I hate when I think things are finally getting better and they only get worse. I hate how now Ai, my ex fiancee is back and making me absolutely miserable. I want to die. I want to cry.

Complicated explanation time
alright the people on my house

[Nafycen Tekalcey]- is a one of kind girl. I know her in RL and she has kept me sane for the last five years. She has been there through periods of time that nearly killed me. I will always protect her and murder anyone who harms her

[Satan's Little Bastard]- is my current roommate. I love her dearly and like Nafycen she has been by my side keeping me alive and sane through many very hard times in my life

[Dornhal dragon]- how to put this. I hate him at times but he has helped me in unforseen ways so I also respect him deeply. Psychotic as it is.

[Daemon]- is my friend. There are times I want to bash his head in but most of the time I feel more like protecting him. He is one of only two guys I consider to have taught me anything fighting-wise. I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE

[The Voice of Difference]- is my owner. I love him with all my heart. There have been times that I've wanted to kill him but like anyone else I forgo my bloody desires because I love him. I DO NOT LOVE HIM ANYMORE!!!

[gone forever]- is my heart sister. She understands a lot that others don't

[kinky goth bitch]- another person I deeply respect for obvious reasons

[Bunny Chan]- a kitty girl to the extreme I respect her furry cuteness as well as her sound judgment

[Abyss]- well put it this way. I respect him and appreciate his sense of humor as well as calm advice

[Mentality Distorted]- this is the good girl who started it all out. Thanks to her I've gotten through many a tight spot. Her advice is always good or at least a lot of the time

[GONE FOREVER2010]- one of the few people I allow to tackle me. She has a bad habit of knocking me on my ass. But like any good elder sister she helps me up as well

[CASPER] I consider him an elder brother because of his quiet concern and distinct desire to join the line of people waiting to hit anyone who hurts me

[Sinful Raine666] I consider her worthy of protection and respect her deeply

[dark_wing] is my pet dragon. I treat him with respect due a pet

[Samerisam] is a bad boy I picked up. He often helps me sort out my problems

[Lord Arthin] has become someone I respect and enjoy talking to as well as play with

[James T.] A friend who I talk to pretty frequently. He's a really nice guy and often listens to me whine when he could tell me STFU

[Dark_Edge] a friend of mine that I consider my protector

I think I might be finally losing it. On top of all the bs with my roommate and my family today I talked to my ex-fiancee. It was the second most painful thing I've done in days. The first was moving a dresser by myself. A heavy one at that.I thought I was going to cry. These last few days have been hell for me. My roommates constantly yells and I'm being reminded of every single one of my biggest mistakes. I am half tempted to crawl into a hole and die

FUCK THIS SHIT! I am so fucking tired of losing friends because of who I am. Everyone seems to think I'm some fucking perfect little angel.

I"M A LYING BITCH A SOCIOPATH I'M USELESS AND WORTHLESS AND I DESERVE TO DIE OKAY I GOT IT LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS FUCKING HURTS

I am hating life. I won't show it but it's the little things. My whole body stiffens and I want to cry at the mention of poker. I want to fucking deck something every time someone says "not by blood" when I say I'd never date someone I consider family. I can't stand the words "boy friends" anymore because I hate myself because I feel like I'm cheating on one of my best friends. I hate me because I know it's my fault I put myself where I am

Greatest mistakes I regret happened in one day. It didn't give him the right but somehow I wonder if I hadn't done or said some of those things if it would have never happened. If I would never have been brought to such shame. If his mother and his grandmother had never brought me such pain. If he had never ever done what he had done would things have gotten better. Would I have lost so much? Would I be where I am? god it hurts but I can't look back

You ever have those days where your future looks so dim it hurts?
Like I used to believe I'd be dead in 5 maybe fewer years because I didn't see a future. I still have those days but I got to thinking. Why do people look at their past when they look at their future? I mean I look at the fact that whenever things started to get better things got worse soon afterward. It came to me that maybe you should look at your future without looking at your past.

The Animal Within

Darkness, desperation
It's in the blood
It's thrumming through your veins
The animal within whispers
It cries
It howls
It screams
You can feel it so close to the surface
Perhaps you becam this way by a bite
Perhaps by birth
None the less it is a part of you
A part you fear
A part you revel in
Death fallows you like a shadow
Blood is your calling card
Darkness your best friend
Tell me you don't fell it
I'll know you're lying
I feel her call within my veins
The silver furred green eyed feline
My brother feels his call within his veins
The black furred gold eyed canine
Deep within our souls the cry comes
Demanding release on this the full moon

Marpsy

I've become cold
I've become a stone.
I believe crying makes you weak. It makes you lose your edge. It makes you soft.

Tears
Alive you cry
Dead you stop
It's a fact of life
So why do I feel wrong to cry
I try to hide my tears
Show no one the hurt
Show no one the pain
Show only the joy
The strength
Never let anyone see the darkness that's consumming me
Never let them see the inside of my heart
So many think they know me
But they don't
I show no one all of me
Not even those I love
I can't allow them to sink into this black abyss
For if they see this darkness it will surely drive them mad
Perhaps all they see is a small amount of the true darkness
But never all
Never the total unrelenting soul crushing darkness

Marpsy

I haven't slept well in days. Everytime I close my eyes I want to cry but I can't. During the day I'm happy but then I'll head for bed and I'll start to want to cry. Everything is finally going my way so why do I feel this way? I feel trapped and alone. Even though I've got everything going for me at long last

I LOVE HIM GET USED TO IT PEOPLE! I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH IT HURTS ME I LOVE HIM GOT IT?!

When does loving someone stop hurting?
When does needing them stop aching?
When does knowing they will never want you stop making you cry?
When does love stop sucking?
When does them calling you "love" not make you cry?
When does the pain go away?
When do you heal?
When does fighting for them stop making you hated?
When does it stop?
It never stops
It never ends
It never gets better
It never does
It always does
You never will
You'll always be hated
It is love it's so strong it makes you hate them
It makes you hate yourself
You love them
You need them
But you can't have them
So you hate yourself
You blame yourself

Marpsy

Close your eyes
Do you feel it
This pain that all you can do is fight
You'll never win
I know I'm in Hell right now
I hate me
I want me dead
But there is something I live for
I'm never sure if I should give up
Or keep fighting
I don't know wether to run
Or just surrender
Pain
Agony
Hate
Words I know the meaning of intimately
Words I understand better than anyone
Tell me you understand
I don't believe you

Marpsy

Lately my mood seems to be excessively down. Mostly cuz one minute I'll feel like all is right with the world and the next I'll be depressed. I NEED A FLIPPING HUMAN TEDDYBEAR FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

So riding
well all and all it was enjoyable
Unfortunately two people got somewhat injured. First was me. I got to ride Sonya (the horse) first... but um not before getting my left foot stepped on. Later I got slammed into a tree branch bigger than me o.o and still later I had my right foot stepped on. Well that's what horses do.
Naomi got injured worse. First off the horse slid and fell into a tree causing Naomi to get slammed into said tree. Later on she let the horse run and got thrown into barbed wire fence. (OUCH) Mike the resident "nurse" declared that one of her cuts might need stiches. Poor Naomi that had to hurt. If you want to show your sympathy drop a line to my mother [Nafycen Tekalcey]

EXCITED!!!!
I'm going to Elitches Saturday instead of putting up with my cousins whom I love but really can't take in large doses. Woot. My Aunt Noel called and said it's fine if I change plans on her. Again Woot.

something that warmed my heart to no end
Sara: YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME AND GOING TO LHS!!! I WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU JUST BECAUSE I FUCKING CAN! Plus you are on newspaper staff next year, and I need your writing ability, and i need you there for me!!!! THATS RIGHT THE WORLD DOES REVOLVE AROUND ME! so there...I am not letting you go!!!
SCREW EVERYONE ELSE! WHEN DID YOU EVER START CARING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THOUGHT!?!? NEVER! Be yourself and never change for anyone. If they can't handle you at your worst then they sure as hell dont deserve you at your best.
DON'T RUN AWAY! REVENGE IS MORE YOUR STYLE! DONT LET THEM WIN

If you read this, even if we don't speak often... post a comment with a memory of you and I. It can be anything, good or bad. When your finished post this paragraph in your diary and you'll be surprised at what people remember of you.

Betrayal. Cold betrayal. I thought of all people you would understand how much it hurts to be betrayed by those closest to you. Apparently not. You took what I said and twisted it into something else entirely. The pain of it is killing me inch by inch because I trusted you more than a lot of people and you threw that trust in my face and used me like a plaything. All I ever asked of you was that you not betray me and what did you do? You betrayed me the same as everyone else always does. I give and I give and I give. I bleed and I sweat and I cry. And in the end none of it ever matters because the people who I thought were protecting my back are really betraying me. If I've learned one thing it's not to turst anyone. Ever.

Nicknames I'd rather I didn't have
little little -wtf? why the hell would you call someone little little
Sharebear- Do I look like a carebear to you honestly?
Sherbert- idk just annoying