I choose death before dishonor/ I'd rather die than live my life down on my knees.... I've spent far too much of my life living my life down on my knees choosing the easy road rather than getting up and being the person I've always been. It's time to stand the fuck up and be the woman I was meant to be. I'm stronger than I used to be but unless I fight I'll always be afraid of being myself so now I'm gonna rise up onto my feet. Death Before Dishonor
So this has been my week. I gots a job. I'm getting my tattoo and I gots school funds FUCK YES
*sighs* I've been really down lately and while sleep has helped lately it's been confusing and broken in my head
You ever wake up staring at the ceiling crying from a dream you can't quite remember but you know it was sad? Every so often this happens to me and it colors my entire day.
What I learned this week in college
1. That I might be a moron for doing it but I can do it
2. I like German better than Spanish
3. That a painting rag does not make a good ceramics rag
4. That I CAN throw a pot…even if it looks like shit…
5. That wearing heels and standing or crouching for six hours becomes really painful
6. Somehow between Dad and I neither which of whom used a lot of it…neither one of us had WHITE paint…odd that
7. That my ex and I can get along…for a few minutes
8. I am always going to be Sharon to my painting teacher…*kersi
9. There are two Sharon’s in my Myth class…and somehow this makes my name Shane!?
10. My dad has relearned to raise his hand…
11. That an answer will be wrong no matter how many times you use it
12. My bag is heavier than my dad’s
13. I have more textbooks too…wtf?
14. The school store sells gumballs *nom nom*
15. I scare people…*sigh*
16. Somehow I miss the old painting four students
17. My skull looks better than last time but it still lack definition
18. I am a 15-25 year old slave boy…I protest. I am already in that age bracket!
19. I’ve got an idea but it makes no sense
Here's the deal. I do art commisions. I don't usually ask for money. I do however ask for compensation for whatever it is I'm doing...
Speaking of freaky dreams
I dreamt that my In Nomine poster came to life (they are an angel and a devil) the weird part is they looked like someone...both of them are on here so I shan't tell you who. Anyhow the angel and the devil both offered me their hand. I dreamt I took the angel's hand and I saw him proposing a wedding and kids...then dying old with him...then I dreamt I took the devils hand and I saw breif relationship then a life of prostitution and drugs ended in my youth. And then I dreamt I took neither hand and all I saw was a maze before my feet. WTF?
What i learned in College
1. That German has massive amounts of vocab
2. Myth teacher is crazy...and this is not a bad thing
3. My habit of raising my hand has paid off
4. I cannot throw a pot to save my life
5. Whoever said this was easy should be drawn and quartered ...for lying
6. Tattoo freak still has the skull from last semester
7. White + clay = disasator apparently not all of us knew this
8. Netflix has not changed my life
9. German is NOTHING like yiddish
10. Rammstein and Oomph good to listen to after class
11. Mythology for Dummies is a textbook
12. Landfills can be pretty?
13. My painting teacher learned something last semester too
14. My bag gets heavier every time I pick it up
15. I couldn't stick to Weight Watcher if I tried I love bread and cheese far too much
16. I may be the only girl in any of my classes to wear cat ears but this by no means makes me the weirdes
The darkness is coming
The hate is breaking loose
The black dragon is rising once more
You hear the call
You feel the sorrow
Eternal and oppressive
And yet you can not run
You hear the scream of agony
The black dragon is rising once more
And she's in pain
The agony of eons of hate sears her mind
She is a broken creature
Yet she rises again
You can feel it in your bones
Your world will end tonight
Marpsy
You remind me of the baby
What baby? the baby with the power
What power? power of voodoo
Who do? you do
Do what? remind me of the baby
...I still think David Bowie is hot...even if he is waaaaaaaaaaaaa
Having thought long and hard I've returned with a new outlook. And I must address a couple of people specifically
[Peace.] - You're a very sweet guy but I have to return your collar
[Shadz] - 私はこれを行うことはできませ
[Agent47] - it was fun. That's all I'm gonna say.
[Daemon]- I hate you. I do. But I'm beginning to see that the person I hated wasn't just you it was myself so thank you for the lesson
[Body Breakdown] - sorry hun i'm taking my collar back
I've decided I've got better uses of my time than fake and a bunch of fake people. Yes that includes you Cody. You're fake. As fake as the day I met you plastic smiles and all. The more distance I put between me and you the better
Du hast mein Herz. Nun gib es wieder verdammt! Ich bin ganz mit Ihnen beim Spielen mit ihr geschehen. Stop it! Raus aus meinem Herzen, meinem Kopf und meinem Leben! Stop verspotten mich mit eurem ständigen flirten. Ich weiß es besser so aufhören!
I know I should hate you. God I know it. But somehow every time I start to walk away there you are. I can't help it. I care about you. Whenever I try to be near you, you push me away, yet whenever I finally say "alright I'm done" you're right there dangling in front of me like a carrot. It's not just you talking to me it's little things like the mention of your name in a conversation about tripp pants or your picture on facebook (lame I know) every time I scroll over a mutual friend of ours. Or seeing a new status update or profile change. No matter how much I try to get you out of my head I can't. I want to be there. Hell I want to be yours. Despite that I know you're never going to take the time to read this or notice that even after you hurt me so bad I'm still your friend. You ever wonder why that is? It's because believe it or not you were my first love and no matter how hard I try I will never ever be able to turn my back on you. It's your firsts you never forget. Your first kiss, your first love, your first time, the first time someone slowed down and noticed you were upset. It's things like that. When you held me close to you even for the briefest of moments. The way you smelled. You and that stupid vampire are so thick headed. You both think there's no way I had feeling for either of you yet I did and I still do. Yet I know it's time to give up. I'll know I'm right after the next time you log on you don't notice this. Because believe it or not I've mad it my New Years Resolution to stop pining away over guys who think I'm a slut or just don't care how I feel. That includes you, that stupid vampire and that boy who took me on my first date because I'm done with this nonsense
New Years Eve prophecies
This year I will make it to Texas and kick my little brother's ass...right after I hug him til he pops
This year I will lose weight and exercise more
This year I will pass every class with a C or better.
Happy New Years
Oh and a side note to people they know who the are
*kisses on the cheek* stay safe
I got a new collar and ring today. Pic of the collar is up the ring is a black base with a silver spinner etched with a tribal design*
Okay folks listen up. I realize some of you don't give a fuck. I got that but here's the skinny for the next month I'm gonna darker and in worse mood day by day that's normal don't worry about it. Don't ask questions I'm not gonna answer them. I'm okay really I am. I'm just experiencing a rather normal phenomena it happens every year and it's not gonna change. Some of you may know why some of you may not. Either way I'm gonna be okay just let me be okay?
Every year it's the same
My chest starts to ache
The same old pain
Deep down in my heart
I don't know why
I feel so alone
Even surrounded
It's like my heart
Is covered in a wall of ice
It's truly not like it matters
I'm used to the pain
Used to feel alone
The sorrow never fades
All I want is someone
To come find me in this place
Thaw the ice
Make my smile real again
Don't tell me
To save myself
I can't do it
I just want not to be alone anymore
I want this day
To be feel real again
But it never does
So leave me in my darkness
Leave me to my pain
I'll feel better some day
Marpsy
Watch me break
Watch me fall
Watch me stand up again
You always told me you'd be there
But I stand upon the threshold
Frightened and alone
Where are you now?
Where are you now that you're needed
Where are you now that it's about you
I told you I didn't need you
I spoke the truth
I just didn't want to fall
Now I've got no choice left
So here I stand
Waiting for the end
Knowing it's mere seconds away
I jump into hell and end it all
Or I could give you
One last chance
Are you ready?
Here it comes
Either save me
Or watch fall into darkness
But don't you dare have any regrets
If you watch me fall
It was because you couldn't catch me
If you save me
Remember you're the one who chose this
Don't ever forget it
Marpsy
Pain never fades
Memories never stop hurting
All you can do is move forward
Move forward
Mindless fury engulfs your soul
You don't know who to hit
You don't know where to turn
Yet somehow you need to move forward
Move forward
Hatred boils up
Solace is lost to you
All you can do is move forward
Move forward
Marpsy