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One for sorrow,
Two for joy,
Three for a girl,
Four for a boy,
Five for silver,
Six for gold,
Seven for a secret,
Never to be told.
Eight for a wish,
Nine for a kiss,
Ten for a bird,
You must not miss

"If you’re reading this note, I’m sorry. I assume you’re in the same situation as me—that smug bastard drugged you and dumped you in these catacombs, with only a candle to find your way out.

I don’t know how many people he’s done this to, but there have probably been a lot. He wouldn’t spend so much time on it otherwise, would he? He told me the catacombs are a maze, and he’s set traps and deadfalls at every turn. But he promised there’s one safe way out, if I’m lucky enough to guess the correct path.

I’m not lucky. I’m just an art student, here on holiday. There’s no way I’m getting out alive. But I want someone to. I want revenge.

I’m sure you do, too, so let’s help each other. I still have my sketchbook and pencils. Before each turn, I’m going to leave them behind for the next person, writing down which way I went. If I survive to another passageway, I’ll come back and leave a page like this one. If I don’t, then it’s up to the next person to carry on and go the opposite direction.
Eventually, if we keep leaving breadcrumbs, one of us will escape. Get to the police and find that bastard. Do it for those who didn’t make it.

My name is Jeff. I went left here."

Reading the note by candlelight you feel a glimmer of hope, until you realize you’re reading from the sketchbook itself. Jeff never returned to tear out the page, and you’re the first person here since him.

You look to your right, where the dark maze awaits.

While I do admit to fearing some major factions of Islam, I don't like the connotation or the politically correct assertion that such fear is irrational. Concerns about Islam are very different from, for example, concerns about Judaism because Islam, is unique among religions today in posing a real threat to the human condition. I would go as far as to say an educated fear is a completely rational position. It's not about race (Islam is not a race) and it's not about people (who are the victims of lies) - it's about an ancient and particularly particularly violent desert religious sect, separated from society and honed over generations by a destructive religious cycle into a barbaric nightmare that, unlike Christianity and Judaism, has yet to be tempered by modern values.

With that you have a religion that has actively sought the deaths of innocents over things as simple as drawings of their prophet, and rioted over similar, but when confronted about this, it is the victims of the slaughter, the innocents who died at the hands of those who murdered to uphold a religious concept up as more important than human life, who are blamed. Excuses about them being provocative, or being offensive, are used to make the guilty party seem the real victim.

But I will be frank and honest with you. I would gladly offend a billion people in exchange for protecting a single right, and as soon as you assume that your religious ideology, regardless of what religion you advocate, has greater value than the life of another human being, then that must be where our paths separate.

What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.


wot the fok did ye just say 2 me m8? i dropped out of newcastle primary skool im the sickest bloke ull ever meet & ive nicked ova 300 chocolate globbernaughts frum tha corner shop. im trained in street fitin' & im the strongest foker in tha entire newcastle gym. yer nothin to me but a cheeky lil bellend w/ a fit mum & fakebling. ill waste u and smash a fokin bottle oer yer head bruv, i swer 2 christ. ya think u can fokin run ya gabber at me whilst sittin on yer arse behind a lil screen? think again wanka. im callin me homeboys rite now preparin for a proper scrap. A roomble thatll make ur nan sore jus hearin about it. yer a waste bruv. me crew be all over tha place & ill beat ya to a proper fokin pulp with me fists wanka. if i aint satisfied w/ that ill borrow me m8s cricket paddle & see if that gets u the fok out o' newcastle ya daft kunt. if ye had seen this bloody fokin mess commin ye might a' kept ya gabber from runnin. but it seems yea stupid lil twat, innit? ima shite fury & ull drown in it m8. ur ina proper mess knob.


Hwat the hell did you just freaking say about me, you little bobby? I'll have you know I graduated at the top of my class in the sales of propane and propane acessories, and I've been involved in numerous secret propane raids on Thatherton Fuels, and I have over 300 confirmed sales. I am trained in grilla warfare and I'm the top salesman in the entire Strickland Propane company. I will wipe you the hell out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in arlen, mark my god danged words. You think you can get away with saying that crap to me over the phone? Think again, boy. As we speak I am contacting my group of redneck friends across the street and your number is being traced right now so you better prepare for hell, hippie. The hell that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your charcoal grill. You're freaking dead, boy. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can sell to you in over 700 different ways. and thats just with my grill catalog. Not only am I extensively trained in the sales of propane and propane acessories, but I have access to the entire propane and grill stock of Strickland Propane and I will use it to its full extent to sell you a grill thats off the face of the great USA, you little democrat. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" charcoal grill was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your freaking money. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price you god danged idiot. I will spill propane all over you and you will drown in it. You're freaking buying, customer.


What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch. I’ll have you know my name is John, and I woke up this morning 5:30 sharp to the smell of wet pussy. I was getting a blowjob from two bitches (Shit was SO Cash), one was trying to fit my humongous 3 pound balls in her mouth while the other was choking halfway on my 18 and 3\8 inch dick. She started to squirt hard, she was convulsing and having 6 orgasms at the same time. I gave it to them and they were on the floor squirting like motherfucking fountains. Must have come about a quart of sperm and compressed air. Imagine your best orgasm, then multiply it by 35. I had to go to base camp so I front-flipped from my 14th floor barracks into my valet parked 2012 Ferrari (I got connexions). Pushed my shit to about 4 hundo (mph, mind you) and I was at base camp in no time. When I entered, I became a top sniper and was granted access to the entire arsenal of the USMC. I learned how to kill someone in over 700 different ways and was assigned to be the leader of a squad that will kill 300 terrorists using gorilla warfare tactics. Also did 6000 push-ups, 8000 sit-ups and bench-pressed 30 plates in 16 minutes. After basic training, I met a network of secret spies who will help me trace your IP address, while eating gold plated sushi and 15,000 $ champagne. My unit got the rest of the day off and I became captain of our base’s football team and starter of the basketball team. I got straight A’s on the military entrance exams and received more awards. Meanwhile, you were jacking off to pictures on Facebook and naked drawn Japanese people. Went back in the Lambo to my barracks and now I am getting ready to go to sleep. I am going to graduate at the top of my class in the Navy Seals tomorrow and I want to look pretty much perfect for it. Don’t be a stranger and remember, I did more in one day than you will your entire life.


What slanderous attacks hast thou thrown against my good name, thou contemptible wench? Whereas I have risen even unto the foremost rank in the Royal Admiralty; whereas I have on many an occasion partaken in clandestine crusades against the Saracens; whereas by mine hands have fallen barbarians numbering some fifteen score; whereas I am most skilled in the ways of the ape warrior; whereas I am the premier marksman amongst all of our Kingdom's knights: Thou art in my sights but yet another quarry. The Lord be my witness, I shall smite thee as no-one under the sun hath heretofore been smitten. Dost thou deign to fancy thyself secure to cast thy spittle upon my face from behind the Spider's Veil? Then thou hast wandered into grievous error. Yea, even at this very moment, I am sending word across the land to my fellow Templars, and the provenance of thy scrivenings shall in short time become known unto me. A veritable maelstrom of vengeance is upon thy gates, thou wretched worm, which surely shall obliterate thy loathsome pretension of life. Truly, thou art foregone, child. I move as swift as the wind, and with mine own two hands I may at my pleasure slay thee in any of thirty and five score modes. For verily as I am a master in the pugilistic arts, even so doth the manifold armory of the Royal Guard lie at my beck and call, which in its plenitude of power I shall not delay to unleash upon thee, that thy fœtid flesh may no longer pollute this land with its presence, thou pitiful putrescence. Would that thou couldst have foreseen what great wrath thou hast by thy "brazen" jocosity summoned upon thyself! Perhaps thou wouldst have rather kept shut thy filth-spewing mouth. But neither couldst thou thus foresee, nor didst thou take heed of prudence, and thou art now reaping what thou hast sown, thou accursèd simpleton. I will excrete rage all round about thee, wherein shalt thou be consumed. Thou hast shuffled off this mortal coil, urchin


What the darn-diddily-doodily did you just say about me, you little witcharooney? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class at Springfield Bible College, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret mission trips in Capital City, and I have over 300 confirmed baptisms. I am trained in the Old Testament and I’m the top converter in the entire church mission group. You are nothing to me but just another heathen. I will cast your sins out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in Heaven, mark my diddily-iddilly words. You think you can get away with saying that blasphemy to me over the Internet? Think again, friendarino. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of evangelists across Springfield and your IP is being traced by God right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggorino. The storm that wipes out the diddily little thing you call your life of sin. You’re going to Church, kiddily-widdily. Jesus can be anywhere, anytime, and he can turn you to the Gospel in over infinity ways, and that’s just with his bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in preaching to nonbelievers, but I have access to the entire dang- diddily Bible collection of the Springfield Bible College and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your sins away off the face of the continent, you diddily-doo satan-worshipper. If only you could have known what holy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you from the Heavens, maybe you would have held your darn-diddily-fundgearoo tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re clean of all your sins, you widdillo-skiddily neighborino. I will sing hymns of praise all over you and you will drown in the love of Christ. You’re farn-foodily- flank-fiddily reborn, kiddo-diddily.


By the Nine Divines! What did you just say about me, you little skeeverbutt? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the College of Winterhold, and I've been known to cast one hell of a fireball, and I have over 300 confirmed summons. I am trained in daedric warfare and I'm the swords master of the entire Imperial forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will make you beg to Akatosh as I bend you over like a common whelp, mark my words, on my oath as the Dovahkiin. You think you can come into my mind through this magic device and insult me? Think again, scum. As we speak I have every assassin and thief across all of Tamriel looking for your initial position so you better prepare for the storm atronach, you Draugr. The storm atronach that wipes out the pathetic little husk you call your life. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my dragon shouts! Not only am I extensively trained in archery and horseback riding, but I have access to the entire congregation of the Thieves Guild, Dark Brotherhood, Mages College, and untold hordes of Daedric warriors, and I will use every one of them to banish you to the plane of Oblivion. If only you could have had the clairvoyance to see what divine retribution your little "clever" runes were about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue you dark skin. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will become the embodiment of Mehrunes Dagon, and open a portal to Oblivion the likes of which you have never seen. You're fucking dead, milk-drinker.


What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch. I’ll have you know my name is John, and I woke up this morning 5:30 sharp to the smell of wet pussy. I was getting a blowjob from two bitches (Shit was SO Cash), one was trying to fit my humongous 3 pound balls in her mouth while the other was choking halfway on my 18 and 3\8 inch dick. She started to squirt hard, she was convulsing and having 6 orgasms at the same time. I gave it to them and they were on the floor squirting like motherfucking fountains. Must have come about a quart of sperm and compressed air. Imagine your best orgasm, then multiply it by 35. I had to go to base camp so I front-flipped from my 14th floor barracks into my valet parked 2012 Ferrari (I got connexions). Pushed my shit to about 4 hundo (mph, mind you) and I was at base camp in no time. When I entered, I became a top sniper and was granted access to the entire arsenal of the USMC. I learned how to kill someone in over 700 different ways and was assigned to be the leader of a squad that will kill 300 terrorists using gorilla warfare tactics. Also did 6000 push-ups, 8000 sit-ups and bench-pressed 30 plates in 16 minutes. After basic training, I met a network of secret spies who will help me trace your IP address, while eating gold plated sushi and 15,000 $ champagne. My unit got the rest of the day off and I became captain of our base’s football team and starter of the basketball team. I got straight A’s on the military entrance exams and received more awards. Meanwhile, you were jacking off to pictures on Facebook and naked drawn Japanese people. Went back in the Lambo to my barracks and now I am getting ready to go to sleep. I am going to graduate at the top of my class in the Navy Seals tomorrow and I want to look pretty much perfect for it. Don’t be a stranger and remember, I did more in one day than you will your entire life.


what the splork did you just say about me you little pengouin poop? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the navy waffles, I am very random and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on neopets top guilds, and I have over 300 confirmed toodles. I have trained in maple syrup bisexual combat and I am top alien on invader zim 64. you are nothing to me but another pancake. I will call you names out with precision been seen on this blag, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away saying that to me over the internet? Think again, pooper. as we speak I am contacting my secret network of preteen girls across myspace, and they are all very bisexual. your IP adress is being traced, so you better prepare for the storm, toodles. the storm that splorks that pathetic little thing you call your pumpkin. you think you're random, kid? I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare randomness. Not only am I extensively trained in waffle combat, but I have access to then entire arsenal of the Club Pengouin Army of DOOOOOOMMMM and I will use it to it's full extent to spread your miserable peanut butter from the surface of this toast, you little poop. if only you could have known what tasty retributioon your little "random" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking toaster. But you couldn't, you didn't and now your paying the price, you goddamn imatture hater. I will toast waffles all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, toodles.


What the fuck did you just say to me, you filthy heretic? I'll have you know I graduated at the top of my chapter in the Adeptus Astartes and I've been involved in the glassing of hundreds of xenos worlds, with over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in xenos planet warfare and I'm the top sniper in the Imperium. You are nothing but a filthy heretic for me to burn away with the might of the Holy Emperor. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which have never been seen before on Terra, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that heresy to me over Vox? Think again, fucker. As we speak, I'm contacting The Holy Orders of the Emperor's Inquisition across the galaxy and your Vox channel is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The fury of the Emperor that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, traitor. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combar, but I access to the entire arsenal of the Imperium of Man and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass out of existence, you little shit. If only you could have known what Holy Retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your traitorous tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamned heretic. The fury of my bolters will rain down on you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, heretic.

I am a conclusionary atheist (some use the term hard atheist or strong atheist). That is, I have read, thought, and studied enough to satisfy myself that there is no god, all gods are imaginary, and actively believing in god is silly. I have concluded all religion is a scam. If a god shows itself, or if Santa Claus lands on my roof, I will rethink my worldview, but until then, fiction is fiction.

The Locked Gate

In every small town in the world there is a small plot of land like this. You may have seen it while driving, or walking by, but never like this. Never up close.

With a passing glance, it seems to be nothing more than an empty stretch of land, overgrown with weeds and grasses, the decaying stones of some forgotten structure scattered around.

Now, if you enter the empty plot and say "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," you'll find yourself walking along a path you didn't realize was there; but, take care never to leave the trail for dark things await the careless footfall and they yearn for company in the agonizing void they call existence.

Follow the path until you come to the only standing structure in view, a garden gate set between two stones that reach your chest. You'll see the wall on either side has long ago been dismantled or destroyed, but upon the door a faded metal sign still reads 'Keep Shut'. If you look around you will discover that you are no longer where you once were. The buildings, lights and sounds of the area around the plot are gone, replaced with empty fields as far as the eye can see.

You have reached the point of no return. If you say "I apologize, I seem to have gotten lost" and turn back the way you came, you'll find that the path leads you back to the street from whence you'd come, but if you wish to continue, simply knock on the garden gate.

Be cautious now, for the journey becomes more perilous. Knock once, and no one will answer. Two knocks, and you will hear a whisper on the breeze. If you stop to listen to the breeze, you will hear tempting words echoing towards you, urging you to follow, to stray from the path. It will offer you enticing truths to mysteries that man has long searched to answer, but do not listen long, for the longer you listen the more overwhelming the whispers, and you will be compelled to leave the path to fall the unknown.

If you steel your resolve, knock a third time, and the voices in the wind shall fall silent. Wait patiently there, and do no stray, for in a few moments time there will come a gatekeeper. He will appear as a small, balding man man with a pinched face and blind eyes. He will ask you what you're doing on his land. Do not answer now, for if he hears you speaks his grey eyes will focus and in them you will see your death, a gruesome and horrible experience that will destroy your soul.

Instead simply knock thrice more on the garden gate, speaking not a word. The little man will yell at you, demanding to know who you are before threatening to sic his hounds on you. Do not speak, for he will indeed call his hounds, monstrous creatures that will tear you apart and devour you.

Do not falter, stretch forward and knock thrice more. The man will straighten slightly and cock his head, as if listening, a pleasant and charming smile blooming on his face. He will ask if you would like to come in and ask him some questions, and will offer refreshments to the weary traveler.

Beware his trickery, and do not open the gate. State "I have many questions, but I would never wish to impose."

Now you may ask him your questions, but he will test your mettle for each question. Each question asked will be responded to with another question of a personal and discomfiting nature.

Do not lie to him, or think to cheat him. Appearances are deceiving, and his mind is as vast and unending as the darkness between the stars.

He will answer any and all questions, but he will only reveal answers if you answer his questions correctly. For every question you fail to answer, he will shave time from your life. Minutes, hours, days, months, even years, all determined by his fickle nature, chance and whim.

If, and when, you ask your questions and answer his, you may stop at any time by simply saying "I've enjoyed our discussion, but I must be off", to which the little man will ask you a favor.

"The gate seems to have rusted shut, would you mind jimmying the handle for me? I will reward you handsomely for your efforts."

His words are true; he can give unto you riches beyond imagine, everlasting life, wisdom that would make all the sciences pale with envy. He can give you love, return life to the dead, fulfill desires for fame.

But do not touch the door. You will again hear whispering on the wind, insistent, urgent, commanding. The man will lean forward and ask again for your help, and you will see a smile on his face that could curdle milk, but you must turn away.

Stay on the path and walk back to where you came from. You will hear behind you the sounds of pounding fists on the gate, enraged screams demanding you return, howls of unearthly hate echoing, but do not falter and do not quicken your pace. You have what you came for, answers, and to hurry now would only lead to folly.

Stay on the path until you return to the street, the street which you find has reappeared while your attention was elsewhere. Step onto the sidewalk and breathe easy for you are safe now, free to go where you will with the knowledge you've gained.

But why not open the gate, you may wonder?

The answer is simple; When you open the gate, a prison door opens somewhere else. And through that door will walk a creature that has been watching life on earth with a rapacious hunger for aeons, and it will finally be free.

The word "amen" means "so be it". This is why it's said at the end of a prayer because you want the stuff you just prayed for to happen.

So when someone posts a picture of a room full of slaughtered children and tells you to type "amen" you're not really signalling your piety, you're saying "so be it" in favor of rooms full of slaughtered children.

If you really want a great way to signal your piety then try doing something physical to help the unfortunate that doesn't involve spreading the pages of facebook scammers. In short, every page asking you to share it and post "amen" is playing you for a sucker.

I'd climb over the bloody back of my best friend wearing hobnailed boots in order to get what I want.