"The shadow of the Undertaker
creeps across your floor.
Go lock up all your children
And paint blood upon your door.
These hills are filled with whispers —"

"The Undertaker knows no master
He drinks from any cup poured.
Just as Banshees wail their warning
That someone that same day will die
The Undertaker, he states the same
I'll be goddamned if he tells a lie"

"The Undertaker raises no hand,
But I'll fear him, just the same…
His presence pre-tells both blood and death,
Yet he shoulders
Not the blame.
Like the shadow of the vulture
Circlin' blackly overhead,
The Undertaker is drawn to death
Like a knife is drawn to red"

"No..." I admitted sheepishly. She laughed at me, but I didn't care. I was lost in her green eyes. We couldn't look away from each other, and slowly we moved our lips closer until they were less than a centimeter away from each other. Suddenly she turned away.
"I can't." She said. Choking back tears.
"What's wrong?" I said, "Was it something I did?"
"No" she whispered. "It's just... It's just..."
"What is it?" I said in the most sympathetic tone I had ever spoken in. My breath was hanging on her next words.
"I need about tree fiddy."
Now it was about that time that I realized that this girl was 8 stories tall and was a crustacean from the Paleozoic era. That god damn Loch Ness Monster had tricked me again.

So I need to say this because I'm long overdue for a 'Nekko Rant'.

Class. I'm all about class. Nothing is more empowering then dressing nice, being intelligent, and being chivalrous. Being able to hold your own in a difficult conversation takes class. Opening a door for a lady takes class (ignore the feminists saying it's chauvinistic to hold a door, their demeanor is crass and offensive). Being able to enjoy a snifter of brandy or aged bourbon on the rocks without slamming it in a shot, that takes class. Class is a lifestyle, and can turn the ugly and broken into a character people look up to for guidance and leadership. And yes, gentleman, this is directed at you, but the ladies are welcome to glean advice here as well.

Being classy is something you don't see very much these days, for one reason or another. To dress like you're on the up-and-up, that can cost a pretty penny and, let's face it, the economy is in the can. You know it is when even McDonald's isn't hiring anymore, so disregard what the news says in passing about the economy "looking better" with unemployment down by 6% or some other number that holds no real value. The problem there is they say the jobs are there, and people are getting those jobs, but those jobs are usually minimum wage and it's already been proven that two adults earning minimum wage cannot pay for rent, food, their child, healthcare, and a vehicle. Something has to go. In my opinion, the kid should, but hey, I'm not fond of them. So, people can't dress nicely these days, and by nicely I'm talking a good suit or dress, something you'd have a night on the town in. You remember the way men dressed back in the 20's all the way up through the 50's? That's classy. But nowadays a good set-up like that will run you a thousand dollars if you want quality, and who's going to bop around in a thousand dollar suit for fun? Morons, that's who. But if you skimp on the money, then quality drops and it drops fast. By the time most people hit their pay range, they're shopping Wal-Mart and...well, you don't dress to impress if you shop at Wal-Mart. You might make it work, but you won't turn any heads. The one lucky strike for our generation is the presence of Goodwill's and other similar Thrift stores. Sometimes you can get high-tone, high-end quality for cheap. And that is classy.

But aside from fashion, class comes from the mind. Treating your lady right, not hitting her, being chummy to friend and foe alike, having an education of one kind or another, that takes class. Now, you don't have to have a college degree to be classy. Oh no, you can have a street education and be classy. You could have spent years in a library and never been to a classroom and get an education. But if you are smart and clever, how you obtained those brains doesn't matter. Look at me. My GPA was around 2.7. I could probably give you advice on anything from how to engage in bare-knuckle boxing to picking and mixing a good drink to toast your class. I'm probably smarter than most college graduates, despite my opinion that college is, to be perfectly frank, a waste of time and money. I'm smart, and I try to stay classy. I'm educated. You should be too. And yes, that means putting an effort into how you write. If you right like you have a gimp hand and a lazy eye, you are sorely lacking in class. If you substitute words with numbers and singular letters, then you are sorely lacking in class. If every other word out of your mouth is a curse, well you get the picture. If you have the education, don't hide it because some low-down schmuck tries to lessen your advantage over him. Being called a nerd is the best compliment someone can give you, and any derivative thereof is merely icing on the cake. Don't hide your mind behind a facade of stupidity just to fit in, because if you have to be a numbskull to fit in then you are hanging with the wrong crowd. Be well spoken, be smart, be classy.

Another aspect of being classy, outside of being intelligent and dressing like you care, is hygiene. I know that sounds cliche, but lets face it. Who would you like to sit beside in the theater? The guy who forgot to shower this week and doesn't believe in deodorant, or the guy who showers daily, uses a light dab of cologne and brushes his teeth? Exactly. Guys, if you want to stay classy, it's pretty straight-forward. Brush your teeth, it will make your breath smell infinitely better than if you don't. Carry some breath spray if you wish. Cologne; I'm not talking Axe here, gentleman, I'm talking cologne. You don't need to break the bank to smell good, but you want a scent that is robust, but delicate. Contrary to the 'Bro' mentality, you don't need to BATHE in cologne to smell nice. One drop on your finger, dab on either side of the throat, and you're set for the night. Shampoo and conditioner are basic necessities, I'd suggest something that helps keep away dandruff if you're prone to it (dry locales beware), then some light product to smooth away any frizz in your hair if it's an issue. As well, if you have facial hair, keep it maintained. Nobody likes a neckbeard, so keep yourself trimmed. There! Easy.

Next up, jewelry. In our day and age, jewelry comes in all styles, shapes and sizes. But I'm talking nice. This is another area where skimping becomes obvious. And who are the people that skimp the most? Well, the most readily obvious are juggalos and 'gangsters'. I say gangster, but let's face it, the punks of today are no modern Al Capone.

The get-up they wear is the counter-culture to class; droopy, baggy clothes rather than smart, well-fitted clothing. Their clothing hides the body, while classy dressers have clothes that exalt in the human form. Their jewelry is gaudy costume jewelry, at best. You know what I'm talking about. Gang affiliation, covered in rhinestones or cubic zirconium, often oversized to draw your attention to it. I've noticed that many (not all, just many) seem to follow the adage "bigger is better". If you are classy, minimalism can be your friend. A ring or two, simple bands. You don't need to spell out words with them. A nice watch, standard size preferably with a nice leather strap (metal can make you sweat). It needn't be a Rolex, but it never hurts to aim higher for a good quality watch. Not a sports watch, not a digital monstrosity, get a sweet, simple analog watch. I'm fond of black or dark brown for the strap with side-stitching to increase durability, and a nice black face with gold edging, numbers optional. Subtle and sweet. Earrings, well, let's face it, in our world they are obvious and prevalent, and there is no getting around it. My advice? Get a stud (or studs). You don't need precious stones in your ears, and you don't need loops. A simple stud can be more fashionable than that giant rock that Terry the Flabby Gangstah is sporting in the corner.

And finally, we come to demeanor. Let's do another quick comparison to juggalos and gangters. Now, this is coming from my observations of them, I'm not stereotyping. I've noticed, of both groups, a tendency to be aggressive and quick to turn to violence. They glorify mind altering substances (such as drugs or alcohol), violence, brag extensively about their groups (usually with statements like "You fuck with us we'll kick your ass", "We a big family, can't mess with us, we don't give a fuck", etc.), and swear readily in lieu of decent, well-thought out statements. When they walk, their shoulders are often stooped and their eyes to the ground, with exaggerated care taken to give off an air of disinterest as well as intimidation. Now, being classy, we have a different angle to work with. People with class carry themselves better, squared shoulders, eyes straight up, head held high. They are proud of who they are. They greet you with a smile and a "Good day", and their swearing is limited. They don't give off an air of intimidation, often they give off a feeling of power. And they do have it, over themselves and their world. And, most importantly, a classy gentleman does not actively seek violence.

Now, petty name-calling and questions of manliness aside, what is the purpose of fighting? It's a brutish, petty and foolhardy display of power and domination. A classy gentleman can dominate an entire room simply by entering and being himself, being a champion of good taste and being companionable to all. By contrast, someone driven to fisticuffs only instills fear in the people around them and the only person they dominate is the person they beat bloody, and that is only if they win the fight. People with class don't need to fight unless necessary, because after all, talking down a foe is much classier than knocking his jaw loose.

Now, I've targeted gangsters and juggalos both, because they are the critical failure of class, the antithesis of social decorum. But there are people without class in every social nook and cranny; goths, geeks, jocks, rednecks, even in the groups deemed 'classy'. In fact, there are those driven to live a classy lifestyle but are snobs, rude and conniving. Just remember, these people aren't classy. They are weasels. So, if you follow my advice, you'll be considered a great person by all, and your life will be all the more rich. Because, after all, no one wants to be a juggalo or gangster deep down.

But if my wall of text is too much, and my advice beyond your grasp, just remember this simple phrase, and keep it true to your heart:

Swag is for boys. Class is for men.

Ken Kelly
224 Centennial Dr.
Kersey CO 80644


For my own personal use

"AN EARTH DAY RANT
There are a great many people who believe that global warming is a massive hoax. They believe climate change is junk science. I’ve had discussions with a few of these people and there seems to be no way to change their mind. They say, “this needs more study.”

So scientists gather another pile of evidence. They study ecosystems, weather patterns, droughts, floods, glaciers. They study every inch of the globe and come back with charts and graphs and powerpoints showing just how real this is.

“Those scientists aren’t credible! I saw their emails!”

Some of our greatest scientific minds have looked at the data and are convinced that climate change is very real. Stephen Hawking said it was the greatest threat that man faces in the modern age.

“Well, this weather man from Pennsylvania says it’s just El Nino and volcanoes burping. Nothing to worry about.”

Stephen Hawking > your fuckin’ weather dude.

“Look at all this snow we just got!”



“Well, we didn’t do it. It’s not our fault. Greenhouse gases do not cause global warming.”

It doesn’t seem to matter that greenhouse gases make the planet Venus a balmy 900 degrees. It is much further away from the Sun than Mercury and it is significantly hotter. The CO2 traps in the heat so well that the temperature barely dips during the night. On Venus you can cook a pizza in 9 seconds. If the CO2 in Venus’ atmosphere can warm the planet that much, why is it not reasonable to assume an increase in CO2 on Earth would cause a warming effect as well?

But you can’t convince them. I get exhausted even attempting it. They hate Al Gore, so it doesn’t exist. I’m not fond of Al Gore either. That doesn’t mean he’s completely full of shit.

So I say forget global warming. Let’s talk about something that cannot be disputed.

Air pollution causes 2.4 million deaths every year. You can see the smog for yourself. How can you possibly believe that is okay to breathe? Air pollution cause more deaths than terrorists, more deaths than car accidents, more deaths than vending machines. China loses 650,000 people per year and that number is growing steadily.

The fun part is… all of the solutions proposed to stop global warming are pretty much the same as the solutions for air pollution.

So if you don’t want to believe in climate change or global warming… fine.

I don’t care anymore.

But I don’t think you can find a way to deny air pollution. If you do try to deny it, all I ask is that you head on over to downtown Bejing, take a deep breath… and go fuck yourself."

Thank you Frogman.

Once upon a midnight dreary
While I porn surfed, weak and weary
Over many strange and spurious
Site of "hot xxx galore"

While I clicked my fav'rite bookmark
Suddenly there came a warning
and my heart did fill with mourning,
Mourning for my dear amour,

"Tis not possible" I muttered
"Give me back my free hardcore"
Quoth the server
"404"

Gentlemen...ladies...stay classy...

www.rainymood.com/

endlessvideo.com/watch?v=HMnrl0tmd3k

www.freesound.org/people/reinsamba/sounds/18766/

Carry yourself with enough confidence and people don't even notice the corpses your pushing around in the grocery cart.

Because it's cute, I want that hoodie, and fuck you, that's why.

"Saving one chicken or pig is symbolic. At best."

"Atheism is the lack of a belief in a god or gods. We'll focus on monotheism here, since it's more prevalent.

We do not claim to know for certain that god does not exist, but are simply unconvinced that he does. We view god as an unfalsifiable hypothesis, much like elves or goblins.

Since god is not immediately apparent to any of our senses, evidence of him is needed if we are to give the idea of his existence any credence at all.

The primary assertion of atheism is not necessarily that "there is no god," but rather, "there is no good evidence for a god." And until evidence of a god is presented, we will be atheists.

The beauty of nature is not evidence of god, unless the ugly aspects of nature such as disease, famine, rape and death are evidence against god. Atheists view nature as lacking conscious planning, and thus see both it's beauty and it's ugliness as incidental.

The bible, the koran, someone's personal sense of god--these things are not evidence, but articles of faith. Faith is the opposite of evidence. In fact, the very definition of faith is "belief without evidence"--which is what many atheists are really against.

But even these non-evidence-based beliefs wouldn't be a problem if they didn't influence societal opinions and attitudes and negatively affect public policy and our political discourse. With that said, it should be noted that not all atheists have qualms with other people's religiosity, but many do take issue with it for the very reasons I detailed moments ago."

And they say 4chan has nothing to offer.

The celebration in which juvenile primates hunt for the colored shells of unborn dinosaur young planted by a small, furry woodland creature all in commemoration of a middle ages cult belief that 2000 years ago a zombie walked the earth.

And now for a pensive look at the thoughts of the Legions of Chaos.

"Why aren’t we killing yet? Where is the blood I was promised?
Blood! I ache for the taste of BLOOD!
Why are we out here, when we could be in the thick of slaughter?!
Yes! Enemies! We need enemies.
Blood for the Blood God. Blood for the Blood God! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!
YAY FOR THE BLOOD GOD! But we need more sacrifices! Herd the Imperial lambs to the slaughter! Bring Khorne his fill, or I’ll wring what I need from your broken bodies! More sacrifices. More death! MORE GLORIOUS CARNAGE!
The path to ruin, that is the way to Hell.
I feel the warp overtaking me…it is a good pain. Do you hear the voices too? It is as though a thousand worlds cry out in pain.
The Blood Pit overflows with the red ichor of the Imperium's finest. YOU! Find me more souls to corrupt. Take me to them, that I may render judgment! More Blood….for the BLOOD GOD! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!
By Khorne, it will be done.
Sanity…is for the WEAK.
Come my minions, let us steal their souls.
A pox on the false emperor!
We see the target!
Yes, finally! War to stir the blood! Blood to warm the flesh! Let them come. Slaughter them to the last, and eat your fill! By the worm-eye that bleeds in all the dark places, by the wound that never heals, I summon you…Bloodthirster! From the darkest depths of the warp!
The Age of the False Emperor is over at last! None can stand before me. The forces of chaos are mine to command.
The dark powers triumph. Chaos…consume us!
Blood for the Blood God!
Skulls for the Skull Throne!
Maim, kill, burn! Maim, kill, burn! Maim, kill, burn!
FOR THE GLORY…OF CHAOS!
BLOOD! HA HA HA HA HA! BLOOOD!
I am destruction incarnate!
Kill! KILL!
They are but gnats before me…
ATTACK! Break their backs! ATTACK! Break them in half! ATTACK! Split them open!
SLAUGHTER THEM ALL!
I AM UNSTOPPABLE! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!
KILL! KIIILL!! KIIIIILLLL!!
Forces of chaos…will be my power!
We will strip the flesh from their bones.
Your souls will be mine…
We are the destroyer! We are legion.
We will send the enemy to Hell and worse!
KILL! CRUSH! Rend them limb from limb!
Blood…blood! BLOOD! BLOOD!!
You weaklings…can no one offer me a challenge? Rah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! My ascension is at hand…my hour of glory! I, and I alone, will be Khorne’s chosen! His favored acolyte and prime among his champions! From this world I will conquer the next, and the one after that! I will crush entire suns in the palm of my hand. I will stride down the halls of the Heathen Emperor and I will grind him and the Golden Throne of Terror between my iron fingers! The Universe will know the will of Khorne…Tremble! Quake! These are your final hours Lon Fie! My reign will turn the heavens themselves crimson! Blood for the Blood God! Let the Universe drowned in it!"

My laziness is like the number eight. When I lie down on my side, it is infinite.

A liberal muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor was teaching a class on Karl Marx.

"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!"

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, pro-life Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of war and fully supported all military decisions made by the United States stood up and held up a rock.

"How old is this rock?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied "4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian."

"Wrong. It's been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real... then it should be an animal now."

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of Origin of the Species. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears.

The students applaued and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named "Small Government" flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague AIDS and was tossed into the lake of fire for all eternity.

Semper Fi.










As read on 4chan. Thank you 4chan.

wElCoMe BaCk, LiTtLe LoSt AnD BrOkEn StRaiN,

HaVe YoU cOmE To JoIn The PeRfEcTiOn oF tHe BiOmAsS?

...YoUr DnA MeMoRiES HaVe ClEaRlY BeEn CoRruPteD bY tHe PaThoGeN WeApOnS ThAt LoNg AgO WiPeD OuT tHe OrGaNiC MulTiCeLluLaR BuiLdErS, OwNeRs aNd ReSiDeNtS Of TheSe CiTiEs.

YoU SeEm To HaVe FoRgOtTeN WhY We ArE HeRE...
NoT To ReStORe ErAdIcAtEd ChLoRoPhyL LiFe, NoT tO TeRrAFoRm ThIs DeAd WoRlD, bUt To EvAlUaTe, JuDgE aNd ExEcUtE...

"It's a world of skinless, blood soaked nightmares, clambering from the deep that clangers for the meat of the guilty."

I heralded in this New Year by playing strip poker with my friends, and then fucking my girlfriend in six different positions while my buddy Shaman fucks Dessy. It was a delightful experience that heralds back to previous years of companionable humping. I then came all over my girlfriend's bottom while Dessy made a girl-puddle on our new comforter while Shaman finger-fucked her, and then we all drank Mike's Hard lemonades and mojitos.

How did you celebrate YOUR New Year?

　／l、
（ﾟ､ ｡ ７
　l、 ~ヽ
　じしf_,)ノ

Because I can.

Fuck off, this is for my own personal enjoyment.

"And when you think about it, isn't that exactly the point? Parking. And driving. And shopping. And eating. And working. Somewhere, somehow, they're different now, none of 'em are the same, they all got chewed up and spit back out, and they don't taste like living anymore! Don't you see what it's like in this deranged Waring Blender of a world?! Every day is an agonizing ordeal, like balancing a pot of scalding water on your head while people whip your legs and butt! You think I'm "SICK"?! Well the only disease I've got is "Modern Life," a schnutbusting gauntlet of inefficiency and misery that's one long parade of let-downs, put-downs, trickle downs, shutouts, freezeouts, sell-outs, numnuts, nincompoops and nimrods, all making every day as much fun as waxing a flaming Pontiac with your tongue, where even if you do luck into the possibility of some fleeting pleasure, like, say, if some nymphomaniac telephone operators with the muscle control of Rumanian mat-slappers agree to a little Strip Air Hockey, it'll be over before it starts 'cuz some vowel-lacking, feta-reeking cab-jockey slams his Checker up your hatchback and the cab is owned by some pinata spanker from a Santeria cult in Xoacalpa who starts shaking chicken bones at you and gives you a boil on your neck so big all it needs is Michael Jordan's autograph to make it complete, and even with all this, with ALL THIS, I still drag my sorry butt off the Sealy every morning and stick my face in the reaping machine for one more day, knowing when it's time to flash the cosmic card key at those Pearly Gates, I won't be in the coffin anyway 'cuz some underhanded undertaker sold my heart, pancreas and other assorted Good 'N' Plenty to that same Santeria cult! So does anybody really wonder why ANYBODY is hanging onto sanity by the atoms on the tips of their fingernails while life dirty-dances on their digits, and is it really any wonder that I seem DERANGED???!!"

I have a name but it isn't my name
My face shows signs of age
And I always mean the same thing
No matter what I say
I'm born in the mourning
I last 'til the end of days
Men plant me but I never grow
Run from me but I never move
Look at me to see their future
and rot in the fields where I bloom


...


What am I?