Usually you hear people saying, "Merry Christmas!" but I'm going to be different and say...

The darkness grips at me like a vice,
squeezing out my breath and I
want to bawl.
The emptiness is making my
skin crawl;
Now I'm as cold as ice.

It creeps around me,
snuffing out the light.
It muffles out the sound,
and takes away my sight.

Who knew it could be scarry?
It cloaks me like a thick void.
Now a-days I'm oh so warry;
like shooting star in the sky.

Some people think I'm silly,
for being so scared.
Other's agree willingly,
but to me they just don't get it.

They don't feel how it grips at my soul;
tearing at my hair, like an ugly troll.
No matter how hard I try,
I can't seem to get away.
The more I try to calm my fears,
the more I want to cry.

Emotion is flooding through me now,
its getting harder to breathe.
I'll get past the fear some how,
while I clench and grind my teeth.

This fear is very real to me,
I don't know what to do.
I wish I could make you see,
what I feel, in my eye, is true.

When you mock and make fun,
all you see is the sun.
You're not being very fair,
and I can tell you just don't care.

"Turn on a light," you say,
"and it'll all go away."
If it were only that simple.
I could play it like a cymbal.

I feel as though the darkness
could take me down and out.
On an invisible map, with an
unfathomable route.

I'd bite my lip bottom lip
as it'd take me.
fighting back my screams,
my tears blinding me so I can't see.

"Into the darkness you must go!"
a thick voice said.
"Do not worry, in the morning you'll
be dead!"
Will you notice I'm gone?
I guess I'll never know...

Well, that's the end of that..

Sadly.

I just had to say good-bye to one of the most important people in my life.

He's deleting me and blocking me so that he never has to talk to me again, as long as he lives.

As much as I don't want to say good-bye, I know I have to. So Good-bye, it was nice nowing you, take care of yourself.

As much as you don't want to believe it, know that I did and still do love you.

~Kristen

I did a really stupid thing. I am so mad at myself that I can't even think straight. I just want to cry, because I made the most important person in my life angry.
I just acted before I thought about what I was doing. And once I thought about it, I realized that I messed up big time.
Now I don't even know if the love of my life with ever forgive me. He's never once been angry at me, just at the situation or topic of conversation. But today, he was, is, angry with me. And I feel absolutely horrible.
I've said sorry a hundred times, and I'll keep saying it until he believes me. But after this I don't think that he will.
When I told him that I love him, he said that if I loved him so much I would have thought what I did through before I did it.
I don't know if we'll bounce back from this.
Hell, I don't even know why I'm putting this all on here.. Maybe wishful thinking? Hoping that he'll read it and forgive me? But I doubt it.
I do, though, hope that he does read this, so that he know's how sorry I am. I don't know how else to say it other than the ways that I have. I can't take back what I did. I can however, prevent it from going farther than what it already has. Wheather he believes me or not is the question.

Well, If you are reading this, then please know that I am truly, truly sorry. And I do hope that we can get past this. I do love you, with my whole heart. I hope you feel the same.

I love you.

Truly.

Dear (Jordan,)
I don't really know how to tell you this, but (I'm enjoying the convent and our socks don't match). I think I realized it (when I finally changed my underwear, at the mental hospital) and I saw you (sit on my boyfriend). I'm sure you're (middle-class) enough to understand (how awful you are). I'm returning (the couch cushions) to you, but I'll keep (the results of that blood sample) as a memory.


You should also know that I (love your sweet sweet ass) and (I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo).


(Best of luck on your sex change)

~Kristen







Dear (someone you enjoy talking to),
I don't really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4) (5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory.


You should also know that I (10) and (11)

(12)
your name





1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - I’m joining the Convent
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - You're mean
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When you smacked my ass
August - When I saw the purple monkey
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Fish - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over


5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your ‘My Little Pony’ collection
None – My prized statue of Michael Jackson in the nude
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Annat -shamed

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exsist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your Hannah Montanna underwear

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - My virginity
C/D - Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Love your sweetsweet ass
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorities you stole the whale from the back yard.


I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Get sick when I think of your feet
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Soda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an Eskimo
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Mineral Water – I'm scratching my ass as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war
Water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I love Oprah Winfrey
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Best of luck on the sex change
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Greetings to your frog Leonard
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself
Italy - have fun SHOVEing NOODLES UP YOUR ASS

I'm totally obsessed with this song right now.. listen to it!! Join the obsession!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtWNJYKKfd0

Wants to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!!

You gotta read this!!!


PERFECTLY NORMAL!!

I found this on one of my friends myspace pages. I absolutely loved it. It kinda hits the nail on the head about my feelings at the moment.

Empty words flow out of my hidden lips,
My mind crumbles, my soul dies, by body chips.
I try to reach you but you're too near to feel,
I cover my chest because my invisible scare hasn't healed.
I open my eyes because when closed I see too much,
Time moves at a pause but I'm in a rush.
I'm walking to fast but its getting me nowhere,
My heart can't over flow there's too much love to share.
No sound vibrations go in one ear and out the other,
I'm a galaxy away but you feel smothered.
St. Valentine takes a vacation on February fourteenth,
Our broken chain has way too many links.
I'm driving a race car out of your mind,
But you're walking a treadmill out of mine.

OMG!! SUDSZILLA!!!



So, the funniest thing happened tonight!
I got home from work and we ate dinner. We all cleaned up the kitchen and put the dishes in the dish washer.
Beth started talking about her Dad's wedding that's coming up. And I asked her if she knew anything about it yet, because we are supposed to be making the invites and what not; so we need to know the colors.
Any how she steps outside for a second and in that second I put regular dish soap in the dishwasher and started it up.
BIG MISTAKE!!!
With in seconds a small portion of the floor was covered in soap suds!! By this time Beth was in the house and snapping shut her phone and calling her Mom in the house; saying, "We've got a problem!" I was taking off my socks and getting towels. All I kept saying over and over again was, "I didn't know, I didn't know!"
I mean c'mon! Its dish soap, I figured that it wouldn't hurt anything.. apparently I was WRONG!!!
We had an assembly line going for about 15 minutes, three of us were moping up the suds with the towels and one of us was ringing them out in the sink. after a while we thought about a wet/dry shop vac. The first thing I thought of was the one that we use at my work. So I called my manager and asked her if it was ok if we borrowed it for a few. At first she said no, but once I told her the story she didn't have a problem with it. She said, "As long as you bring it back."
So Beth and I hurried up to my job got it and got our butts home. We plugged it in and turned it on and were good to go.
After we got done sucking up all the suds we splashed some water in the dishwasher (to make sure that we got all the suds) vacuumed that up and we started the dishwasher like normal. Everything was fine.
Let me tell you... I'm NEVER doing that AGAIN!!

I was hanging out with Beth on Tuesday which was nice, because I feel like we haven't been able to do that in a long time. Anywho, we were waling through the mall and we went into American Greetings. We were looking at all the cute stuff they had, read a few cards, she acutally picked one out for a friend of her's (sooo cute^^) I saw this a rack of little books and I picked up the first one that caught my eye. It's called "I Am Beautiful" I started to read it out loud to Beth and after a coulple of pages she told me to stop because she would probably start crying. I stopped, but I also baught two of them, one for me and one for her.
I really wish that I could buy one for every girl, because we all need to hear how beautiful we are, even though we don't believe it when someone tells us so. I decided to post what the book says so that the girls can read it and know that they are beautiful!
Ok here it goes...

I Am Beautiful
         By:Diane Mastromarino

I Am Beautiful...
   Part of being beautiful is the knowledge that I am not just saying those words, but truly believing them...
Each morning I will smile at the woman in the mirror instead of scowling. I will be sensitive to her needs and treat her with kindness.
I will be proud of her accomplishments and accepting of her faults. I will allow her to be herself. she is me and I Am Beautiful. 

I Am Beautiful...
  When my hair's a mess and I haven't put my makeup on yet.
Perfection is overrated. If everyone in this world were perfet, we would all be exactly the same. Its the very things that make me different that make me beautiful...
I am unique in my appearance, in my wisdom, and in my emotions. these are the things that set me apart, make me irreplaceable.
              Today...
        I will write down five things I like about myself.
        I will start a gratitude journal.

I Am Beautiful...
  when I'm authentic, when my body and mind are at ease, and when I'm compleately myself.
Sometimes I lose myself in what the world expects of me. I will not try to confrom to what I "Should be." I will create my own box and step outside it as I wish...
I will should from the rooftops, "World, here I am!" I will let everyone know my presence is worth noticing.
             Today...
       I will avoid magazines that tell me how I should be.
       I will be happy with myself just the way I am.

I Am Beautiful...
  When I speak the words that are in my heart and stand up for what I believe in.
Bey speaking up and being present, I am making a contibution to the world. My voice is powerful and significant and beautiful. My voice deserves to be heard.

I Am Beautiful...
  When I am passionate about the things I do.
I wasn't born just to take up space; I was born to make a difference. I make everyday count even if its just in one tiny way...
Wvery morning I wake up, I have the choice of what is to come. I choose to be beautiful by leading a beautiful life.
            Today...
       I will write a letter to the editor about something I believe in.
       I will add passion to everything I do.

I Am Beautiful...
  when I make lemonade out of lemons.
I accept that someds will be harder than others. the rainy days teach me to appreciate the sunshine. They help me to grow stonger, wisher, braver, and more beautiful...
With one deep breath at a time, I will move through today in to tomorrow and every day will be the best tomorrow yet.
             Today...
       I will breathe deeply and let the negative energy flow out of me.
       I will have a good cry.

I Am Beautiful...
   When I am honest with myself and others.
I will take time to get to know myself better--to experienve my emotions, appreciate my body, and reconnect with my spirit...
This is my time to acknowledge my hopes, dreams, and desires. this is my time to discover all the beauty I hold within me.
              Today...
        I will have a conversation with myself that begins, "If I could live life all over again I would.."

I Am Beautiful...
  When I see every day as the best day of my life.
I will not dwell on past circumstances. I will keep focused on today and be fully present in the moment...
I will ask myself, "What will I do with all that the world offers me?"
And my anser will be: great, marvelous, fabulous things that only I am capable of doing.
               Today...
         I will attempt something I failed at in the past.
         I will do something unexpected.

I Am Beautiful...
  When my mind and boyd are in harmony.
My body is my responsibility, and it is up to me to treat it with care. I will listen to my body and repect it's wishes. I am my body and my body is beautiful.

I Am Beautiful...
  When I walk barefoot in the grass and dance like a child in the sun.
I remember how it felt to be a child...
So young and care free, so innocent and inspired. I will try my best to find that child with in me-- she is there waiting to make my workd a better place.

I Am Beautiful...
  When I reach my hand out to others.
I am most myself when I am surrounded by my friends. I will create friendships that are built on companionship, support, and unconditional caring...
True friendship is a beautifier of mind, body, and spirit. It completes my life and makes me beautiful.
              Today...
         I will contact someone I've lost touch with.
         I will send a friend a thank you note.

I Am Beautiful...
  When I help carry the burden of someone who has a heavy heart.
My existence in this world makes a difference in the lives of those around me. Even when I feel weak or withdrawn from others, I must remember that my presence still holds importance...
My smile creates a circle of smiles, my laughter brings others a simple joy, and my company brings comfort to those I share my time with.
I don't have to do something gradiose to make a difference. I just have to be me.

I Am Beautiful...
  When I honor myself and belibe that the world is a more beautiful place with me in it.
This is my live, and I won't always be able to make everyone happy. I am not being selfish, but acceping reality. It is my turn to step back and give myself a chance to breathe...
My experiences over the years make me who I am today. I change and grow with each one. I will not fear what is to come with age; I will not look back on my earlier years with envy. Each stage of my life offers me the chance to accept new roles, accomplish more feats, and grow more and more beautiful.

I Am Beautiful..
  When I am hopeful about what is to come, when i embrace the future with open arms and welcome what it has to offer me.
There is one me in the world-- one unique, extraordinary, beautiful me. I hold the utmost respect fo myself-- for my mind, body and spirit...
I do my best to treat myself with care and fill life with only those things that effect on my life. I won't always make the right choices or have all the answers. I will make mistakes and life will go on; that is all I need to know...
I will take chances and not fear what is to come, I will trust in myself and never give up.
 
I am a courageous, intelligent, indipendent woman.

I am everything that is beautiful.

HAIR CATASTROPHE!!!
So I was hanging out with Jennifer and Alyssa last night (I had to get out friend Linesy a baby shower gift) and I saw hair dye on sale, I thought to myself (and out loud) Oh it would be nice to dye my hair back to its normal color (or as close as I can get)
Anyways, we all went down the aisle and was looking at the different colors, I chose a medium brown color (I think we all did actually) we punched out and the two of them took me home.
I got all my stuff ready that I needed (when I got home) to dye my hair, Added the color, and waited the 25 minutes. I hopped in the shower to rince the dye and then I finished washing, when I got out of the shower I looked in the mirror and saw that my hair was BLACK!! Not BROWN but BlAcK!!! I wanted to cry :(
Not only does it look bad on me, but it totally wases my skin tone right out, I look like a friggen ghost!! I think that I'm going to have to buy another thing of hair dye and re-dye it.
I donno, what do you all think??

I am soo tired...
Tired of being that girl who's "just a friend", "the little sister" or "one of the guys"
I want to be the girl who's "yeah she's mine" Or "I love her soo much"
Why is it that every time I feel like I could love someone they turn right around and tell me that they love someone else? Why can't I ever be the one who's loved?!
Damnit! I'm tired.. And as of right now I give up...
I give up on looking, I give up on trying to find "Mr. Right" because as far as I'm conserned, he doesn't exsist!
Or at least not for me anyways...
If he did exsist, wouldn't I have found him by now? Wouldn't I be happy?
I know one thing's for sure, I wouldn't constantly be getting my heart broken over and over.
If it breaks any more there isn't gonna be any left!

All around me my friends are in love and happy, they've all got boyfriends, and are engaged, and are pregnant or already have kids.
Me I've got nothing!! But splotchy eyes, and runny nose, tear streaked cheeks and a heart that's ripping at the seams...
I'm happy for my friends, I can't be nothing but happy for them. But I do feel a pang of jelousy when I see them, their eyes shining with love and a smile on their faces.. I wish it was me... I wish so bad that I was in love and was loved back...
But I guess that's not for me...
and its not fair!!

Ok well I think this is where I'm gonna end this..

       Sadly your's
          ~Kristen