Q: What do you get when you take ecstasy and birth control pills?

A: A trip without the kids.

right then, im being dragged off to london, and i don't wanna go, but i will be back sunday night

IM THE MOON!!

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

X means yes
Blanks means no of course

(x) smoked a cigarette
(x) smoked pot
( ) crashed a friend's car
() stolen a car
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
() shoplifted
() been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
() been arrested
() gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
() had a crush on a teacher
() skipped school
() seen someone die
(x) been on a plane
() eaten Sushi
() been snowboarding
(x) been moshing at a concert
(x) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
() had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up (when i was little)
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
() used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
() been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
(x) pat a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest
(x) been in a car that’s run a red light
() been suspended from school
() been in a car accident
() had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
() danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
() witnessed a crime
(x) questioned your heart
(x) been obsessed with post-it notes
() squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
() been to the opposite side of the country
(x ) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) felt like killing yourself
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
() recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
() sung karaoke
() paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
() danced in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
() been kissed under a mistletoe
() watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire
() crashed a party
(x) gone rollerskating/blading
() had a wish come true
() worn pearls
() screamed penis in class
() ate dog/cat food
() told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) sang in the shower
(x) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to paper
() got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
(x) worn the opposite sexes clothes
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
() pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
(x) had a tree house
() are scared to watch scary movies alone
(x) believe in ghosts
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
() Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) broken a bone
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
() cried so hard you laughed
(x) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) slept naked (i woke up naked, don't know where my clothes went)
() skinny dipped in a pool
(x) been kicked out of your house
(x) bitten your finger nails
(x) hated someone
() believe in God
() believe in Satan
(x) have a fav band
() own more than 30 CDs

SilentEyes™  [Lust is splashing the dark side of the moon][yessah :]] says (17:24):
im center, so i get the most shit from the opposition
but the uniforms are coooool
        ADAM         says (17:25):
like your school uniform ;)
SilentEyes™  [Lust is splashing the dark side of the moon][yessah :]] says (17:26):
haha, it's a red t-shirt with an elephant on it [dont know why] a black pe skirt and we get to wear converse but i dont, cos its not very good support]
lol
        ADAM         says (17:26):
lol
and no undies :P
SilentEyes™  [Lust is splashing the dark side of the moon][yessah :]] says (17:26):
haha, not normally. wind can be mean sometimes :p
SilentEyes™  [Lust is splashing the dark side of the moon][yessah :]] says (17:27):
as in the weather!
lol
LOL
lol
LOL

hang on, AA stands for "Alcoholics Anonymous" yet when you go in, they ask you who you are, and why you're there?

anyone see how that is "Anonymous"?

something someone wouldn't say while running for president

"i did marijuana in college, i did it in sleet, i did it in snow, but i didn't inhale"

im going on holiday tomorrow for a week, so i wont be online till really late saturday night, or even sunday mid-day

i had my 1st car accident today, ran into a car side to side, so two mirrors clipped, mine flicked back and smashed my window and glass flew at me, but im telling people someone tried to break into my car

A- Damn good in bed. (i would like to know if that is true)
D- You have trouble trusting people. (i dont have)
A- Damn good in bed.
M- You never let ppl tell you what to do (oh so damn true)

B- fun when it comes to meeting new people. (not really)
O- You love foreplay (who doesnt)
D- You have trouble trusting people.
E- you have a nice ass. (people say i do)
N- One of the best in bed.(i would like to find this out)

A- Damn good in bed.
B- fun when it comes to meeting new people.
C- you believe in love
D- You have trouble trusting people.
E- you have a nice ass.
F- People totally adore you
G- Love is something you deeply believe in.
H- You have very good personality and looks.
I- You have a big warm heart.
J- Everyone loves you.
K- You like to try new things
L- You have a nice ass.
M- You never let ppl tell you what to do
N- One of the best in bed.
O- You love foreplay
P- You are popular with all types of people.
Q- You are a hypocrite.
R- People think you are so sexy.
S-You have a big heart
T -You are one of the best in bed.
U- You are really layed back.
V- You are not judgemental.
W- You are very broad minded
X- Success comes easily to you
Y- One of the hardest gangsters alive
Z- you are really a closet gay

I PASSED MY driving TEST!!

OMG HOW WEIRD DOES THIS IBANEZ RG2228 8STRING LOOK!!

HELL YEAH!!! I MET SLIPKNOT AT MY LOCAL ROCK NIGHT!!! IT WAS SWEET!!!

I HAVE (X)=yes (_)=no
(X) I HAVE BEEN DRUNK
(X) I HAVE SMOKED POT
(X) I HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
(X) I HAVE KISSED A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(_) I HAVE CRASHED A FRIEND'S CAR
(_) I HAVE BEEN TO JAPAN
(_) I HAVE RODE IN A TAXI
(_) I HAVE HAD ANAL SEX
(X) I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE
(_) I HAVE HAD SEX
(_) I HAVE HAD SEX IN PUBLIC
(X) I HAVE BEEN DUMPED
(_) I HAVE SHOPLIFTED
(_) I HAVE BEEN FIRED
(X) I HAVE BEEN IN A FIST FIGHT
(_) I HAVE HAD A THREESOME
(X) I HAVE BEEN SNUCK OUT OF MY PARENT'S HOUSE
(_) I HAVE BEEN TIED UP (SEXUALLY)
(_) I HAVE BEEN CAUGHT MASTURBATING (not too sure almost though)
(_) I HAVE PISSED ON MYSELF
(_) I HAVE HAD SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE SAME SEX
(_) I HAVE BEEN ARRESTED
(_) I HAVE MADE OUT WITH A STRANGER
(X) I HAVE STOLE SOMETHING FROM MY JOB
(_) I HAVE WENT ON A BLIND DATE
(X) I HAVE LIED TO A FRIEND
(_) I HAVE HAD A CRUSH ON A TEACHER
(_) I HAVE SKIPPED SCHOOL
(_) I HAVE SLEPT WITH A CO-WORKER
(_) I HAVE BEEN SKYDIVING
(_) I HAVE BEEN DUMPSTER DIVING
(X) I HAVE PUT MY PANTS ON MY HEAD RANDOMLY
(_) I HAVE WALKED IN ON FRIENDS HAVING SEX
(X) I HAVE WALKED IN ON MY PARENTS HAVING SEX
(_) I HAVE BEEN CAUGHT HAVING SEX
(_) I HAVE EGGED A HONDA ELEMENT (dont have them in england)
(X) I HAVE LIED JUST TO COVER MY OWN ASS
(X) I HAVE CUT SOMEONE AND MADE THEM BLEED
(_) I HAVE RAN FROM THE COPS
(_) I HAVE STOLE A CAR FOR THE FUN OF IT
(X) I HAVE WALKED INTO AN OPEN DOOR
(_) I HAVE DANCED AROUND MY HOUSE IN MY UNDERWEAR
(X) I HAVE BEEN ON A DATE
(X) I HAVE NEVER CRASHED A FOUR WHEELER
(X) I HAVE DRINKEN LIQUOR ALOT (does 5 days drinking count?)
(X) i HAVE NEVER SWORN IN CHURCH
(_) I NEVER HAD A LONG LASTING RELATION SHIP

[what mu mother taught me]

Mothers............Things we owe to our mothers

1.*_ My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE_*. "If you're
going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2.*_ My mother taught me RELIGION_*. "You better pray that will come
out of the carpet."

3.*_ My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL_*. "If you don't straighten
up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4.*_ My mother taught me LOGIC_*. " Because I said so, that's why."

5.*_ My mother taught me MORE LOGIC_*. "If you fall out of that swing
and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6.*_ My mother taught me FORESIGHT_*. "Make sure you wear clean
underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.*_ My mother taught me IRONY_*. "Keep crying, and I'll give you
something to cry about."

8.*_ My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS_*. "Shut your
mouth and eat your supper."

9.*_ My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM_*. "Will you look at that
dirt on the back of your neck!"

10.*_ My mother taught me about STAMINA_*. "You'll sit there until all
that spinach is gone."

11.*_ My mother taught me about WEATHER_*. "This room of yours looks as
if a tornado went through it."

12.*_ My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY_*. "If I told you once, I've
told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.*_ My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE_*. "I brought you into
this world, and I can take you out."

14.*_ My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION_*. "Stop acting
like your father!"

15.*_ My mother taught me about ENVY_*. "There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like
you do."

16. *_My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION_*. "Just wait until we get
home"

17. *_My mother taught me about RECEIVING_* "You are going to get it
when you get home!"

18.*_ My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE_*. "If you don't stop
crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19.*_ My mother taught me ESP_*. "Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you are cold?"

20.*_ My mother taught me HUMOR_*. "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."

21.*_ My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT_*. "If you don't eat
your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.*_ My mother taught me GENETICS_*. "You're just like your father."

23. *_My mother taught me about my ROOTS_*. "Shut that door behind you.
Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24.*_ My mother taught me WISDOM_*. "When you get to be my age, you'll
understand."

25. And my favorite: -*_ My mother taught me about JUSTICE_*. "One day
you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

i tattooed a fifty pound note to my cock

now i can play with my money, fondle my money, watch my money grown.....and now when the wife wants to go out and blow £50 she can stay in and do it instead

i licked and old lady cos im a hobbit

First the month you were born:
January - I kicked
February - I peed on
March - I licked
April - I smooched
May - I played with
June - I painted
July - I jumped on
August -I Iaughed at
Septemeber - I sexed up
October - I hugged
November - I smoked
December - I dropped

Next the day :
1- huge jackman
2- a rabid monkey
3- J
4- a mirror
5- the churchill dog
6- Mr Blobby
7- chocolate lard
8- swivel chair
9- a drag queen
10- Johnny Depp
11- a sheep
12- a mobile phone
13- a mongoose
14- an old lady
15- a transvestite
16- your mum
17- a kangeroo
18- shaun the sheep
19- a spliff
20- Bill Gates
21- a cow
22- a brick
23- a fishcake
24- Antony Hopkins
25- Wallis
26- Dorothy
27- chips
28- spiderman
29- a flower
30-gromit
31- Micheal Jackson

Lastly your colour underpants (main colour)
Pink - because im pregnant
YEllow- because the voices in my head told me to
Red- because the sex was crap
Blue- because im a hobbit
Black - because the rabis drove me to it
White- because I drank too much
Grey - because I couldnt get enough
Orange - because it makes the sun shine outta my ass!
Purple- because the stranger man next door made me
Green- because im worth it too!
Other - because I can get any

if i had the choice between tossing a salad and the electric chair i would be like....."so where do you plug it in?"