the Civil war. What would you do?

"YE-HAWWWW! Let's grab the guns and round us up a posse, we're goin' to da town square to protest black people gettin' paid!"

Sorry guys, the South doesn't have much to rise from. In my opinion, some of the stereotypes that got pasted onto you seems to have earned you a pretty bad reputation, and the guys I see walking around with their brand new camouflage boots with rhinestone studs, boasting how to they took out that ten pointer from forty yards with their daddies twelve gauge isn't helping us change our minds any...

So, wrapping this up, the South isn't going to rise again. Real cowboys dress nothing like the idiots I see strutting down my street. Belt buckles? Melt them down, form them into bullets, and shoot yourselves. It's stupid, you look like an idiot, your ruining our collective intelligence, your giving our country a bad rep, and everyone that isn't in your 'circle' is either snickering about your rhinestone boots or glowering at you as they feel their I.Q. melting away due to your over-powering stupidity.

Thank you, end rant...

Isn't this the truth?

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

(Imagine singing this traipsing little ditty in you head with morbid, maniacal grin on your face...kind of liek the Ginger Cat from Alice in Wonderland!)


Tick-Tock
goes the clock
Counting down the time

Counting off
the minutes left
Until we lose
Ourselves in Death

So rest in Peace
The worms will feast
Underneath the Hands of Time

http://www.pinkgodzillagames.com/pink_godzilla_news/pope_stuff_work_in_progress.php

Found this, raised an eyebrow, and started laughing hysterically. Why? Because I can relate to this....after all, I'm a gamer!

Gamers Make Pope Angry. You Wouldn't Like It When He's Angry.

A few weeks ago, Pope Benedict XVI hopped on the bandwagon of videogame haters. During a World Day of Communications address, His Holiness called the violence and sex in games "perverse" and "repulsive."

With the Pope now on our case, does this mean that all gamers are doomed to an eternity of hellfire, brimstone, and Superman 64? Today we explore a few ways to appease The Vatican while still enjoying our filthy, sinful pastime.

Some of you may be asking if this news is really that big of a deal. Just about every public figure and armchair moralist has condemned video games by now, what difference would it make if the Pope jumps on the pile? After all, the Pope is just one man (albeit with an excellent choice in hats). What does it matter if he says games are bad?

The answer lies in the Catholic Dogma of Papal Infallibility. That basically means that the Pope is never wrong, about anything, ever. When he says something, about anything, such as "2+2=5" or "Uwe Boll is a fantastic filmmaker" then that becomes law and you better fall in line or face the consequences.

So if the Pope is mad at you, is it really all that bad? So what if the Pope doesn't like videogames, it's not like he's going to come and take them from you, right? Unfortunately, history says otherwise. Much like Mr. Biggleworth, when the Pope gets upset, people die! The Crusades, the Inquisition, and Mark Ecko's Getting Up stand as examples of what happens when you cross the Pope. And while he might not have as big of a posse as he did back in the day, he's still pretty formidable.

So how can we continue to enjoy the hobby we all love without having to worry about the Pope and his crew getting all up in our business? PG's Eternal Damnation Avoidance Bureau have compiled a few surefire ways to take the heat off of gamers (and put it back onto the movie and music industries where it belongs).

Step 1: Watch your Character Alignment.

The first step to convincing the Pope that we're not all sociopathic, meglomaniacal murderers is to stop playing as sociopathic, meglomaniacal murderers in our games. In games like Fable and Knights of the Old Republic, you can choose to either play as a law abiding, altruistic do-gooder or a malicious cold-blooded criminal. Now most people will pick the evil character. It's not entirely their fault, the bad guys always have the cooler moves and better looking gear. If you were given supreme powers, would you rather cast dopey healing spells or call destruction from the heavens with arcane magic?

Unfortunately, playing the evil character, no matter how cool he is, will put you right on the Pope's naughty list. You have to resist the dark side and always play as the goody two-shoes (only Lawful Good characters for all you D&D players). This means always helping the simple villagers with any and all mundane fetch quests they foist on you. No stealing or lock-picking, no matter how many rupees or cool stat-boosting items you have to forgo. And most importantly, absolutely no wanton murder. Killing random NPCs for your own amusement may seem like a good idea at the time, but if the Pope catches you, it's curtains.

Of course, killing, stealing, and other assorted mayhem is perfectly acceptable if you're doing it in the service of good. Mario stomping Goombas left and right may seem like cruel genocide to the untrained eye, but he's really just doing it to save the princess and stop Bowser's evil machinations. So remember, if the Pope sees you engaging in some random acts of violence, be sure to tell him that you were just doing it to save the Mushroom Kingdom.


Step 2: Decoy Games.

Nobody is going to believe that you're not some sort of crazy murderer in training when your game library is filled with violent-sounding titles like "Warcraft", "Soul Reaver", "Revengers of Vengeance", and "White Men Can't Jump." What you need to do is hide all of those gruesome games and replace them with benign, cutesy sounding games like We Love Katamari, Hello Kitty's Magical Island Adventure, and A Boy and His Blob. It's very hard to accuse someone of being a psychopath when their shelves are stocked with the latest Spongebob Squarepants titles.

To score even more points with the Pope, head on down to your favorite local retro gaming shop and grab a copy of the unlicensed NES game Bible Adventures. Bible Adventures was a simple platforming game in which you performed tasks like fetching animals for Noah's ark or fishing baby Moses from out of the river. It isn't a terribly inspiring game, but it will certainly impress the Pope. There is no possible way the Pope and his goon squad could take away your precious games if you're sporting a copy of Bible Adventures.

Rare Game Alert!: If you're looking for both a way to get the Pope off of your back, and another rare game for your collection, be on the lookout for Super 3D Noah's Ark for the SNES. This game was an early model of a First Person Shooter that ran off of the Wolfenstein 3D engine. Instead of butchering Nazis, however, you were simply feeding hungry animals. This game is notable because it is one of the few unlicensed SNES games to ever see the light of day. (What is it with religious games and blatant licensing violations?).


Step 3: Go Old School.

If you really want to throw the Pope and his morality police off of your case, try not to play any games made after 1985.

pitfall.png

Back in the glory days of the Intellivision and Atari VCS, graphics were so primitive and game premises were so simplistic that it is often difficult to tell at first glance what you were really playing. You could be playing one of the hardcore pornographic games that the Atari 2600 was famous for, and it would look the same as if you were playing a harmless sports title. This was because technology was not very advanced back then. Most early games relied more on imagination (which, according to our scientists, was some sort of illicit drug that has thankfully been nearly eliminated) and plastic overlays for your TV, than any graphical prowess for storytelling. The next time the Pope comes snooping around your house, simply dust off the old Colecovision and throw in your copy of Zaxxon, he'll be so confused by the archaic technology that he probably won't even think you're playing a videogame.

Rare Game Alert! Part Two!: Speaking of naughty old Atari games, one of the most famous examples of the genre is Custer's Revenge for the 2600. In this game you star as the infamous General George Custer, as he attempts to do dirty, dirty things with a Native American girl. Although this wasn't the only X-Rated 2600 game, it is the most well-known. This might be because of its "storyline" or because it stars a somewhat famous historical figure. Either way, while we acknowledge the collectible value of this game, we suggest that if you must buy it, be sure to keep it someplace where the kids (and the Pope) won't see it.

Those are just a few of the PG tested, Pope approved ways to keep your games and avoid eternal damnation. However, if all else fails, you can always just do what everyone else did and simply repent. While we certainly don't condone violating Papal edicts, it's nice to know that there's a way out if you accidentally get caught playing Michael Jackson's Moonwalker.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn


Roughly? "In his house at R'lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming."


So remember kids,

  That is not dead which can eternal lie.
  And with strange æons even death may die

Because the secret priests will take great Cthulhu from His tomb to revive His subjects and resume His rule of earth....Then mankind would have become as the Great Old Ones; free and wild and beyond good and evil, with laws and morals thrown aside and all men shouting and killing and reveling in joy. Then the liberated Old Ones would teach them new ways to shout and kill and revel and enjoy themselves, and all the earth would flame with a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBKUnewvl8c


This song by Breaking Benjamin makes me cry every time I listen to it...And when I mean everytime? I mean...Every...fuckin'...time....

A small collection of the many internet acronyms we see....Any I missed? Send me it, along with it's 'translation' and I'll add it!

(NOTE: I do not want the little random things like IK for I know, and the like. If the acronym is used repeatedly, then I will put it in)


LOL- Laugh out loud

LMAO- Laughing My Ass Off

LQTM- Laughing Quietly to Myself

AFK- Away from Keyboard

BRB- Be Right Back

STFU- Shut the fuck up

LMFAO- Laughing my Fucking Ass off

ROFL- Rolling on Floor Laughing

LARP- Live Action Role-Play(er)

MMORPG- Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game

ROTFL- Rolling on the Floor Laughing

GTFO- Get the Fuck Out

MF- Mother-fucker

TMI- Too Much Information  <------I seem to hear this one a lot from people

FPS- First Person Shooter

W/E- Whatever

N/M- Nevermind

WTF- What the Fuck

WTFWJD- What the Fuck Would Jesus Do?

OMG- Oh My God(s)!

WOOT- We Own the Other Team

TTYL- Talk to You Later

TTMF- Ta-ta Mother fucker

IDK- I Don’t Know

B/F or G/F- Boyfriend or Girlfriend

MYOB- Mind Your Own Business

TCFPWASATOSMP- The Council For People Who Are Sick and Tired of Seeing More People

If you EVER say you are Goth, then you are proclaiming that this is who you are. It doesn't mean "I'm dark and morbid and write poetry that replicates my looks", but instead holds a different meaning entirely, and it may not be what you expect. Do your research, and know what you are saying...


The Goths (Gothic: Gutans) were East Germanic tribes who, in the 3rd and 4th centuries, harried the Roman Empire and later adopted Arianism (a form of Christianity). In the 5th and 6th centuries, divided as the Visigoths and the Ostrogoths, they established powerful successor-states of the Roman Empire in the Iberian peninsula and Italy, respectively.

The Visigoths were one of two main branches of the Goths, (the Ostrogoths being the other) during the fifth century. Together these tribes were among the Germanic peoples who disturbed the late Roman Empire during the Migration Period. A Visigothic force led by Alaric I sacked Rome in 410. Honorius granted the Visigoths Aquitania, where they defeated the Vandals and by 475 ruled most of the Iberian peninsula.

OR!!!

Gothic architecture is a style of architecture which flourished in Europe during the high and late medieval period. It evolved from Romanesque architecture and was succeeded by Renaissance architecture.

Originating in 12th-century France and lasting into the 16th century, Gothic architecture was known during the period as "the French Style" (Opus Francigenum), with the term Gothic first appearing during the latter part of the Renaissance as a stylistic insult. Its characteristic features include the pointed arch, the ribbed vault and the flying buttress.

OR!!!

Gothic is an extinct Germanic language that was spoken by the Goths. It is known primarily from Codex Argenteus, a 6th century copy of a 4th century Bible translation, and is the only East Germanic language with a sizeable corpus. All others, including Burgundian and Vandalic, are known, if at all, only from proper names that survived in historical accounts.



Thusly, if you say you are 'Goth', you are saying you are A.) Part of the Germanic people that invaded Rome, B.) Are a style of building, or C.) a dead language.


So, what are you?

Here's my rant for the month.



If discrimination is considered bad here on earth, then shouldn't it be considered bad in heaven? The answer is...


Yes. And everyone who disagrees will be pointing out that God is the root of discrimination and thusly not a diety worth worshipping anyway.

Point being, either you are wrong because the God in religion is wrong, or you are wrong because you yourself are discriminatory.

Either way, 'Being tender knows no gender'.

Okay, I need to speak up about something that has been bothering for some time yet.

What is with these wide-rimmed trucker-style hats, sporting the big, golden sticker or the smaller, less obvious silver sticker? Can anybody tell me what the purpose of the stickers are? Because for the past six months, every 'preppy cool' guy I've seen has this gigantically - disproportioned hat set at a jaunty angle upon their head, with a disturbingly noticeable smear of gold on the overly-large rim. Besides the hats looking absolutely retarded, they appear to serve no ACTUAL purpose! Hats were first developed to keep sun out of one's eyes; how does it achieve this when your hat is knocked askew and whipped to the side, or completely reversed to face the incorrect direction? I'll be honest with you people. It looks stupid. Glaringly, pathetically stupid. You look like a fool and your hat makes your head look fat. I even asked around about what the whole 'deal' was. The common response? "It's cool" or "It's a fad". First, it's not cool. It just shows how gullible and easy to please you really are, and how sick for attention you need to be to fall so low as to think a nauseatingly bright gold sticker can make you 'cool'. Two, fads do, and should, fade...hopefully quickly. Why? Because they are irrepressibly superfluous. They serve no purpose other than to bring a section of shame into one's generation, making us look back at our younger years and state, with shocked surprise "Dear God did I actually wear that?"


On another note, what is with the piercings everywhere and the 'gauging' of one's ears? I was walking through my work the other day and I nearly walked into a woman who had two studs through the bridge of her nose, a bull-style nose ring, a nose stud, three piercings through each eyebrow, three lip piercings (Left right and center on her bottom lip), two piercings on her upper lip, and below her lip, above her chin, were two gigantic fang-shaped piercings that hung past her chin. My assumption? To make her look either like a dog or a vampire. She failed at both, if that was what she was going for. Ah, and let's not forget about the fifteen piercings she had on each ear.


This is the norm for today's generation, correct? Wrong. This woman was in her late thirties, early forties, complete with wrinkles and too much make-up. I honestly wanted to ask her why she was dressed for Halloween so late in the year, but wanting to keep my job made me hold my tongue.

But this proves my point! Why do you want to pierce FORTY DIFFERENT PLACES on your body, when, as you grow older, you will either remove them and end up looking like a punctured volleyball, or keep them in and look like a complete retard? There simply is no basis for it, and 'cultural heritage' or some such excuse does not apply here. It's a fallacy, and you know it!

But this also applies to ear gauging. I understand that you want a bigger, cooler earring in your ear, I too had my ear gauged A LITTLE to fit in the one I wear now. The earring is three times the thickness of a needle. Difference? Not noticeable. But I've seen people that don't WEAR EARRINGS! They simply put in these curious little wheel-shaped objects that keep their earlobe open. I guess so that when the wind whistles through it and makes music, they can listen to it.

AND THEY KEEP GETTING BIGGER! There was a man I stood behind in line this past week and he had a gauger in his ear that was so large, I swear it to you on my life, that I could stick my finger in and out of it a dozen times, without touching any of the sides once. He didn't notice, even while I did it, but the cashier was laughing hyterically. I had to stop when he turned around and glared at me, but I was already laughing to myself and didn't care. To say the least, he wasn't pleased. But do these morons honestly understand the consequences of their actions? What are his grandkids (God forbid) going to say?

"Grandpa, why do you have a huge hole in your ear?"

His only plausible response SHOULD be:

"I was a freakin' retarded kid and shoved wheels into my ears to make myself 'cool'"

Anybody see the lack of sense here? Anyone at all? If not, euthanasia is the medication I prescribe for you, as well as a deep drink from a shotgun barrel. People like this are ruining the collective intelligence of our species and are dragging us back into the primordial goo we worked so hard to crawl out of, just as rap and wannabe 'gangsters' are doing the same.


And so, in closing, I need to say this. If you do any of the above? Stop. You look stupid, and the half of our species that see past your false-bravado bullshit know how pathetic you really are. Why? Because you look like the village idiot from the Medieval times, with more expensive 'brand-name' clothing than your predecessor did.

If you are dating someone like you see above? Dump his ass. He's a punk, and all that layered sweetness he puts on to charm you and your giggly friends is just a facade he uses to get into your gullible pants and to get him laid. Eventually, you WILL feel embarrassed to be out in public with him, or you'll demand the offending objects removed and the holes sewn shut.

If I have offended anybody that has read this, I will not apologize. I have seen so much of the stupidity running rampant, I fear that it may be viral. Instead of taking offense, perhaps you should learn from the statements above, and take the proper course of action necessary to either smarten up, or rid yourself from the world in a very visually appealing manner. i.e. Cliff diving without a parachute or playing chicken with a train. The manner in which you dispose of yourself doesn't bother me, just the evidence that you did it right and aren't going to limp away, breed, and spread the idiocy onto the next generation.


Now that I have vented my frustrations with today's youth culture, I'm going to go read a decent book, eat a delicious meal, then take a nice bath and imagine that the ineptitude of so many people will eventually cleanse the stupidity 'Darwin Awards' style, to be published later for our amusement.



Thank You,

Nekko

A Proud Homophobe is the same as a Naive Child

They are both uneducated, foolish, full of opinions, misinformation, and are commonly looked upon with a sense of resigned tolerance. They are there, and we have to deal with them, though nuetering will probably take the fight out of both of them, and quickly.


I just pittered through some wanker's house who's only picture says 'Straight love is the only love.'

This comes from somebody whose family, forty-fifty years ago, probably were at the hate rallies condemning interracial marriages.

In essence, people need to shut up. This pedantic dweeb is proud of being a bigot, and a homophobe, and makes it clear that he enjoys such disparaging titles. Do you know what I think? Bullshit like this is passed down through the media and through direct sources (i.e. parents and grandparents). This self-proclaimed 'honour' is nothing more than regurgitated philosophy that holds no basis in reality.  Close-minded fools like him and the majority of people in certain religious cultures find something wrong with that kind of love.

But about that. Straight love is the only love? That's essentially categorizing love; that's not possible. In the end, you would have to marry people so they match. Same skin color, same hair, eyes, height, weight, eyebrow length. If you did anything BUT drag this categorization of love down to this extreme, you are being hypocritical, and I will stand by, and back up, this proclamation.

'Boy + boy + girl + girl'

A boy can love another boy as much as a girl, and girls can love girls as much as they love boys.

There is nothing wrong with it. In a nutshell, love is nothing more than a biological chemical combination that is released into the brain and body to stimulate reactions to the object of your interest. MEANING: It doesn't matter if your getting aroused seeing your girlfriend undress, or that cute boy in the locker room pulling his shirt off. It's the SAME chemicals, no matter what.

So, to say it's wrong is opinionated foolishness that, as said before, holds NO basis in reality. To say that it is the ONLY love is close-minded. People who hate other people for loving another person, same sex or no, are merely screaming out their lack of self-identity, and are pitiably worthless. They merely want to draw attention to themselves in order to spread their plebianic views into a world of people who either love them for their forthright knowledge (second-hand knowledge, as a matter of fact, that is also woefully inaccurate), or people that hate them for their lack of compassion, understanding, and sense of humanity.













I will make this clear. If I offended you because you are a homophobe; GOOD! GROW THE HELL UP! This isn't the inquisition people, it's the 21st century, and shit is changing! Time to get past your neo-religious ideals of self-modeled perfection and learn to live with what life has dealt you. So the boy next door likes to kiss boys, then fucks them from behind in a pleasurable night of lovemaking. What's it to you? Are you injured? No. In danger? No. Anywhere close to being in a position that will require you to protect your own life, possessions, and family? No.

Your being anal-retentive, naive, and opinionated. If the two boys fuck, it does not affect you. The only time you have cause for complaint is if someone attempts to rape you; but, if you are one of the homophobes mentioned before, then you certainly deserve it. THEN you can complain about how bad we are.

Assholes....